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10
Raising children...AGAIN
Malachi 4:1-6
May 20, 2001am
In approaching this subject of raising your children a second time, I must confess to you that I am encountering an area that I have not arrived to in experience. However, I do believe that God’s word can give us insights so that you can know how to minister effectively to your adult children who have grown up and have families of their own.
In Sociology Class, I learned that humanity in the world is divided into groups based on geographical differences, race, and religion. Within the American society, we have thousands of groups based on where a person works, lives, worships, plays, and even eats. We are groups within groups. And how these groups interact and how the individuals within the group associate dictates the mores of society.
We are all a part of what is called primary groups. A primary group is the principal source of identity and security for each of its members. Each group may differ on what its foundation is but it is still a group. This composition of at least two people brings together the same purposes.
Within the soil of a primary group personal relationships sprout. Within a workplace, co-workers develop relationships as they get to know one another and toil together. They begin to socialize outside of work and may even interact with other family groups. As a bagger for Plumb’s Supermarket, part of my job and personality was to scope out the young ladies as they shopped and came through line. I began to develop a personal relationship with one customer, not because he was good looking but because he had a daughter who was a fox. That bagger-customer alliance proved to be lifetime.
Within this church, there are many primary groups. About six months ago a new primary group started. Charity and Marc became real good friends- very really good friends. Now if you don’t like your dentist, you find a different one. But with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you learn to work out your differences because breaking ties is not that easy. (If it is, then you probably shouldn’t be dating.) They are considered a primary group because they compose of at least two individuals- what sociologists call a “dyad”- who have associated themselves on an intimate level. They are not a family group but a primary group.
Many of you remember those yester-years of courting and marriage. Time flies, doesn’t it? Soon your little dyad became a triad. And before long the triad became small Bible study bunch. As a family you became the most basic of primary groups. Within your family there was communication, intimacy, and security. Mom and Dad were the leaders and kept order- for the most part. Even in those homes that seemed to be the most orderly there were many times of unorderliness.
But then your children began to develop into other primary groups. They went to school or they met other children at church. Soon, other relationships were seeded and not long later they left home and evolved into their own family life.
What happened? They grew up. They began to think for themselves. And worse, they began to make their own decisions. They made choices that you do not approve of.
As parents, we do our best and pray our hardest, but when all is said and done, the children we raised must make their own decisions. They are free moral agents who must answer to God for their actions.
So what do you do now? How do you pray now?
I have grappled with this issue for several years. We have watched the kids grow up and strike it out on their own. Some have succeeded. Some have failed. Some have moved back. Some have stayed away. Some have forgiven. Some have become bitter. No matter what the situation, no set of parents have been perfect and no child has been pure. Where do we go from here?
Let me begin by sharing with you three principles that I believe are necessary to keep in mind when dealing with your grown-up children.
1. The Principle of Unconditional Love.
We know from scripture that we are to love God with everything that is within us. Whatever we do or say should be out of love for God. On the same token, we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. I am treat my neighbor with the same respect that I wish to be treated. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” If you are compelled to go one mile then go two. If a stranger needs a coat give him your cloak also. Unconditional love is a love with no strings attached.
2. The Principle of Parental Love
“Which of you, if his on asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for fish will give him a snake?” The parent who loves his child will love him with that child’s best interest in mind. As parents we strive to provide for our children the opportunities to improve their character and behavior and then we adjust what they are doing as we go along. Why? Because we love our kids.
3. The Principle of God’s Love
We understand that God is love. And if God is love then surely everything he does for us is because he loves us. WE know that Jesus Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. Why? Because He loves us. God disciplines us. Why? Because he loves us.
These three principles must be kept in mind as we strive to see God’s best carried out for our adult children.
So what do we do? Let me share some practical concepts that you should consider applying in your relationships with ALL of your children. If you are like me, and your kids are still at home, use these ideas as preparation for the future.
1. Treat all of your children with unconditional love.
Despite the choices your sons and daughters have made, you must love them as Christ loved you. Jesus died for you just like he died for them. And as parents, you are commanded to love your children.
How can you do this?
Accept them but not their actions. Now this concept works in two ways and I want to be very clear about this issue.
If your child is a bonehead and makes stupid decisions you must still love them with God’s love. You don’t have to accept what they do but you must accept who they are. They are a person created in the image of God. God loves them the way they are. Obviously, we don’t want them to stay that way; we want them to be like Jesus. Now here is the catch: You can not and never will change your son or daughter. Your words of admonishment will not bring them closer to God. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit will they be able to hear God.
In Genesis, Rebecca intervened on Jacob’s behalf. Jacob was the second born who was to receive the first-born’s rights. Isaac was getting ready to bless Esau, so she connived a plan to get Jacob their first and trick Isaac. She interfered with God. Moms and Dads, we must be careful on how we deal with our children. We must love our children but not their actions. And we must be careful that we do not interfere with God’s hand.
The other issue at stake here, is how to love the child who makes all the right decisions. Some of you have sons and daughters who seem to always make the right choices. Do your children and grandchildren a favor: Don’t love them because they are doing the right things, love them because it’sthe right thing to do.
When you love your kids based on their performance you are setting up a disastrous consequence for future generations. You see, God does not love me because of how good I am. Just because Rob has become a preacher does not give Rob the right to be loved more by God than someone else. Rob is loved despite his short-comings and failures that nobody sees- except God. Love your children because God blessed you with them. Love them because they are God’s creation. Love them in spite of their postive or negative behavior.
You see, when you show hate, or less love, based on performance then as a Christian you are telling that child that he must perform better and mom and dad will love him. In so doing, that child views Christianity this way. To get God to love me and save me, I must do good. Wrong. We are only saved by our faith in the work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Nothing more and nothing less.
When you show love to your child based on their good deeds, then you are telling them the same thing. I will love you as long as you do good things and make the right choices. This gives that child the view that he can only be a Christian because he is good and God will keep him saved because he is doing good things. This is just as wrong. We are kept secure by our faith in Jesus Christ not by any of our deeds.
Another area is Friend to Friend Relationship.
Remember, you may still be the parents but you now relate to your children differently. No longer are you in the do-what-I-say-I’m-the-parent mode. Now you enter a new arena in your relationship with them.
This is called friendship.
I am afraid that too often we parents forget that we need to be friends with our children. This is especially true when they becomes adults. You now need to approach them as friend to friend.
When they become adults, we forget that the roles stay the same but the defining of that role is a bit different. You can’t ground your kid for making a stupid choice. Now they bear the price of consequences for their actions.
What is sad is that so many times parents still try to parent their children as though they never grew up.
A few points to take note of concerning this Friend to Friend Relationship:
1. You are now both adults. Parents and children are now grown-ups. As grown-ups we make grown-up decisions. As mature adults we understand that we may differ in opinions and tastes but that should bring harm to our relationship.
The trouble comes in when we try to control our child’s behavior. We can’t. We get frustrated because they are not serving the Lord. We believe that if we can just get them into church then all their problems will be solved. What these kids need is a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ not a church program. They need to know that if they died tonight in their sins without Christ that they will be separated from God forever and ever.
How can you get your unsaved children saved? Re-build your friendship. Invite them over for dinner or take them out to dinner. And then don’t talk about church or God unless they ask you. Just be their friend. Treat them like you would some friends and build that friendship. Pray for them. Ask God for wisdom in dealing with the various issues that arise. Be there when they hit a rough spot.
In this Friend to Friend relationship, not only is it Adult to Adult but it is also God to Child. Oftentimes, we want to bail our kids out of their problems. We have to be careful.
If your son or daughter has a problem, you may have to sit back and pray. So often God tries to chastise our kids and we want to meddle with what God is doing. We want to rescue them from their problem or save the kids. Sometimes we have to watch helplessly and trust that God is doing His job. The kid may need to spend some time paying a price and even the grandkids pay the price too. All we can do is pray and seek Godly counsel.
Money is always an issue. Some parents have established policies that they never loan money. Others fling money at every request. What should you do?
Remember, first, money isn’t everything in life. We can’t take it with us. If we can teach our children one lesson that would sustain them through the tough times it might be that our relationships are more important than money.
Secondly, the example you set is the example they may choose to emulate for your grandchildren. If you are floating money without any accountability then they may do the same with their children. If you deny them then they may do the same.
Thirdly, never loan to a person that which you would not miss if you gave it to them. If they ask to borrow a $1000 dollars, would you miss that money if you gave it to them? I cannot say that loaning or not loaning is right or wrong. But I would say that if your child borrows money from you and does not repay you, you must keep that in mind. Perhaps they have money problems because God is chastising them and because of your prayers.
In closing, I suppose the goal to have would be this: Do your children know who to call if there is a serious problem. Do they feel that if they talk to mom or dad that they could do so comfortably and without being judged?
Very rarely have I watched the show, Touched By An Angel, but I did watch the episode that featured Bill Cosby. In that particular show, a young man was killed in a car accident and the family had gathered for the funeral. There were mixed emotions because this man was the black sheep of the family. During the course of preparation, he shows up. He wasn’t dead. However, the father was not thrilled either way. You see, there was a rift between them and Dad just would not give in no matter what. He did not want to see his son. And in probably the most moving scene I have ever saw, Bill Cosby’s character looked at this father and said this: “There are some fathers who wish they had one more chance to talk to their son.”
In case you didn’t catch the significance of that statement, Bill Cosby’s son had been killed the previous year.
Folks, we need healing in our homes if we are going to experience healing in our church and then healing in our community. I want to close with a prayer of healing on the homes that are represented here.
