FIRESIDE CHAT
CONTINUED
More advice from Jack Handey
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to
him real quick and hand it to him.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a like, and then maybe he's flying along, low to
the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go
swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up
out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire
and nobody got scared.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd
never expect it.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too
bad.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can
you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you
want to get drunk? and after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for
money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm
outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.'
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride
him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages
laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I
could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and
asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't
have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the
team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space
helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or
you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought
something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent
that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
