We at the C*E*A have no faults, so we don't need to make New Year's Resolutions. Most of you may need a little help, so we offer some suggestions via our Amuse-o-Matic.
1. I will eat properly. I will make salads from potato, walnuts & grape and never eat anything larger than my head.
2. I will go to bed early every night & get 23 hours of sleep.
3. I will cut down on my internet use, only visiting the C*E*A & the Time website.
4. I will stop smoking Hola cigars.
5. I will stop swearing, & will use candy words instead.
6. I will exercise regularly, & will finally use the Selena exercise video that has been gathering dust in my bathroom.
7. I will cut down on my TV watching, watching only Xena vs. Video Arcade and the Lacrosse channel.
8. I will read more books, starting with Madeline L'Engle's Little Women.
9. I will treat my friends & relatives better, even Mary Taulbee.
10. I will cut down on my time in the C*E*A and Matt Damon chat rooms.
There, wasn't that easy? Happy 1999!
And now, exclusively on 23.6 KRUD radio, its "The James Reynolds Show." If you would like to offer commentary on today's program, dial 1-800-ABCDEFG toll free. And now, here's James!
"Thank you, guys and gals! Welcome to the program, the only radio show exclusively for the Republicats movement in Atlanta today. Well, we've got a lot of topics to cover. At the top of the news today, our President, Ryan Maxfield, was once again caught in another scandal. This time, a small time Georgia Doctor revealed that President Ryan Maxfield had an extramartial affair with a an Intern. The Doctor's name, Caroline Rhea, has admitted publically that the allegations are true. We want to hear from you, just call us. Let's go to Elizabeth in James' house. Hello."
"Uh hi. Look, I just wanted to say that i think that if our government wants to fight against Michigan, then I say "F*** you!!"
"Uh, excuse me, you're in Michigan, correct?"
"Yes, that's right."
"So, why are you against Michigan if you reside there?"
"Right! Good point! You are funny!"
"Good, thanks for the call. And basically, flagellum, that's the message that I am trying to send to Spain. And that message is "Eat your rice and jelly 'cause before you know it, we'll be walking on the moon!." Well, that's our show for today. We'll see you tomorrow. So long, fellow disgusting heads."
Scientific Research Proves Smoking Ketchup Is Really, Really, Really, Really Bad For You
And who's responsible for ruining one of America's greatest pastimes? Why, it's Dr. Henrietta Yodelpooper, head of scientific studies of Sexual Harrassers for the University of Gambia.
The doctor has determined that smoking Ketchup regularly (at least 56 ounces a day) will lead to slimy health complications.
"I have been studying smoking-related illnesses for almost 73 years and I have been immersed in the project ever since. My wife left me, my kids have changed their names, people ignore me completely. I don't have a life anymore, WHY Venus, WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME!!!! .... uh, anyway, I have concluded from my research that smoking causes a lot of very nasty warts."
Salt company giant Mary Taulbee, however, has regarded the content of these reports as scientific gobbledygook. "I think that the experiments Dr. Yodelpooper is conducting are absolutely ridiculous and absurd. Besides, the doctor is completely ignoring the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt is posing for YM next month." Upon hearing this new story, the thousands of reporters and photographers left the press room and ran to the nearest phone to alert the world of this breaking story.
These new scientific findings will be ignored for the next 655412 years until another lab gerbil dies from influenza in a Bill Gates funded laboratory.
And we know that you could go and caress some other
Take it or eat it or just don't even bother
Caught in a craze, it's just a faze
Or will Kate be around forever
Don't you know it's going too fast
walking so hard you know it won't last
Don't you know, what can't you see
Slow it down, read the sign, so you know just where you are going
Ooch right now Thank you very much
I need somebody with the Mattel touch
Hey you always on the run
Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun
Do Do Do Do Do [ x3 ] - always be together
Ba da Ba Ba [ x3 ] - stay that way forever
And we know that you could go and caress some other
Take it or eat it cos we've always got each other
You know who you are and yes, you're gonna breakdown
You've crossed the line so you're gonna have to walk around
Don't you know it's going too fast
walking so hard you know it won't last
Don't you know what can't you see
Slow it down, read the Teen, so you know just where you are going
Gotta keep it down Honey, lay your back on the chair
Cos I don't care about the lic'rice, don't be wasting my time
You need less cheese, get off my case
You gotta slow it down baby, just get out of my face
Ooch Right Now, we wanna thank you
Ooch Right Now, thank you very much
Although agony always has been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my Sour Patch Kids candy in your kidneys
People say that I'm mental and that I am insane
ruining it all in a glance.
How you got me mutalated is a mystery
I can't get you out of my lungs
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're cheating on me
I don't care who you are (unless you're Marilyn Manson)
Where you're from (unless you're from Iraq)
What you did (or a Toilet Seat Warmer)
As long as you love me
Who you are (please don't be Marilyn Manson)
Where you're from (and no Iraqians)
Don't care what you did (and no Toilet Seat Warmers!!)
As long as you love me
Every little thing that you have murdered is nifty-cool
Feels like it's an electric chair
Doesn't really matter if you're big nosed
It seems like we were meant to be
I don't care who you are (you're not Marilyn Manson, are you?)
Where you're from (or from Iraq, huh?)
What you did (or working as a practicing Toilet Seat Warmer, pleeeeease?)
As long as you love me
Who you are (you can't be Marilyn Manson, it's impossible)
Where you're from (didn't they just bomb Iraq a week ago?)
Don't care what you did (ewww, you're a Toilet Seat Warmer?)
As long as you love me
I've tried to hide my melanoma so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look at my large back
What you did and where your comin' from
I don't care, as long as you love me, baby
I don't care who you are (oh no, you're Marilyn Manson???)
Where you're from (and you're from Iraq?!?)
What you did (and you're a Toilet Seat Warmer!!!!!!!!!!!!)
As long as you love me
Who you are (why didn't you tell me you were Marilyn Manson?)
Where you're from (you could've told me you were from Iraq!)
Don't care what you did (leave me alone, you Toilet Seat Warmer!)
As long as you love me
"I needed a vacation," you tell the police officer while you're laying down in the hospital bed. "But I never thought that my travel agent would book me to such a unusual place.
"It all started when I got off the plane at the airport..."
I was walking down the sidewalk, looking at all the unusual people walking by and almost immediately I knew that South Park was one unusual place.
The first guy I ran into introduced himself as Cartman. I think he was a schoolteacher, but he must be a horrible one because he kept telling me that Pamela Lee freed the Marlins from Mikhail Gorbachev and discovered Iraq.
He was also carrying this little hand puppet. I think his name was Chef. When I told him that Chef was only a puppet, Cartman or really Chef looked at me and said, "You go to China, you go to China and you die!"
Then Chef picked up a Medicine Ball and started beating me on the kneecap. I feared for my safety, so I ran listening to the puppet yelling "You go to China, you JackAsh!" as I fled the scene.
I ran for about 563 blocks until I saw a building. It was the South Park Elementary School. I was hesitant to go inside but I was very tired and I didn't want to take the chance of running into that freak with the hand puppet again, so I figured I'd just look around for a little while.
When I stumbled into the cafeteria, the school chef, Norm MacDonald, welcomed me in and asked if I wanted Cranberry Sauce or a Twinkie with my Cheesy Poofs.
"Cranberry Sauce," I said in a sad voice.
"Why so down?" Norm MacDonald asked.
I said, "Well, I'm in this unusual town, and I've got no place to stay. I've only been in this town for 563 minutes and I've already been attacked by a hand puppet and a gay schoolteacher."
Then in a low, mellow voice, Norm MacDonald said, "Oh, child, that's something we've all had to face at one time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song, it might clear things up."
"Without you I don't think I could live"
"Without you I don't think I could live"
"Without you I don't think I could live"
"Without you I don't think I could live"
"Hey!" I screamed. Norm MacDonald stopped singing.
"Now do you feel better?" Norm MacDonald asked.
"No," I responded.
"What?" he bellowed. "You wanna act so damn selfish, then what the hell do you think you're doing in my school eating Cheesy Poofs. Get the Fair Dinkum outta my cafeteria!"
Then Norm MacDonald picked up a refrigerator and started whacking me on the kneecap. Once again, I ran fearing for my life and my kneecap.
I was tired of dealing with all the unusualness of South Park. All I wanted to do was get on a bus, go to the airport, and fly home.
Wearily, I wandered through the snow to a bus where four small children were waiting patiently for their ride to show up.
"Dude," one of the children said. "What the hell are you doing at a school bus stop?"
"What?" I said, not surprised. "Oh sorry, I thought this was a real bus stop."
"No, the little boy said. "This is the only bus stop in all of South Park."
The small children were very interesting to talk to, funny and foul-mouthed. They were so nice to me that I introduced myself. They introduced themselves accordingly.
"My name's Kenny," the boy with the blue coat said. He went on.
"That's Pluto, the kid in the hood is Wendy, and that fat ash over there is Kyle."
"Hey!" the fat ash said in a very, scratchy voice. "I'm not a fat ash. Excuse me, Mr. Stranger-Person, but do you think I look like a big fat ash?"
I didn't want to say anything to offend the little fat ash but I just couldn't hold it in, "Boy you're the biggest fat ash I have ever seen."
All of the children started laughing at the little fat ash. He looked up at me, pointed and said, "Screw you, grizzly bear hugging druggie!"
Then all of a sudden, a bright light shown from the sky and Kyle, the fat ash, started floating into the sky. We all looked up and there was a huge, spaceship. Pluto, screaming "Give us back the fat ash, you little duck %$#@ers!", picked up a rock and threw it at the spaceship.
The ship turned around and shot a laser beam, which missed us completely and killed the little boy in the orange hood named Wendy.
"MRPHMRPH!" the boy screamed in pain. I felt so sorry for the kid, so young, so innocent yet so foul-mouthed.
Kenny, the boy with the blue coat, screamed "Oh my God, they killed Wendy!"
Pluto, pointed and yelled at the UFO, "You JackAsh!"
All of a sudden, I could feel my feet leave the ground and suddenly, the spaceship was pulling me into the sky. I kicked and screamed but it was no use. I was in the clutches of an alien being.
The last thing I remember was looking at the little fat ash and hearing him say, "So I'm a little fat ash, huh? Take this, grizzly bear hugging druggie!" Then he smacked on the kneecap and that's all I remember.
"So that's it officer. Now go out and arrest the JackAshes that did this to me!"
"You've been watching The Twilight Zone too much," the policeman said. "There's no such thing as UFO's. I oughta take you in, Freak!"
Then the police officer picks up a bedpan and starts beating the crap out your kneecap.
As he works away at your kneecap, you use the one good eye you have left to read the police officers name badge. It says, "Norm MacDonald."
"Damn," you think to yourself. "I'm never gonna get outta this small whitebread town."
