Before I explain what I think really happened during the F1 race, I would like to express my outrage at the FIA for their X-rated television coverage of the race. I turn on Speedvision at the crack of dawn to watch racing, racing, racing. Instead, this past weekend, what do I see? Hot, leggy blondes sunbathing topless on the decks of yachts! Did anyone else catch these? There were at least three or four shots of attractive women relaxing in Monaco without bathing suit tops on! Were there any racecars in sight? No! Were these women part of the Sauber pit crew? Not likely. Hey, FIA, if I want to see this sort of material there are websites aplenty that offer it. I don't need to see it at an F1 race.
On a completely unrelated note, I strongly recommend to the FIA that all F1 races be held im Monaco, beginning with the Australian Grand Prix next year.
Now, on to the race...
Think you know what happened at Monaco? Think again...
Thanks to video trickery, those of us watching the world feed did not see the whole situation with Schumi's exhaust problem and Mika's brake pedal. Here's what I think really happened...
We all know that Mika's brake pedal gave him trouble. Actually, Mika was so angry about his poor start that he furiously wrenched the brake pedal off the floor of his car and lobbed it at Schumi's Ferrari. This managed to damage Schumi's exhaust system. It wasn't evident until later in the race that there was a problem, but Michael knew it all along. Whiffs of exhaust-burning-up-the-suspension reached Michael in the car, which, as anyone who has experienced such an exhaust breakage in their F1 racecar knows, smells a lot like roasted marshmallows over an open campfire.
Michael became immediately hungry. Knowing he already had the F1 season in hand, he decided to satiate his growing appetite. He radioed the situation to his pit crew, who immediately located a bag of marshmallows, and then called on Michael's long-time best friend, Damon Hill, to help out. Damon happened to be carrying a box of the crackers invented by his late father and before long the two chums were at the side of the track, chatting about the good ol' days, and enjoying smores toasted by the hot exhaust of the Ferrari.
It was then that Schumi made his blunder. Having eaten so many smores, his weight actually increased by several ounces. The suspension of the Ferrari, tuned to Schumi's exact body weight, was not able to handle the extra ounces, and collapsed. This cost Michael the easy win.
Now for the "Quote of the Race Weekend", offered to us by Benetton boss Flavio Briatore, who said that Jacques Villeneuve deserves ‘a better team than Benetton’ after the Canadian was linked with a move to the outfit. Why ON EARTH would he say that? That's like saying the U.S. deserves a better president than Al Gore! My suggestion to Briatore: Put your money where your mouth is. If you are saying your team deserves a driver with skill equal to the ability of your racecar, why not get Ukyu Katayama out of retirement, throw a helmet on him, and let him race the car?
