What is wrong with me?” That is what I  had always asked myself. Ever since I can
remember I have felt “on the outside” of all the things happening around me. I can’t explain it any better than that.
      I was called a bad seed, willful, stubborn, defiant, uncontrollable(uncontrollable), and so
many others I can’t name them all. As a child I bounced off the walls. I read fantastically before I was four years old. I could comprehend concepts that kids my age could not seem to grasp.
     I appeared to be willful when it came to chores. I was not able to deal with boredom.
There were a few tasks around the house my  mother could manage to motivate me to do. I
would scrub the bathroom, vacuum, any of the chores that allowed you to move around a little,  and those jobs I always did to perfection. Heaven help mom if she were to ask me to do dishes or any of the less mobile chores. Once she made me do the dishes EIGHT times before she resigned to do them herself. If I were forced or coerced into having to do the more difficult tasks I would often shut down, or I would start and never finish tasks.
      Going to bed at night was a nightmare. I would lay awake for a couple of  hours, waiting
for my mind to slow down At all times I had at least a hundred thoughts flying through my mind.
    It wouldn’t stop just because the body feels its time to go to sleep, even now.
 Teachers always told my parents that if I would just apply myself, I could do great things.
I failed every grade I passed. I was not liked by the teachers because I was labeled a troublemaker always getting in fights or being disruptive.
     Most of the classes I failed, I failed because I refused to do the homework. I aced almost
every test I took and I felt it was a waste of time (not to mention boring) to spend that time when I had a firm grasp of what was being taught.
     Relationships with my peers were always strained. I had only a few close friends growing
up. I was aggressive towards others. I dont mean that I was mean, or a bully. It just seemed like I didn’t know my own strength. I played too rough or I got frustrated too easily. I also had a hard time interpreting social cues, (gestures, looks, and  other on(non)-verbal cues that indicated  that I had talked to long or I had blurted out an inappropriate remark)I think some kids had a difficult time with me because I never quit talking. I could talk about anything with anyone, and No one could get a word in edgewise.
     As an adult things did not get any better; in fact, they got worse. I left home at 16;
married at 17; had my first child when I was barely 18; and had my third and final child just after my 21st birthday. I was never able to keep a house clean or hold a job for a respectable amount of time.  I either got bored and moved on or offended someone and got fired.
     I struggled and fought to live up to traditional stereotypes. You know, the happy
housewife with   white gloves? The Soccer Mom they call them now.  I tried with all I had to be a ‘good wife’ and to do things that offered stability and consistency to my family. Tried to have regular meal times, at a table, laundry, dishes, all of the things most housewives do for their families. Finally there came a day where I could do no more.
     My dad died in June of 1995, my mother followed him in October of 1997 . Mentally, I
had no fight left in me. I died inside. Every difficulty I had suffered came to the surface at that time, like a festering boil, and they came together for a massive eruption.
      I knew I needed help so I researched my options and found an agency called Vocational
Rehabilitation. They offered me testing, treatment and schooling. After an in depth psychological evaluation, I learned I had ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). I checked out several books from the library and learned as much as I(I) could about the ‘demon’ that had haunted me all my life.
     I found out that ADHD is a genetic disorder. It is passed through the genes, usually by the
father, and it usually effects (affects) males. Experts estimate that approx. 5 to 8% of the
population has ADHD, and that 80 to 90% of those are males.
     ADHD is not psychological in origins. That means that you are born with it, it is not
something that is caused by emotional trauma, abuse, or poor parenting.
     ADHD is caused by physiological dysfunction in the brain. Each case is extremely unique, but the problem has been traced problems in the firing of neurons (electronic impulses that send messages to other areas of the brain or body)  and under or over stimulation of certain areas of the brain that control alertness, selective attention (the ability to filter out distractions), memory, and thought processing.

     The dysfunction is either in the firing, traveling, or reception of the neuron. It either fires
too weak, weakens or changes ‘paths’ while traveling the synapses (neural pathways), or is not properly received (received). The effect of this is that the messages sent from your brain to direct activities or different kinds of thought processes is not being communicated properly.
      These dysfunction result in impaired memory, thought processes, inhibitions (knowing
what is and is not appropriate for each situation), aggressive tendencies, supersonic thoughts
(constant speeding thoughts) and errors in spacial perception (difficulty perceiving how  you
move through space, bumping into things, not knowing right from left, or playing too rough).
     Imagine going through life with everything mental moving along at supersonic speeds, and everything physical moving in slow motion. The mind is always changing, speeding from one thought to another, never able to stay on one track for long, changing topics in the middle of a discussion, leaving those(those) you are conversing with) the conversants wondering what they missed. Always knocking things over, bumping into people, asking dumb questions.  That is what the first twenty-nine years of life were like for me.
      I was happy to know that I was not a bad seed, uncontrollable, defiant. I am normal, for
me. It is okay if I am not the cleanest wife on the block, I still have only a handful of friends, but they understand my ‘foot in mouth’ problem, and I am much more successful in college than I ever was in school before. There are other people out there just like me, I am no longer alone.
    Medication and therapy have helped me come a very long way in two years.
 All of my failings in childhood, bad grades even though I was very smart. My problems
with social settings, holding a job, and apparent ‘blondeness’ all had a name, a cause. It was nice to put a name to what had ailed me for so long.
     Despite the additional challenges I have faced because of my ‘problem’ I would not
change me even if I could. ADHDers are creative, intelligent, ‘eccentric’, and just plain wacky sometimes. Nowadays it’s a pleasure to be me!!!!