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In the past, washed-up has-beens in the entertainment industry usually ended up shoplifting at the local Piggly Wiggly to get attention. Pretty low, by my standards, but not nearly as low as these losers would end up getting.

The next phase was the Workout Tape phase. Everybody from Tiny Tim to wrinkled, saggy Tina Louise was coming out with some kind of workout video. Unfortunately, we, the dumb, sheep-herd mentality public got wise, and realized we were being had. There went that scam. What was next? Well, maybe I should call my psychic advisor and find out...

What if I were to tell you that I could become rich by having people call some phone number for two bucks a minute without having to talk dirty to them, but could just ask a couple of questions and make them thing I'm some kind of demi-god? You'd laugh, right? Nope, this really happened/is happening. And people are falling for this crap by the dozen!!!! You'd think this scam could never work, since the market strategy is as follows: Let's target poor people who want to better their situation. They'll send us money in exchange for us telling them things will get better. Get it? It's like Televangelism without having to come up with ten commandments! Awesome, baby!

Well, the psychic hotlines are still with us, and if that weren't enough to keep everyone on the phone for hours, then what would? Here's an idea- let's get some poor actor who is up to his testicles in debt and use him to plug our LONG DISTANCE COMPANY! Brilliant! We could get that fat guy from Animal House... Flounder, yeah, Flounder, and that Bundy guy from Married, with Children. Great! They could plug both our services as well as pushing people to make collect calls instead of forking over their own cash!

Unfortunately, one of my favorite actors / comedians has fallen into this trap. Dennis Miller, a brilliantly sarcastic comedian who never ceases to delight me in the way he makes fun of television, advertising and bandwagoning, has jumped on it himself! Dennis, how could you do it? For shame...

I, for one, have decided to boycott any spokesperson for long distance companies. Sorry Candice, no Murphy Brown reruns in my future. The same goes for the Rockford Files. I won't watch 'Dennis Miller Live' anymore, though I truly enjoyed the show, and I'll click right past Mad About You or anything else with Paul Riser's face on it (except Aliens, a great film, and he gets killed anyway).