I had heard about them. Existential moments. But I had never experienced one myself. When I looked in the mirror I would only see a smiling tomboy, brown eyes sparkling, short dark hair grazing her shoulders. I never saw anything deeper. But now I see much much more. Today, I can honestly say I turned over a new forest. Not just one leaf like other people do. That would be too normal. And me? Well, I'm far from any definition for "normal" Webster could ever spit out. And that's why my existential moment didn't stop at a moment. It lasted the whole day, and is still happening as I write this, and hopefully will still be going when I wake up tomorrow and every day after. I think it was rooted in the fact that despite the waning amount of sleep I had been getting lately, I was hyper today. In all truth, I'm hyper everyday. I'm a very happy person, and never fail to show everyone I meet just how happy a person I am. But today, I was truly hyper, even for me. I think this scared a few people, but damn, did it ever feel good. I was bursting the seams of life, new, refreshed, and because of my forced insomnia lately, it's been a while. Long. Too long. And it finally caught up with me, I guess. Kind of like some great force, collecting inside my soul, finally able to explode, a ripping lava, hot, good, full of my spirit. But unlike a volcano, the burning keeps coming, keeps pouring from some newly opened well inside my inner self. I feel as if the rest of my brain, the ninety percent that scientists say we never use, has finally been unlocked, and I'm able to comprehend things I never was able to before. Joyriding. It's my answer to life's little problems. And was today ever the day for some heavy duty joyriding. It was the perfect chance to put my ninety percent to good use. I've always said that all I need is some good music, some good back roads without speed limits, and a realization that fatality is definitely an option to clear my head. Good driver? Hardly. Half the time I can't ever remember where I went. Or where I'm headed to for that matter. But I remember the things I thought of as I was there. Wherever "there" was. The more I let my mind wander, the better, more subliminally cautious driver I become. If I concentrate too hard on something, I mess up. It's always been that way. Like riding a bike. I spent two entire summers of my youth trying to learn how to balance myself. When I stopped trying to learn, and just carelessly hopped on and started peddling to my heart's content, not caring if I fell or not, that's the day I lost the training wheels. Now, I work backwards through everything that life deals. I don't start out on training wheels. I delve in and just do it. I figure I can always learn later. Experience is the best teacher anyway. And regardless of what you do, experience happens. That's the line I wrote in my notebook today when I was at the height of my un-momental moment. And here I write it again, and again I seem to be at the never lowering crest of existentialism. I'm still happy, and I love my life more than ever. But in order for me to love it, I must love the hardships also. And so I do, and so I remain happy. And I happily begin to water my forest, the new me. And I know the new me envelopes the old me, and the old intercepts the new. And I know it's all really love. Love and beauty and truth. And so lives on my moment.
Beam me up Scottie!
