Indeed my friends, in life, its all about the little things. The little things that make us happy, the little things that make us sad, and the little things that make us mad. Oooh check out my lame rhymes. Of course there is also the little things that make us want to run around screaming, or bang our heads into a wall, or hide under a rock and wait for mankind to evolve into something useful before Reemerging , or the little things that make us want to scream...someones name, or---well this list could go on for some length of time considering how great and magnificant I am espically when it comes to my unparalleled writting talents. Yet this list has a single, particular purpose, to list all of the little things in life that shall I say "irk me off." Its intended to be an ongoing and ever growing project so just keep with me on it. Oh and please by all means submit your own to me, for which to add.
Capri pants:
I ask you, what is the point to these swathing monstrosities know to be fashionable in these modern times? They look bad, period! (Or exclamation point even.) There not quite shorts, its not quite pants, but rather some pointless medium. Don’t get me wrong I’m often all for the medium, the gray area if you will, but I must draw a line somewhere, and the line goes right through these “Pants.” Oh yes let us show off our shins and ankles! Is it supposed to be attractive in some way? “Look at those sexy ankles dawg, and ahh those shins, I gots ta get me a piece of dat.” I think not! What is this Amish porn? Perhaps its an alternative to having to shave the entirety of the leg and yet still show some leg. Oh I can see the advertisements now. “Yes, ladies that’s right, now you only have to shave below the knee to go out and show off those legs! Bare your shins and ankles to the world at large while keeping the rest hairy and man like! Wahoo! Just dont go home with him. (Insert a wink here)"
I ask you average and above average citizens, what the hell is up with the fast food industry? Has it always been so bad? Perhaps it’s merely plummeting downhill eh? Or is it simply my bitter cynicism stepping forth stronger each day? I suppose some of it is because I was younger and didn’t care so much what they did to my food, or who gave it to me and the like, perhaps you could even write it off as naiveté even. But holy crap! What a terrible and worthless segment of society! Allow me to elaborate with a bit of an anecdote, one I feel most of American society can relate to.
I found myself one evening craving food whilst at work and having no other option then eat the garbage we have consisting mainly of packaged snack foods or go out, out I went. Only after discussing with my fellow employees if they were to desire anything and from where as to determine what god awful place was the least of evils available for the evening. Thus to Wendy’s I ventured. (Are you excited yet? Is this not the best story ever written?) I placed my car in between the yellow lines of the designated car placement rectangle and went inside. Opting to do this because A.) The windows of my car don’t like to go up and down so well and… B.) Because I prefer to do it that way, they seem to screw up less when you order inside, I don’t know. As I walked my hungered self up to the counter I was meet by a somewhat frightening middle aged woman who’s hygiene seemed a bit lapsed, but I’ve worked fast food, and I know that its not the cleanest job thus wrote it off as that being the reason. (Hopefully.) Anyhow I noticed they seem to be doing another “new” promotional item the ‘Chicken bacon and Swiss’ sandwich, so I opted for that in the standard “value meal” fashion that happens to be all the rage these days, and as well ordered the baked potato(e) with cheese requested by one of my work peers. This, one would assume, should go smoothly. Yet our middle aged fast food maven found difficulty in this simple task. (I don’t recall her name; in fact I don’t think she was even sporting the obligatory name tag! Tisk Tisk, woman!) She didn’t know how to place the new promotional item into the cash register and took over a minute trying to figure it out! In this time I couldn’t help but notice, being the observant person I am, a note card placed on the front of the register in plain view of the cashier on specifically how to ‘ring up’ the new items. I could have done it my damn self, for god sakes! Yet that’s not the best part of it. Finally I get my total which seemed rather overpriced in accordance to the amounts placed in plain view on the enormous menu in front of me, but decided to just go with it. I was then asked my choice of beverage, not wanting any more cola products that day I opted for a juice of some sort. From there I wait…and wait…and oh look she got me my beverage. Oh look and she got me a freaking cola! But aside I place aside my ire so as to simply try and leave. So I wait…
In the process of waiting the man in front of me in line who had been standing patiently off to the side chimes in while receiving his food his desire of different condiments and things of that sort, but he feels the need to tell her each item individually so she has to keep turning around and getting them. At the time I’m thinking, could he not think of them all at once, or is he just an ass or something? Regardless he left. And some asinine amount of minutes later my food finally comes. As I watch the fry person, an obvious immigrant, make my fries poor them back into the fry coral and make them again, or some thing along those lines. (?) All this aide I rejoice that this is soon over. (But don’t worry not for you.) Except to my not surprise I was given some amount of money back because as I thought, despite the directions made out directly in front of her face the middle aged poorly hygienic, and did I mention overweight, woman had rung the order up wrong. So to the counter of napkins, straws, and utensils I went, since they no longer see fit to give you those things themselves at the normal counter.
Finally I leave a ludicrous amount of time later, that seemed to take a rather liberal use of the term fast food, and back to my working environment I went. I provide the potato(e) to my workmate and eat a few fries, that at this point are almost colder then room temperature. Just what is the deal with Wendy’s fries I swear they defy physics how quickly they get cold. Molten metal has got nothing them I swear to you. From there I open my sandwich do discover…wait for it…wait for it…you guessed it, the wrong freaking sandwich! What on earth is so difficult about giving someone the right order? I can understand that middle aged poor hygiene overweight woman put it in the register wrong, but don’t you think they would make a note to fix the sandwich first. Hell it wasn’t even wrong in the right way! All it was, was a dried out ‘breast’ of chicken brown soggy ass lettuce, a green tomato(e), and half teaspoon of white sandwich dressing that I could swear wasn’t sandwich dressing. No Swiss cheese, no bacon! So at this point I nearly snapped, I could no longer even stand beside my fellow work mate, but rather made my way to the back, and well, managed to restrain my self but oh my I should have gone back and wigged out on them. I so very much understand what Aeon Michaels was saying in the first part of “Blackbird” (read it!) I swear to you, at lest two of five orders when I go out and get fast food is wrong! Is this percentage the same for all people and places? This is a frightening amount of inaccuracy related to an incredibly simply task. Its no wonder that the man in front of me in the line saw fit to tell her each item individually. It must have been the only way she could get it right!
Anyhow all of this had caused me to develop a theory as to all this insanity. People who work in fast food (epically at night) fall into 1 or more of 4 categories.
Category 1.) Stoner kids. This shouldn’t require much elaboration. Slackers extortionate, less it relate to making a bong out of house hold items or doing whatever they have to get wasted.
Category 2.) Immigrants. Now, I don’t mean this in a racist comment. But fast food, hell even standard restaurants are full of them in their back rooms, and often front lines. Don’t get me wrong many of them are excellent cooks and whatnot. But it’s hard to fallow directions or accomplish tasks when you don’t speak or read English. This is probably why they are generally given the thoughtless tasks along with the people in…
Category 3.) Mentally handicapped or deficient persons. Now these people cannot help what they are, so I wont say too much about them, except that they shouldn’t be placed in charge of tasks that are above their capability. Yet it seems to happen far too often. Kinda reminds my of this guy at the other Wendy’s that would frequently dance around at random. It was quite amusing I tell you. He was cool though, but, rarely did anything except clean, which was fine.
Category 4.) Useless members of society. These are the people much like our friend in the story above. Usually adults incapably of holding any kind of real job because their own stupidity smacks them down to a level reserved for watching or being on Jerry Springer. Their hygiene in typically laps, they can’t fallow simple directions or read an obvious sign. If they even know how to read, which is just freaking sad if they don’t, but I guess I won’t have to worry about offending any of them since they won’t be able to comprehend this. Further more they seem to flock to one another and feel the need to spawn further amounts of their own kind, best suited as poster children for birth control! Why do we allow these people to continue this behavior that only brings down the national average, and makes life all the more difficult for the rest of us?
Well I could go on and on with this one, but I do believe I shall stop now. No wait, not yet….NOW!
So here we go, in no particular order:
The Fast Food Industry and its Contribution to the Downfall of Man:
(Be warned this one got a little long, and certainly will offend some people)
