Without You
Written By Angie
What do I do, now that I'm on my own. What we did together, beats anything I've done alone. Since the day that you left, I've been asking myself, Is this how it's gonna be....Without You, what do I do with me?
I slowly opened my eyes and blinked my heavy lids against the sunlight streaming through the window. I sat and stretched, loosening my back and neck. I have been sleeping on the couch lately. I can't bring myself to sleep in the bed just yet. Although I've spent many lonely nights alone in that before, I was different now. Back then, even though I was alone, there was always that comforting thought that he would be home soon. But now...
Sometimes, it almost slips my mind that he's not coming home. Almost.
There's always that voice in the back of my mind reminding me that this was my choice. Reminding me that this was my choice. I told him to leave. He didn't want to go, but I decided that it was to hard to live without him never being here. But what am I doing now? Exactly that.
I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. Instead of wiping it away, I let it fall. I know how that tear feel. Alone, stranded, unimportant, almost forgotten.
I don't wanna go out, but I just can't stay home. I don't want company, but I sure don't want to be alone. And to tell myself, that I'm doing well, is only making believe.
I got up off the couch and aimlessly walked towards the window. I saw a young toddler, maybe three or four years old, riding a tricycle. So young, free, and light-hearted. A small squirrel ran across the lawn of the front yard. I took notice of all the birds and the chipper melodies they sang. Everything and everyone seemed so happy.
One thing that caught my attention was a young couple on the opposite side of the street. They looked to maybe 17 or 18 years old. They walked hand in hand, heart to heart. There was something about the way they looked at each other, there was something in their eyes. Something more than a look, a feeling, something I used to feel. I smiled at how they would steal glances at one another when the other wasn't looking. I remember what that was like. But now, I was numb to all those feelings. Numb to everything.
Without you, where do I go. Where do I turn, I'd sure like to know. What do I do, with all of our plans? And how do I spend all this time on my hands?
I don't DO anything anymore. I go to work, come home, spend countless hours thinking about him, and then I'll go to bed. I do the same thing everyday, just got through the motions, hour after hour, day after day, completely numb. What could I do except think of him? I didn't want to go out with my friends. It was hard to find a place that didn't have memories of connected to it, and if we did, I would always see couples together. Dancing, holding hands, in love. None of my friends really understand. They assume that because I broke it off that I should be fine. What they don't see is that it's killing me. Breaking up doesn't necessarily mean falling out of love. I've never stopped loving Josh. Never.
I've tried everything, I've been racking my racking my brain. It must be as bad as it seems. Without you, what do I do with me?
I was jolted back to reality be the loud ringing of the phone. I quickly walked into the kitchen and glanced at the caller ID box that rested on the counter. My heart stopped at the instant sight of the name.
"Angie? Ang? Is that you?" I heard him ask on the end of the line.
"Hi JC," I choked out. A lump had formed in my throat at the sound of his soft voice.
"How are you?" he asked quietly.
"I'm --- umm--- I'm ok. How are you doing?"
"Great!" he answered a little too quickly. "Actually, --- umm--- not that great." He paused before continuing. "I---uh---I miss you---- a lot." I really didn't know how to respond. I didn't realize that I was crying until I sniffled. "Are you sick?" he asked, "Or are you crying?"
"I--- well, I'm not sick...."my sentence trailed off.
"So, you're crying." Before I could answer he continued. "Ang, I didn't call to make you upset or anything. God knows the last thing that I want is for you to be hurting. So, I'll let you go now---Bye." He said quickly.
"No. JC, wait..I --- you didn't do anything wrong," I told him. There was a long silence. "So, have you been busy lately?"
"No, not really. Not touring or anything."
"Oh--umm....when can I see you again?" I asked. I wanted to see him again, to touch him, to hold him.
"Well, how long will it take you to get to the front door?"
"What?" I asked shocked. Even though I didn't believe he was outside, I started walking towards the door. "JC, I was just looking out the window," I reached for the door knob. "You're not....here." I let my sentence trail off as I looked into his aquamarine eyes. My soul shivered under his gaze. I thought for sure that my knees were going to buckle out from underneath me. Still holding his cell phone to his ear, he smiled that dazzling smile that always put an excited knot in my stomach. Realizing that too still had my phone, I smiled. "I'll have to call you back," I joked. This was the first time I smiled, truly smiled, since he left.He let a small giggle escape his lips as he hung up his phone. "What, um, what are you doing here?" I barely managed to ask.
"This was all he said. He wrapped a strong arm around my waist and pulled me to his body. Slowly, and with great caution, he pressed his lips to mine.
Part 2
Waves and waves of old and new feelings washed over me. My mind and heart were flooded with emotions. Lust. Confusion. Overwhelming joy. The need to stop. The need to never let go.
I ripped my lips from his. The kiss, amazing as it was, left both almost breathless. Our faces were still mere inches apart. I could feel his breath tickle my face. "What was that for?" I asked, my eyes closed, reliving the moment just past.
"I-I don't know," he confessed. "I just--- I saw you and just lost all self-control."
"Don't be sorry," I ran my fingers over the soft skin of his cheeks. "I'm not."
I saw a small smile overcome his lips. He let out a loud sigh. "I've missed you so much," he told me. "Ang, you have no idea how many nights I've lied awake, just thinking. I think about everything... you... me.... us.....where we went wrong...why you stopped loving me...."
I interrupted him. "Josh, I never stopped loving you . I just--- it got too hard. I lie awake night after night too. Wondering if I made the right choice. My mind keeps telling me that I did, but my heart says something different. JC, I just don't---"
"You know what your problem is?" He broke in. "You talk too much." And once again, his lips met mine. With that kiss, every bit of doubt or question or confusion disappeared. All that remained was that feeling of home. I knew, in that moment, that all the hesitancy and inquisition in my mind didn't matter anymore. It just didn't matter. The only thing that counted was this man, this kiss, this moment.
"Mmmm...." I finally pulled my lips from his. "Care to come in?" I joked, we were still standing in the doorway.
He walked past me and inside the house, that used be OUR house. I caught a whiff of his scent as he strolled past. There was a slight smell of cologne, but the most part of it was just ...just....male. It was HIS smell. It may sound corny, but it's one of those little things I miss; just curling up in his arms, burying my face in his chest, and being intoxicated by that mixture of soap and cologne.
"So...."
"So....."
For some reason, the silence in the room seemed deafening. It felt so odd, being in the same room with the man that I use to call my husband, and still be nervous and unsure of what to do or say. I knew he felt it too, I could see it in his eyes. His eyes......I swear that I lose myself in them everytime I look his way. We always had this ability to carry on a conversation without saying a single word, just looks and glances were all we needed.
"You said on the phone that you guys aren't touring, recording a new album or just taking some time off?"
The look on his face was one that I wasn't used to. I wasn't sure how to interpret it. "Actually," he began. "Umm... I uh...I.... I left the group."
I was shocked by his words. "You what?!?" I exclaimed. Never in a million years was that what I would have expected to him to say. "Josh...why? What happened?"
He rubbed his neck with his hand. "I just got tired of it all, I guess. Tired of always being on the road, putting up with the twelve years old, the screaming, the publicity shoots.... I got tired of all the sacrifices I had to make. For Christ's sake, I screwed up my marriage over it and for...for...for what?"
"For your dreams. You told me countless times how much you wanted to be successful, how much that meant to you. How can you just walk away from it all?"
"Believe me Ang, it wasn't a decision I made quickly. I thought about it for months and months, lost countless hours of sleep, and you know how much I love my sleep," he attempted a joke. "It came down to me getting my priorities straight, figuring out what was right for me and doing what I wanted. Yeah, a long time ago, all I dreamed of was being a big star and making the group a success. But now," he sighed. "Now, everything's different. I don't know if its' everything else that's changed, or if it's me. I put a lot of thinking time into every choice I made, and when it comes right down to it, all I want is to be back with you."
I stared blankly at him for a little while, letting his words, every last one of them, sink in. I wasn't sure what to say. Day after day, I've wanted to hear him say this, these exact words, but now that he did, I didn't know what to say or do. "JC.... I...."
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