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Pizza Hut Girl? What the HECK is a Pizza Hut Girl???

The new Star Wars movie has opened to lukewarm (get it? LUKEwarm) reviews. I haven't seen it, and will probably wait until it shows up some Sunday afternoon on the Superstation before I get around to it. The biggest reason I have no interest in this movie is the hype, and, more importantly, the dumb, lame, stupid, cheesy movie tie-ins that have sprouted like a cancer on everything from socks to laundry detergent.

My personal favorite has to be the trio of Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut. In those ads, Colonel Sanders, the Taco Bell Chihuahua and THE PIZZA HUT GIRL are battling hordes of aliens single-handedly. I would strongly urge the ad wizards who came up with this campaign to KILL THEMSELVES IMMEDIATELY for insulting us in such flagrant fashion. Do you think I'm being too harsh? Well, let's look at the players...

Colonel Sanders: The Colonel is dead. He has been dead for years. He was a benevolent, unassuming person who happened to make really tasty fried chicken. Now some actor with more makeup on than Marilyn Manson brandishing a light sabre is the magic reincarnation of one Colonel Sanders? You would have done better to try and convince me that Abraham Lincoln was alive and well and hocking chicken. I'm sure the Colonel, wherever he is, is just DELIGHTED at being portrayed first as some old white guy trying to relate to the homies in the hood ala Vanilla Ice, and now running around with a dog and THE PIZZA HUT GIRL killing things...

The Taco Bell Dog: I didn't like this ad campaign from day one. I thought the dog was stupid and the commercials were stupid. Then again, I also think Taco Bell should be shut down for the crap they serve up and call food, so perhaps the two deserve each other...

The Pizza Hut Girl: This one is a dusie. Pizza Hut actually creates a character, then calls her The Pizza Hut Girl, like we're all supposed to go, "Oh yea, the Pizza Hut Girl!" Nice try, morons. Should have thought about this character a year ago when you cut the deal with George Lucas to hock the products. I mean, what kind of last minute gasp was that? I can't IMAGINE being more on the bottom of the trio than that. Wanna spruce up her character? Have the Colonel stumble over the dog and run her through with his lightsaber. That'll boost the ratings!

Before I end this rant, I want to offer MY version of the ideal Star Wars advertising trio:

1. Mr. Wipple: Wastes any evil creatures who try to squeeze the Charmin

2. Dunkin Donuts: Instead of having his groggy face sticking through a door saying, "Time to make the donuts" you have him blasting away at the baddies proclaiming, "Time to kick some ass!"

3. Little Ceasar: A prime candidate to replace the Taco Bell dog in the role of "even less believeable than the other two". He even comes with his own weapon! Also, he's quieter than that stupid dog, a definate benefit. Instead of announcing "pizza-pizza" he could announce "C'mere you little sh*ts and get what's coming to you!"