Cletus' Diary

(The following are some selected excerpts from Cletus' diary. He was kind enough to release these less private entries to help acquaint us with this man of mystery and uncommon valor.)


April 16, 19XX AD

Woke up around 10:00 AM. Realized it was Monday (trash day) so I got out the shovel to bury my garbage. I hit a snapper about a foot down. She was a big snapper, almost causing me to lose the grip on my shaft. She was wet and stinky like all the snapper around here so I popped her with my six. Pulled my shaft out of her hole and finished burying my garbage. Had some mighty tasty snapper tonight for dinner too, but that's another entry...


April 19, 19XX AD

The most successful Militia Day rally to date! Banjo Bob and I happened to meet two other musicians while passing out the ceremonial ammunition. I can't say for sure, but I think this might turn into something special…

The one guy wouldn't tell us his name, but he was a Colonel and plays just about any instrument. He lives in Remus which isn't too far from my place. He was real funny, but he wore a beret all the time and that kind of concerns me. I wonder if his head is shaped okay or if he has a metal plate in there. That could come in handy at an airport, though. Especially if we need to smuggle in a concealed weapon to protect ourselves during a hijacking.

The other guy was named Keith Jeremiah. He's supposedly a guitarist and harmonica player, but all he played with was his doinger during our jam session. He spent the better part of the evening shouting these nonsensical diatribes to no one in particular, but more than once he amazed us with his own stories of lost sovereignty. He claims to know Colonel Bo Gritz, although he didn't pronounce his name properly. Then again, he may been testing us, to see if we'd notice.


April 30, 19XX AD

Woke up around noon. I kept dreaming that it was "tax day" for some reason, which made it easier to sleep in. I was going to call my congressman about something that day, but since it was already noon I knew he'd already be out boozin' it up, so I just figured to hell with it and went back to bed.


June 20, 19XX AD

I was rudely awakened at 4:30 AM by the noisy howlings of a gray owl. Realizing that blasting this beautiful and endangered specie with my shotgun to this would enrage my neighbors, I put the silencer on my 9 mm and capped him quietly.


August 17, 19XX AD

Woke up around 8:00 AM. It was early so I called Jeremiah to go fishing, but he wouldn't answer the phone. I would've called the Colonel, but I knew his fishing license had expired (sic). I decided it would be a good day to clean out the old shed so I called up the Household Hazardous Waste Hotline and got a bunch of great information on proper disposal sites and techniques that'd only cost me about a grand to undertake. After careful consideration, I rolled up a barrel from the creek, filled it up with my old paint cans, oil filters and solvents and had a big bonfire. I invited the neighbors over and we roasted marshmallows and weenies in the some of prettiest colored flames I'd ever seen.