(1) Do not speak directly to a woman's face. Instead, talk to her boobs. Women love to be appreciated.

(2) Reassure her by stammering "I'm not drunk, honest", several times, then fall gracefully into a heap on the floor.

(3) Women are attracted to funny guys. Impress her with your extensive repertoire of crude jokes and tales of a dumb blonde named Judy. Ignore the fact that the girl you are talking to is, in fact, called Judy. Always remember to laugh loudly at the end of your own jokes.

(4) Women love strong guys. Get her to feel your muscles, and then demonstrate your strength by grabbing the nearest sober guy and lifting him up into the air. The resulting punch-up and subsequent broken jawbone will prove to her beyond any doubt that you are a real man.

(5) Show that you care by asking her several times throughout the evening, "What was your name again?"

(6) Women love to hear tales of heroism. Seduce her by telling her, in elaborate detail, how you bravely fought against the odds to change a lightbulb in your apartment and very nearly sprained an elbow.

(7) Intimacy is important for a woman. Tell her personal things that only your close friends know, such as how many previous girlfriends you have had, their names, ages, how many days each relationship lasted, how sorry you feel for yourself, how hard it was for you to break up with your last girlfriend, and how you still occasionally write to her anonymously using your own blood as ink.

(8) Absolutely the best way of getting a woman's attention is the trusty cat whistle. Alternatively, phrases such as "Corr, blimey", and "Phwwoooaaarrrr!!" are known to work wonders, and many women's eyes will roll with lust when they hear this.

(9) Women need to feel that you are listening to them, so the best thing to do when she is telling you something important is to concentrate on how desperate you are to visit the men's room. This will at once induce a solemn expression on your face. Most importantly, remember that once you hear silence, you must immediately fill it with the phrase, "Yeah, I understand how you feel."

(10) Above all, the woman needs to feel a genuine connection with you. She needs reassurance that you are not simply some drunken guy who, after 10 beers, is only interested in one thing. Therefore, studiously - and I mean STUDIOUSLY - avoid using the word "sex" (or any derivative) within the first 10 minutes of your conversation.

If you carefully follow this guide, not only will you be able to drink as much as you want, you'll be an instant success with women as well!

(c) Paul Hancox - http://www.the-mouth.com/
A big thank-you to Paul for letting me post this, and for making me laugh on a daily basis !