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By: Neil Burns
E-mail: Neiltkd@aol.com
Author's Notes: SAILOR MOON is owned and copyrighted by BANDI, Naoko Takeduchi. Rini bumps into a Gypsy who casts a spell on her, cursing her with uncontrollable flatulence. An amusing story that takes place in Crystal Tokyo that may be better suited to an Anti-Rini/Chibi-Usa site. The approximate "present" timeline is between SUPER S and STARS.
"Oh, no!" Rini yelled as her little legs carried her as fast as they could. "I'm going to be so late for school!"
"Your Highness!" Jupiter exclaimed, easily keeping up. "We have time! Please look where you are going!"
"Darn it! And I didn't eat breakfast either!"
The youngest Sailor Scout/Crown Princess had overslept and risen late so she was trying to reach school before the bell rang. I can't believe this! I turned into my mother! Queen Serenity had assigned Jupiter to be her guardian and the two immediately took to the situation, having been friendly in their past lives. Rini turned the corner only to plow into a middle-aged woman crossing the street. Her bright clothing identified her as a Gypsy. Jupiter came up and immediately helped the woman up.
"Why don't you look where you're going, brat!" she snarled.
"I'm so sorry," Rini replied. "I wasn't paying attention."
"You sure weren't! Just because you're Crown Princess doesn't mean you can run over anyone you feel like!" Venom dripped from every word.
"Back off!" Jupiter snapped. "Her Highness didn't mean it."
"Spoken like a true mindless grunt."
"Please, ma'am," Rini interjected. "I'm really sorry. I overslept and I don't want to be late for school."
Suddenly, the Gypsy smiled as she brushed herself off and patted Rini's head. She pulled a green vial from her pocket.
"Think nothing of it," the Gypsy mused. "I suppose you didn't eat breakfast?"
"No. I didn't have time."
"Well, here you go. It's an energy drink I made. It'll give you plenty of pep so you can do well in school."
"Thank you." Rini took it and drank it as the woman mumbled something softly. "AAGH! It's AWFUL!"
"Well, it doesn't taste good, but it gets results. Better hurry off now."
"Thank you!"
The Gypsy laughed as Princess and Scout Guardian ran off to school. A curse on you, Crown Princess. You will find no hapiness because you will rebuff them with gas. The two got into the main hall just as the bell rang, collapsing against Rini's locker and panting heavily.
"That was close," Rini gasped.
"Yeah, Serena almost never made it until high school. Even then, she barely made it. on time"
"I can't believe I overslept. You think the Gypsy was right and that I'm becoming like my mother?"
"Don't feel bad. I oversleep on rare occassions. Let's get you to class before your homeroom teacher throws a fit."
The two made to homeroom with seconds to spare. The teacher took attendance, giving a nod to Jupiter who sat in the back of the class. It was a first at bit disconcerting to have a Scout in the classroom, especially for Rini wanting to go to school and have friends like a normal child, but eventually it became a non-issue. Jupiter observed Rini's classes and her charge, trying not to fall asleep in some, especially Mercury's math class. It was almost lunchtime when suddenly-URRRRP! RIPP! Silence.
"Who beefed?"
OORRP!! RRIIPPOOTT!! The teacher and students looked around and discovered Rini as the guilty party, her expression one of guilt and agony. Guilt at bringing attention to herself and agony in that she looked as if she was holding something and it was of great discomfort. She was fidgeting in her seat and holding her bottom as it "serenaded" the class, her face a mask of agony. Unbeknownst to her, a small black orb hovered just off to her right.
"Your Highness?" the teacher asked gently.
"Yes, Ms. Johnson?"
"You need to use the little girl's room?"
"Yes, please. I am sorry."
Rini was out the door before Jupiter could get up to accompany her, flying down the hall as fast as her stumps for legs could carry her, holding her bum and perspiring heavily as the orb followed unobserved. Reaching the bathroom, she sprinted into the stall, readied herself and plunked down on the toilet just as-RRRRAAAAAPPPPPP!! THOOFF! THOOFF!! Her bowels opened and released their "contents". The youngest Scout spent almost the next hour in the stall, her colon opening up and discarding all its "remenants", a foul odor permeating all over the girl's room. Finally, Rini was able to "take care of business" and head back to class, slightly embarassed as Jupiter was waiting for her in the hall.
"You fall in, Rini?" she smiled.
"No," Rini replied, "but don't use the girl's room for a while. I think I stunk it out."
"I did that in high school a few times. Don't feel bad."
"Did I miss anything?"
"I'll give you the homework at the end. Let's get to the next class."
"I think that Gypsy put something in that drink. She did say it would give me pep."
"It gave you something. I don't know about pep."
The day ended and Rini and Jupiter walked home, the sun dancing in the azure sky smiling down on the Crown Princess and the Jupiter Princess. Rini, though, would have little time to do homework for that night was an affair celebrating Zoicite's birthday. The bisexual General and the Crown Princess had a close relationship, exemplified by him tutoring her on several subjects and often babysitting her. It was a half-hour until the party and Rini was wearing an almost-exact copy of Endymion's lavender tuxedo, except instead of pants she wore skorts. Serenity was playing with her daughter's Pepto Bismol hair as she looked in the mirror smiling serenely.
"How was your day, Rini?" the Queen asked.
"All right," the Crown Princess replied softly. "I accidently ran into a Gypsy on my way to school."
"Jupiter told me." a small chuckle. "That is how I meet your father. I could never get up on time."
"She gave me this drink she said would give me pep, even during Mercury's boring math class."
"And did it?"
"It gave me something because I had to use the bathroom and wound up in there for an hour and stunk it out."
"We will have to talk to her sometime. Right now, we have a party to prepare for."
The main hall was filled with guests from across the globe and system. The Scouts were dressed in gorgeous formal wear designed by Sailor Pluto, with even the grim Sailor Saturn looking radiant, except for Uranus. Perusual her androgyny, the butch Princess sported an elegant navy and gold tuxedo. The Generals were present in their dress whites and gold capes surrounding Endymion, including the man of the hour Zoicite. He was a slender figure with delicate almost feminine features and a light tenor voice. Long dirty-blonde hair fell past his shoulders in a ponytail and green eyes twinkled mischieviously. His bisexuality was well-known throught the kingdom as nobody thought anything of his relationships with the Princess of Mercury or with fellow General Malachite. Galaxia was there with her Animate Scouts as was the Black Moon, long since allies, and the Starlights in male tuxedos like Uranus.
"Happy Birthday, General Zoicite," Serenity smiled, kissing the kneeling General's forehead.
"Thank you, Your Majesties. I am honored."
"No, thank you for all your loyal service. This is just a small token of Our appreciation."
"Happy Birthday," Rini chirped, hugging Zoicite tightly.
"Thank you, Highness. I am--"
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!! The room was dead silent as mortified faces stared at the eight-year-old Crown Princess, her own face one of shock, her mouth open and her eyes wide as saucers. OOOOOOORRRAAAPPP!! RREEEEPP!! UUUUUURRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRLLLLOORRT!! Several more blasts echoed through the hall as a swampy odor suddenly permeated the room. Zoicite and Malachite immediately recoiled in disgust as Jedite and Nephrite began laughing. The Starlights were howling with mirth as they leaned against the wall.
"Well, Zoicite," Jedite chirped. "What an honor for you."
"Yes," Nephrite rasped. "I always wanted the Crown Princess to fart in my face for my birthday. I am so jealous."
"I am so sorry!" Rini exclaimed. "I don't know where that came from!"
"A lady does not flatulate in public, Small Lady," Endymion admonished. "We raised you with more class than that."
"But I didn't mean to. Daddy!"
Another round of bumtoots sang through the air, increasing the lovely odor lingering in the hall and tickling every nostril.
"Young lady!" Serenity scolded. "That is quite enough!"
"Come on, Your Majesties," Healer laughed. "Accidents happen. Besides, she is just a child and it is so funny."
"Right," Star Maker grinned. "Remeber, Your Majesty. Your past self was able to make our sister Star Fighter laugh."
"She did not flatulate," Endymion put in. "Child or not, a Princess does not conduct herself in this manner."
"In front of our guests, no less!" Serenity agreed. "She must be punished."
Rini stood in disbelief and embarassment as she continued to pass gas, disgusting the guests. Suddenly, hot humilating tears stung her cheeks as she ran out sobbing. She reached her bedroom and entered, plopping on the bed as she sobbed loudly. Later, Serenity came in and glided over to her daughter, ignoring the odor, and sitting on the bed. She held her daughter close and began stroking her pink hair.
"I am sorry I yelled at you," she purred soothingly.
"I'm sorry, Mommy," Rini replied, wiping her eyes. "I don't mean to be gross, but I couldn't help it. I think that Gypsy put something in the drink to give me gas."
"Still it was distasteful."
"I know. I really feel bad for General Zoicite."
"The General forgives you though Jedite and Nephrite still give him grief."
"I hope the kids at school don't find out about this. How embarassing."
It was four days after the soiree, yet Crown Princess Rini still blasted away at school, in the palace, wherever. No place was safe from her bottom's wrath and it was affecting her. She was not allowed to attend royal functions. Classmates sat well away from her or she had to stay home and someone would bring her home work to her. She was at Scout practice with the former Amazon Quartet-turned-Scouts battling Juno. The little orb that followed her to the bathroom and "observed" her "visit" hung just outside the ring.
"PINK SUGAR---" RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPOOOOOORRRTTT!!
"Pink Sugar Fart Attack," Juno smirked. "How cute."
"SONOFABITCH!" Rini exploded in frustration, following that with another un-Princess-like string of expletives.
"Nice mouth, kid," Palla chuckled. "You kiss your mother with it?"
"I've had it! This has been going on for FOUR DAYS!
Saturn came up to the ring, her face a darkly amused mask.
"That jerk Ripper Roy is on," she mused.
"Oh, great," Ves snorted. "The Sleaze King himself."
"He is talking about the Crown Princess."
"Me?" Rini replied shocked. "Why?"
They entered and saw a crowd gathered around a large viewscreen which should an arrogant rat-faced individual of around thirty-something. A cocky grin spread across his face as Rini's picture behind and over his shoulder.
"Ripper Roy here," he smirked, his voice a raspy tenor. "I always knew the Royal Family was full of crap. This latest evidence confirms it, especially that useless little shit, our 'Crown Princess'. Let's have a look."
Gasps and giggles scattered across the crowd as the screen showed Rini "answer Nature's Call", bottom merrily tooting away. The scene immediately switched to Zoicite's birthday celebration and her blasting the General. During a walk in the park with Serenity and Endymion. Scene after scene showed the Royal buttocks sounding off as the laughter increased in volume.
"It's amazing she didn't crap herself. Maybe she needs diapers. On a different subject, the Black Moon Family. Yeah, they're allies now. But, you ever wonder when they did attack us how they were able to get in the door? Wonder no more."
Suddenly, to the already embarassed Rini's mortification, the scene shifted to her in the chamber picking up the Silver Crystal only to have it vanish. Then it showed the attack, the King and Queen in their crystal "coffins", the Scouts using their energy to keep the shield surrounding the castle up and, finally, Rini stealing the Time key to go to the past. Laughter turned to grim murmuring as the youngest Scout fought back hot embarassed tears and the Sleaze TV King ripped her apart.
"And what was she doing while people were dying? Farting around town on rides, getting ice cream, going to movies and other shit. Here's the evidence."
The screen showed the "evidence" as well as Rini lying to the Scouts, manipulating and hypnotizing people with the Luna-P ball and using any other means to find the Crystal. Yet, they also saw the Scouts rescue her time after time, her visiting the future with them, becoming Black Lady and finally destroying Wiseman with Sailor Moon.
"So, even though things are 'water under the bridge', if the brat hadn't taken the Crystal in the first place, all this wouldn't have happened. You know she's likely adopted."
The word jolted Rini like a slap to the face.
"Let's face it. Queenie ain't no rocket scientist now or in the past, but even she should be able to figure out basic genetic dominance and recession. Two people with blue eyes, one dark-haired and one blonde. The kid should have at least one of those traits. Pink hair and red eyes? In that case, Queenie ain't mommy then. Endy was a player before he married so I'd say he snogged either The Time Bitch, Galaxia or that other ball-busting bitch Beryl. With her red eyes and red hair, she' s the most likely candidate. It'll be fun to see Endy explain this one."
As the ripjob continued and the Amazon consoled a sobbing Rini, the Royal Couple and all the other Scouts were watching in the living room. Until Jupiter vaporized the television in rage, letting off wall-melting expletives. Serenity was literally trembling with fury as Uranus and Mars were visualizing slow delicious tortures for one Ripper Roy Josten. Endymion also was contemplating the man's death.
"How dare he!" Serenity hissed, her features less than her namesake.
"Would you like him castrated?" Mina growled. "Or disemboweled?"
"No," Endymion replied. "As tempting as it is and however much that scum deserves it, do not harm him. Bring him to Us so We can talk to him."
"And if he doesn't recant?" Neptune put in softly.
"Perhaps a little 'punishment' may be in order."
The next day, Jupiter and Uranus brought Rini into Mercury's math class, their eyes studying the other students like hawks. Rini walked to her desk, only to find a very large wrapped box sitting where her chair usually was. Steven, a boy around her age smirked.
"Greetings, Highness," he purred.
"Steven," Rini demanded. "Where is my chair?"
"You don't need it. I brought you a special chair. Courtesy of the class."
"A special chair?" Mercury asked suspiciously.
"Yes. One appropiate for one of her stature."
"Give me my chair. Steven!" Rini commanded. "Now!"
"As My Liege commands."
Steven lifted the box, revealing a large white toliet with three bags of diapers sitting on the seat. Rini's eye brimmed with tears and her lips trembled as the class exploded into laughter, much to the Scouts' disgust. To make matters worse, Steven put a tape into the VCR and turned on the set. The whole video was Rini blasting away with "WALK DON'T RUN" by The Ventures playing in the background.
"WORLD SHAKING!" Uranus growled, destroying the television.
"YOU LITTLE SHITS!" Jupiter snarled. "HOW DARE YOU!"
"Ease up, dyke," Steven smirked as Rini ran out wailing. "It's a joke."
"Class is dismissed," Mercury snapped in disgust. "Get out of my sight and do your assignments! I can't believe you all!" The class left, suprised that they were there for only a short time.
Jupiter and Uranus grabbed Steven and marched him out of the classroom to the palace as Mercury went to find Rini. She discovered the Crown Princess kneeling in the park by the school holding Luna-P tightly and sobbing uncontrollably. Silently, she walked over and knelt in front of the wailing girl and hugged her tightly, stroking her pink hair soothingly.
"It's all right, Rini," she cooed softly. "Let it all out."
"Why?" Rini sniffled and blew her nose in a handkerchief Mercury offered. "Why am I farting? Why are people so mean to me?"
"I can't explain the first, but as for the second, teasing is in some people's nature. They feel that teasing someone who can't retaliate is fun."
"But I can't help it! It's not fair!"
"Life isn't fair, but you have to take the bad with the good. Let's get you home."
The two Scouts and floating ball headed home and happen to run into Jupiter and Uranus bringing Steven and Mars and Venus bringing the Sleaze King himself. They entered the palace and brought the two "guests" out to the garden where Endymion and Serenity were enjoying afternoon tea. Rini ran over to the table and was greeted with a warm embrace from each ruler. She then turned and stood next to Serenity, glaring at her tormentors through teary eyes.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen," Serenity smiled not-exactly warmly. "Tea?"
"No thank you," Ripper quipped. "Trying to cut back."
"Thank you, no, Your Majesty," Steven replied with a polite nod.
"Sit down please," Endymion requested, though it sounded more like a command.
"Yes, sir." Steven sat, followed by Ripper.
"May I ask how you sleep at night?" Serenity queried.
"We sleep very well, thank you," Ripper responded. "We lie down. We put our heads on the pillow and go to sleep."
"You think nothing of tormenting a little girl for the sake of ratings or a cheap laugh."
"Darling, she's a celebrity and celebrities are open season. If she can't take a little bloody nose here and there, she shouldn't be in public. This ain't no fairytale. The real world is hard and mean. Not everyone lives in a palace with trained grunts waiting at their beck and call."
"I can almost forgive your son's actions," Endymion interjected. "Children are often cruel at that age. I myself admit I was not exactly an angel when I was eight or nine years old, but humiliating Small Lady just to advance your station's ratings or to prove how great you are is inexcusable."
"Mr. Josten, whatever else Serena is," Serenity stated, "she is still a child. Let her be a child and enjoy childhood things. Lessons of the 'hard and mean real world' will come soon enough. You will retract your comments about her and issue an apology."
"And if I don't?"
Serenity was about to answer when Rini felt something. Smiling devilishly, she walked over to Ripper's chair and yanked it back causing the Sleaze King to crash to the ground. She then sat on his chest. RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPRRRROOTTT! The Scouts howled with laughter and cheered.
"Yeah, girlfriend!"
"You go, girl!"
"How do you like that, pal!"
"You little BRAT!" Ripper exclaimed.
"I believe," Endymion smiled, "that is known as taking a negative and making it into a positive, Mr. Josten."
The Crown Princess then walked over to Steven's chair and yanked it backwards, sitting on the fallen boy's chest. FRRREEEAAAAPPPWWOOOEERRTT!
"Payback's a bitch, ASSHOLE!" Rini grinned.
"Small Lady!" Serenity interjected firmly, trying to hide a smile. "We do not use such language in the palace."
"Sorry, Mommy."
"All right," Steve mused, getting up. "I suppose we deserved that."
"Speak for yourself," Ripper groused, dusting himself off.
"Rini, er, Highness. It was a harmless joke, though I suppose I got a teensy bit carried away. If I offended you, I apologize." he put out a hand. "Friends?"
"Friends," Rini replied shaking hands after an encouraging nod from Endymion.
"Venus," Endymion addressed the Scout in question. "See the boy gets home safely, will you?"
"Yes, Your Majesty," the blonde Scout replied.
"My own Scout escort," Steven smiled. "Cool."
The two left the garden as Serenity dismissed most of the others. Only the lesbian Scout Uranus remained, glaring icily at Ripper who sat calmly, ignoring the chill at his back.
"Well I guess this case is closed," he smiled.
"Not quite," Serenity sipped delicately.
"What do you mean?"
"As Small Lady meted out her own punishment, the matter between your son and her is finished. There is still the matter of your 'editorial'."
"The little 'Princess' gave her opinion."
"She did and we share it, though the concept of flatulating on someone is extremely distasteful. We do not wish to curtail a person's right to express themselves."
"However, it seems the station is willing to 'hang you out to dry' because of your comments on Small Lady."
"Why? They ain't got the balls to say what they think of you?"
"That has nothing to do with it," Endymion sternly intoned. "You wish to criticize my wife or myself, so be it. A lot of times the criticism may even be deserved. But we will not have anyone, I mean ANYONE, harrass, abuse or traumatize our daughther in any way."
"Continue," Serenity stated, her blue eyes icy, "and we shall see that you will find no work anywhere ever again."
Ripper studied the two rulers' faces and saw that they were dead serious. Sighing, he picked up a cup and poured tea into it and gulped it down.
"You'll get your retraction first thing in the morning," he groused.
"Thank you," Serenity smiled gently. "We have no ill will against you, Mr. Josten, but you should think about the people you offend with your comments. Uranus, please escort him home."
"My pleasure, Your Majesties," the butch Scout smiled, an evil gleam in her eye.
"Unharmed, if you please," Endymion put in. "Whatever." the Scout and the Sleaze King left as Serenity kissed Rini's cheek.
"Now, I believe we have an audience with a certain Gypsy to arrange for?"
The audience with the Gypsy was successful and reconciliation was achieved between the woman and Rini. her "flatulating" curse lifted. It felt good to have a normal eight-year-old's life without embarassing "bum music". It was a traquil night, Zephyr dancing in the onyx sky as Luna warmly smiled upon the Crystal Palace. Rini was sleeping between Serenity and Endymion, the perfect picture of the perfect family. RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPOOT!! UUUUURRAAAFFFRRROOTTT!! The Couple bolted upright as Rini's face twisted into an embarassed mask.
"I'm sorry," she stated softly.
"Small Lady!" Serenity gasped. "Where did THAT come from?"
"Are you cursed again?!" Endymion gagged.
"No," the Crown Princess smiled. "Five chili dogs and jalapeno fries."
It was a VERY LONG night.
THE END
Ta-daa! It's done! Hope we like the tale enough to post and don't mind the concept of a gassy Rini (Though the Anti-sites may think this is being a little kind). Another thought I'm sure a lot of people wonder is "How can two blue-eyed parents have a kid with red eyes?" with the ANTI's suggesting that she is actually Beryl's when Darien was brainwashed. Anyway, more will come in the future and hope to see this gracing the site. Questions, comments, death threats, phone numbers, whatever: contact me at Neiltkd@aol.com. Enjoy and talk to me.
Neil
