Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand times the memory

The Meek shall inherit the earth...
...after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing It would have been done already

Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

HAM AND EGGS
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE
So keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

WELCOME TO UTAH
Set your watch back 20 years.

Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a husband can be hard.
In my case it was almost impossible.

We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

Two rights do not make a wrong.
They make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right,
but three lefts do.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.