I many times in my life, have asked myself this question. I'm sure many others have as well. Love is a four letter word, that can mean things no one can honestly understand. There are many different kinds of love. It comes in all shapes and sizes. It comes in different people of different cultures. It arrives with no limits, nor expectations. Love has no boundaries.....yet often we create boundaries within ourselves and lose what we were given from the start. Most people have said, "Love hurts." In all fairness, love does not hurt us, nor make us fear it coming to us. It is ourselves who hurt us. With judgments, expectations, and limits to our potential on loving and feeling for one another. We live in a society full of these things. Our own emotions become confused with meeting the standards of others, abiding by the morals we have created in such a world we live in. In all reality, we lose what we were naturally given to us at birth; the innocence of love.
Love is mystical and magical. It gives us a feeling like no other emotion can give us. Love is powerful and mighty. It gives us courage and faith within ourselves when we become filled with it. It becomes this force in our lives that directs our every dicision and interaction with others. Most feel they must "fall in love" for love to happen. We watch other relationships around us on a daily basis, good and bad, and create our own "visions" of love and how it should be. Love isn't something that is learned nor taught. It is natural. We lose touch with it, and we let go of the most cherished beings to us because of our own fears. That is when we hurt. We put the blame on something that is beautiful and kind to avoid feeling failure, and defeat. We then become discouraged and insecure; feeling love is an emotion that, in the beginning, is wonderful and fulfilling, to a feeling of anger, resentment, and insecurity.
I myself have mistaken love many times. I feel there is potential in love for everyone, and for everyone to love one another unconditionally. But this will not happen. We are too afraid. I've experienced many different stages of love. The stages can range from "Puppy Love" to "Unconditional Love". I can say as I write this, that love hurts. Because I have felt it. But...I have learned that love didn't fail me, I failed it. Love can be chanced, and it can win. Only if you let it.
Many tend to mix up the emotions of Love. Many stay with relationships that do not fulfill their needs for the sake of the love for their children. In reality, staying without love, only causes harm. Many take love and do not give it back, or vice versa. Love needs to be fair. It needs to be given equally and fairly. Without doing so causes an imbalance of emotions, and eventually the "seed" becomes over watered or overfed. If you take care of love, it will take care of you.
Love is very complex and it needs necessities to survive. Just as we need food, sunlight, and air to survive. It is almost a living thing all in itself. Love needs to be nurtured to grow and thrive. If you neglect to "water and feed" it, it will not die, but only become a seed again. A seed that needs to be replanted, nourished, and adored all over again. Love needs love from within ourselves to keep growing and expanding. I've found that the more self-love that I feel for myself and my spirit, the more love I feel I can offer to others. I feel vibrant, giving, and attentive to the needs of others. To feel love, is to give love. And to give love, is to receive it back after doing so. Love is a child, and you are its parent.
I didn't let the continuous flow of love soar through that open door inside of me. What I did was build a wall against that door, brick by brick, not realizing I was shutting it out. As well as shutting out many whom were very dear to me. Love became this "problem" in my life. It became this object of obsession. It became a sorrowful emptiness that I so often craved in my life. But ah...as I write this, I now know that it is none of those things. I had just been opening the wrong doors and keeping the right one barricaded shut. It wasn't easy removing the bricks. Remember....it took such a very long time to put that wall up to begin with. Taking it down was harder work. What put me to the realization of my "tough luck with love," was taking a good look at my life. I noticed behavioral patterns within myself. I compared past relationships and found many similarities. I was amazed. I wrote these down....looking carefully into what I had felt within these relationships. I remembered feelings and situations. Unconsciously, I was repeating the same mistakes over and over again. The mistakes, at times, were only minor. Yet so very crucial to the next decisions I would make. Love wasn't dying in my relationships, it was dying inside of me.
I'm 23 years old now. I'm sure many would laugh at my confidence to know so much. And maybe I don't know many things. But I do know love. I've been pulled down far enough to do something about allowing it into my life with open arms. I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud of myself for feeling love, its full emotion and its kindness. You see I've recently discovered what love is all about. And when I did, it took my breath away. For many months now, I've been doing some major "house-cleaning" with my emotions and my self-love. I had then reached a point to where I had enough of hoping "love" would happen outside of me. So I looked inward and discovered the beginning of the rope. I tugged, and pulled, and yanked for many days on end. Each time I did, it would give way a slight bit. I began forgiving myself for failing love and failing those who wanted to share their love with me. I was not a bad person for failing. I was only confused and my emotions shaded from what was before me. I was continuing patterns I had lived for many years. I didn't understand true fulfillment in relationships nor devotion. Once it came knocking on my door, I closed it shut. I looked for mistrust, disloyalty, and deception. For this is all I felt could happen. To me, love seemed to last only for so long, then the loss would happen, or I would be left alone and insecure. I was wrong...so very wrong.
Even though I know what I have learned, I failed love. I let it go and I damaged its being. I became unfair to its gift, and in return, the things in my life became unfair. I found it again recently. And for the first time in my life, I felt its full strength. Nor did I feel it alone or experience it alone. It was shared. It was mutual. And it was fulfilling. The many emotions that I had felt were on the same context of what I had felt for Love before. I felt the rush of passion, the racing of my heart, the kindness in my thoughts, and the "butterflies" created in my stomach. We all know what comes along with those feelings. But there was something greater there. Something I cannot name nor explain. There was a connection unlike no other I had ever felt in my lifetime. A bond so deep and mysterious, that I still wonder to this moment what its contents were. The wonderful thing about it, is that I still feel that bond. It has opened many paths within my mind, and created roads I have wanted to travel down for years upon years ago. All the same, it has created confusion and uncertainty. What is happening is that "love" is now invading my life pattern of "loss...insecurity...hope...and emptiness". This does not anger me. It intrigues me even more so to persue it. It is "bait" and I am going for it. It's something that I've been missing for so long. Maybe since I was a child. And all the years of searching are now over. The regret gone, the hope found, and the candle is now ignited. I now know my destination and I shall pursue it. It took me many struggles and hardships to find this love within me and outside of me. So in return, it will take many struggles and hardships to have it ongoing in my life. It's time for change...and it's time to start now. Love has been given to me, and never again will I let it go.
In conclusion I can say that I've unlocked the door to that question "What Is Love?". Many will come up with different answers...maybe the wrong ones...maybe the right ones. But it is fair to say that love isn't something that someone has to give to us for us to feel it and have it in our lives. It begins within ourselves. It begins with accepting yourself for who you are, and loving special qualities you hold. When you accept yourself and let these qualities shine through, you love yourself. And loving yourself makes you lovable. The definitions will vary and the meanings for each one will hold something very unique and special for each individual who names it. But the common ground is this: Love is greater than any emotion, living thing, and any source of power. Love is satisfying. Love is fair. Love is nonjudgmental. Love is honest and trustworthy. Love is a gift given to us before our existence. Love is mutual. Love is creation. Love is the key to the void we so often feel within ourselves. Love is meant for everyone and we all are capable of its power. Love is a secret to share when no one will listen. Love is the peace to the fear within. Love is your inner child shining through your being. Love is safe and secure. Love is admiration for yourself and others. Love is capable of growing and expanding. Love is kindness and generosity. Love is within you; find it...care for it....fight for it....and adore it, and it will grow and become you. It will last and it will survive. Believe in its goodness and never take it for granted. Love contains a life of emotional well-being and a vibrance within. Never let it go and it will never let go of you. Never let go of its potential for you will lose your own. Don't pass love by...it's a chance of a lifetime.
Serena
1998
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