* Rule number one: If you're traveling, never ever eat in any
place called "Mom's" -- well, unless the only other places
in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".
* Rule number two: If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little
Italy" section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters
are wearing shoulder hostlers, you'd better just leave.
* Rule number three: If you're waiting in line to be seated at
a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours
or a twenty -- whichever comes first.
* Rule number four: If you're given a choice of tables by the
maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one
near a waiter.
* Rule number five: If you notice that the tablecloth and the
napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own,
you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.
* Rule number six: If you're in a fancy restaurant & you find
you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you
probably can't afford it either
* Rule number seven: If you've been served bread & rolls while
awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap
substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.
* Rule number eight: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with
a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table,
you'd probably better not order anything spicy.
