Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: January 2003
Disclaimer: I own no one. This is all fake, conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. That means it's fiction, and you can't sue me.
*********************
All the words were in my heart,
Well, they went unspoken.
But baby now my silent heart,
Is a heart that's broken.
I should've said so many things,
I should've let you know,
You're the one I needed near me,
But I never let you hear me.
Was is something I didn't say.....
98 Degrees "Was It Something I Didn't Say"
Used Without Permission
He's crying. There are no tears in his eyes, but I know that he's crying. In all the years I'd known Rob, he'd never shown a single tear. But he still cried. Silent, invisible tears; they may be worse than real tears. They especially were in this situation, because I knew Rob. And there was only one reason he cried, extreme emotional pain. No pun intended.
That was the last thing I wanted to do when I came here. I agonized with myself all night long, and the only thing I could tell myself was "Do not hurt him again." Well I'd been here 15 minutes and already I'd failed at that. He looked so sad, so scared, I'd never seen such a frightened look in his eyes. This was a man who used to flip into a crowd of people and never show fear, but here he was staring at me looking scared out of his mind. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that, except for completely sympathizing with it.
I was scared to death. Not necessarily of Rob, but just of this entire situation. This was something I'd feared for five years. I'd never had the courage to tell him what happened even when I loved and trusted him more than anything in the world. I was just so afraid of his reaction. I was so afraid back then that he'd tell me what a terrible person I was, or worse, that he wouldn't love me anymore. Even after five years of being without that love, I still feared the loss of it. I guess up until now I could trick myself into believing that it never would've happened, that he still would've loved me after everything. But now, now I had to find out the truth. And I had to do that by telling him the things I never could.
He'd even asked. That made things easier than I'd expected, but not easy enough for me. I still didn't think I could do it. I could hardly even think everything to myself without breaking down. Now, I had to actually SPEAK everything. To Rob, the one it had affected most. His eyes were so pleading; he looked like a puppy begging for food. The longer I stared, the fear on his face grew, sending my stomach into knots at the sight. My heart throbbed as I opened my mouth, a bitter realization of what was coming next. I sat the rose on the table in front of me then sat my hands in my lap, clenching them into fists as I took a breath.
"Rob," I sighed, my eyes still closed. "I....I told you everything that night." I sighed, dropping my eyes to the table.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at him and replay what had happened. Not even the pleading look in his eyes, the realization that I was hurting him again could give me the courage to speak those words. I'd chickened out. Not that I was really surprised. The words were on the tip of my tongue but they refused to leave it. Instead they'd morphed and come out as a total cop out. I'm glad that my coward eyes had dropped when I spoke; I'd really hate to have seen his eyes when I'd said that. The haunting visions of them from that last time we'd spoke were bad enough.
"Everything?" He asked, his voice growing in volume. "You told me NOTHING that night, Teresa,"
The tone of his voice caused me to lift my eyes back to his. As our eyes met I saw a look I'd only seen once on his face. Anger. My body trembled beneath his stare. That was something I hadn't anticipated when I'd come here. I'd worried about hurting him, but the thought of making him angry had never crossed my mind. Now that it had happened I didn't know what to think. He had a right to be angry. He spoke the truth when he said I'd told him nothing that night. I had told him everything that night, but at the same time I'd told him nothing. And I had told him nothing right now, when he'd came here in search of answers. My mind screamed at me to tell him, to relieve myself of all the feelings I'd kept bottled inside for the last five years. Rob deserved to know why I had done everything that I had, what was going through my mind to cause me to just walk away from him. But I knew deep down in the pit of my stomach that I would never be able to tell him. The only living creatures that had ever heard how I felt that night, and why I did what I did were my cats. And even telling them was the hardest thing I'd ever done. As much as I wanted to tell him, I knew that the words would never leave my mouth. And that simple realization caused tears to spring back to my eyes.
"I can't, Rob," I whispered, willing back my tears. "I...can't,"
"You CAN’T?" His last word came out as a shout. "You can't tell me why you did everything? You OWE this to me, Teresa,"
"I know," I cried, my eyes closing as I turned away from him. "I'm...sorry,"
"You're SORRY?" His voice was loud and boisterous now, almost shaking me with its force. "You should be sorry. You killed our fucking baby!"
My eyes sprang open, latching immediately onto his. My tears ceased almost instantly, my eyes clearing as they focused solely on his. Anger seethed behind his eyes, directed straight at me. I had never seen such a look on his face before. The look alone was almost enough to stun me. But his words rang loudly in my ears, achieving the stunning effect all on their own. I couldn't believe he'd said that. After all of this time I had been right. He blamed me for what happened. He really would've stopped loving me. All of this time I had spent telling myself that it wasn't true, that I'd made a huge mistake walking away that night was for nothing. I had been right the first time. It was the right decision to walk away that night, to stop myself even more hurt than what occurred with walking away.
It had taken me so long to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing I'd done to cause the miscarriage. And now here he was telling me that it WAS my fault, that I'd...killed our baby. The heartbreaking pain that I expected was strangely not there. Instead I found my blood bubbling, anger boiling it with the flame of his words. Before I could even stop myself, my hand was from my lap and striking him across the face. My palm connected with a loud crack, and the look in his eyes changed instantly. The anger disappeared from his eyes, leaving only sadness in its wake. But I was beyond caring what he felt, his words had pushed me to that point. I glared at him, shaking my head and pushed myself away from the table.
"I killed our baby? How DARE you even accuse me of that!," I slammed my chair back against the table, resulting in a collective gasp from the few others in the room. I glanced around with a glare before turning my attention back to Rob. "If you came here to fucking hurt me for what I did to you, good fucking job! I regretted what I did every day of my life for the past five fucking years! But now, if you want to say things like that to me, fuck you. Have a nice fucking life,"
In what I can only blame on my overactive emotions, I picked up the rose from the table and tossed it in his face. I stormed out of the coffee shop without even a glance back. Driven by anger I passed on a cab and walked as quickly as I could away from that place. I was nearly two blocks away before my anger died down. With my anger fading, the pain I'd expected showed its face. It hit me like a steel chair, hard and fast. I stopped dead in my tracks and burst into tears. I had really been right. He would've stopped loving me for what happened. I thought our love was the most powerful thing in the world, but I had obviously been wrong. One simple thing, a thing I had no control over would've ended it. I didn't know wether to be thankful or even more hurt that it had never got to that part. Maybe if I hadn't walked away that night, I wouldn't have spent the last five years of my life hung up on what could've been. Maybe if I had known five years ago that my thoughts were correct, I would've been able to let go. Instead I'd walked away to save myself hurt, when really that may’ve caused even more. If back then I had had the courage to say just a few simple words to him, had the courage to stay and face him after telling him what happened, I could've saved myself five years of pain. If I had had the courage to face him, maybe I wouldn't be the person I am right now. Maybe I would still be Beulah, instead of this fucked up version of Te...
"Teresa?" A voice calls out from behind me.
I know that voice. That one little word from that voice thrusts me head first into the past. I want to keep walking. I don't want to face that voice, not when I'm in the condition I am right now. I try to walk forward, but my legs rebel against me. I can hear footsteps all around me, clicking and clacking loudly, pushing me further into the past. I want to run away. This is another person I do not want to face, a person I would just assume leave in the past, especially after today. But as I feel a hand grab my shoulder, I know that I can't. I choke back a sob, wiping my eyes and slowly turning around. When I do, my eyes are met with a soft brown that played such a huge part in my past, and the voice gains a name.
"Tommy..."
TBC