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Flex's Insane Journey into the Cyberworld

Welcome to my HIZZZOUSE!!!!!

I NEVER update this page, so if you're looking for new shit...suck my pole!

FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS!!!!!!!!

It's April 18, 1999. Wow, it has been SO long since I've even glanced at this waste of space, let alone write shit on it... Still, even great things can stand a good addition/improving now and then, so here goes.

Actually, I'm not going to add any shit today as it's about 25 degrees (that's celcius, for you non-metric louts!) outside and I have plans, but I do have some more foolishness to shit on about, and will do so sooner rather than later. Things to look for: pictures of my Korean adventure; an interview with "Little Elvis"; "2 Thumbs up ye' Bum" movie reviews; my latest rants and opinions; Curious George: The Teenage Years; and so on. So please, be sure and drop back to this pile 'o sheep dung now & again and see what I've added. And, as always, leave any complaints/death threats/adoring comments in the GUESTBOOK. Naked photos can be either sent directly to my e-masil address or other arrangements can ne made. Anyonghe-gaseyoh...for now.

NEW SHITE!!!!!

Welcome to "Poetry Corner", the latest piss-up on this vacuous pile of filth. A girl I know once said "Limerick me, baby!", and said how any guy willing to do so would be able to reap the benefits of such an act. Well, Robin, to that end I dedicate the following bits 'o prose to you...

Lunchlady Doris in all her Glory

While enjoying a beer with my lunch,

in walked an old maid with a hunch.

She told tales of woe,

rubbed jam from her toe,

and invited me to feast on her cunch.

When Love goes Sour

Two star-crossed lovers who found a spot,

started to get things all sweaty & hot.

But as she took off her shoes,

B.B. King sang the Blues,

'cuz a pleasant experience it was not!

Another Baaaaaaaaaad Experience

In remembering my days of past glory,

there comes to mind one particular story.

While out looking for shoes,

I got ripped on some booze...

and awoke with a sheep in a dory.

Ode to Skanky Cooch

After snacking on a puss for not too long,

the man raised his head and spoke of wrong:

"I've hung out on docks,

and eatin' bagels and locks...

but ne'er have I smelled such a pong!"

Beauty, eh? I think so. Next, we shall delve into the teenage years of that ever-so-inquisitive monkey, George. Before going any further, however, I must point out that this is the story ONLY -- the artwork has yet to be completed & added. So please, use your imagination. George would!

Curious George -- The Teenage Years

Look at Curious George. He's into everything these days...including his good friend the girl in the blue dress!

Here we see George experimenting with mushrooms. These are special mushrooms, though. They have magic powers, but certainly not the same as our friend Mike the Magician. George used to be curious about whippits & glue-sniffing too, but after a 6 week stint in rehab he kicked the habit.

George sure does like experimenting! For a few months back in the 80's he tried things the gay way, but he soon realized that his hoop dreams were all just idle fantasies. Good for you, George!

As you can see, George has grown -- especially his right forearm. This is because soon after George hit 13, he discovered "Little George".

And where, you might ask, is the man in the yellow hat? Well, he's currently serving 8-10 for bestiality. George is in denial about all of those goings-on, however, and has thus far blocked them from his mind, so we'll say no more.

George has a lot more hair now, too...and in places where he previously had none. Don't be frightened, George. At least you don't have pimples. And George's most likely high, although muted, voice is now cracking. Or at least we assume that it is.

Getting back to the girl in the blue (stained!) dress, we see what can happen to a once sweet girl after the discovery of sexual power. The girl in the blue dress sure does have a reputation! Poor George, he loves her even though she passed an STD on to him. He's been getting "the dose" weekly ever since.

That's all that's up with George right now, but as he'll be off on his first unsupervised vacation next week, I'm sure there will be plenty more to tell. Stay tuned!!

Well, here I am...bored, hot & hungry in the middle of the Republic of Korea -- better known as South Korea -- on a sickeningly humid Saturday afternoon. I hadn't planned on updating this shithouse, but as the internet cafe I'm presently in is air conditioned...... SO, where do I begin? Korea is a strange fucking place filled with insane drivers, hot food, horrible smells and BEAUTIFUL women. Always a great melange. My job licks the big one, but the pay is sweet, so I tolerate the ample pile of shit. Plus, one of the assistants is SUPER hot & I plan on working on her until she's been introduced to some good ol' Canadian dick, courtesy of moi. I'm such a generous fellow, n'est-ce pas? Anywho, I think I'll stop for now and finish doing the e-mail thing, so stay tuned and keep looking for updates as undoubtedly they'll arrive. In due time, of course.

Oh yeah, and if you're looking for all sorts of pictures & animated .gif's and shit -- LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE! I'm too lazy to fancy my page up. If you don't like that, fuck off & die 'cuz I don't give a rat's ass. Enjoy the page! (As I say that, I'm smiling one of those fake "welcome-to-McD's" smiles)

I lied! COMING SOON... Name those tits!

In my quest to ever lower the standards if this page, I'm going to start adding random pics of one of my ex's tits for your viewing & guessing pleasure. If you can name the exact size (eg. 36C), and if you can come up with an original and funny name for "the girls", then maybe...just maybe, I'll add even nastier shit. This is what happens when you have girlfriends up for anything, and a scanner. Giddyup!!

*NOTE: As of today -- Thursday, Jan. 29th -- the bastards at my ISP have yet to ship me the proper software so that I may logon and thusly use my brand spankin' new SuperMac system & scanner. AND, as I leave for South Korea in exactly one weeks' time, I doubt I'll be able to get the photos up after all. Yes...I know it's sad, but what are ya' gonna' do? Anyway, I just thought I'd let you all know the status of the ex-girlfriend peepshow I had planned. Perhaps in a year's time when I return from SK I'll put them on...but I doubt that as I'll be off to Australia shortly thereafter. Ah well, all you perverted bastards out there in the cyberworld looking to get your jollies at the expense of all my ex's will just have to look somewhere else. Not like there aren't a million other places on the 'net offering free T&A. Keep on shmokin'!!!

I was in a movie!!!

Check this out!! I got to play a role as an extra in a flick shot here in the city. I'm in several scenes, several of which are even close-ups!!! The name is "(something-or-other) Wedding" -- I'll find out the full name of the movie so that when it comes out you all can see me in my 15 mniutes of fame. All I can say is "You better recognize" and "Step off!!" to all the punk asses and fuckwads out there. Blow me, fuckers!

*GRATUITOUS NUDITY!!! Perennial excuse to show a babe in the buff.*

Alright...the naked chick is gone. No more complaints, "ladies".

Hi, I'm Flex and this is my web page. It is still being worked on, but it will have to do for now. If you don't like it, I really don't care...just go. If you do like it, however, feel free to hang around and enjoy some of the crap that's on here. My audio greeting is apparently not working yet, but I hope to have that remedied soon. Until then, just swear at yourself profusely as that's most likely what I would have done.

I guess I should tell you a little about myself, so here goes...

I enjoy Kraft Dinner and even Chef Boyardee...but I'm strictly in denial about that last remark. I usually breathe oxygen, although lately it seems the air quality has dropped significantly. I swear a LOT. Whenever I feel as if I need to exert power over any of God's creatures I squish beetles and listen to that delightful *popping* sound with glee. I once lit my basement on fire as part of a failed experiment. I need some new clothes. I swear a LOT!! Jello is delicious and no one will ever convince me otherwise. My alcoholic beverage of choice is white rum and coke. I drink to excess whenever possible...and even times when it's not. I'm a professional.......professional ASSHOLE, that is. I've had my license for about 9 years now, yet only have one traffic violation. Bastards caught me! I once ran into another car and left my buddy's car there as proof, but the other person never complained. While in New York last summer, I was almsot shot in a police shootout. COOL!!! I'll add more later........

**SHAGGY (You know, the dude who hangs with ye' boy Scooby): The Coolest/Luckiest Motherfucker of them all!**

Shaggy could be a case study, as a matter of fact, I'm sure that during the 70's when every other person was either fucked-up on weed, heroine, or spray paint, that he probably was. I can see it now, "Professor Johnson...yeah, cat, I'm gonna' prepare a thesis on Shaggy's codepedency/bestiality/asexuality in comparison with the usual sexual mores of the period...and this affected the public in general. Shaggy was the man, plain and simple. Seriously, look at his life: his best friend was a talking dog!! That, in itself, is the shit! I mean, he and man's best friend could swap sex stories, share a bong, alternately purchase beer and smokes, etc etc etc. Not only that, but he enjoyed the same foods as Scooby. It's rather unfortunate that those bastards in the "Mystery Machine" treated Shaggy like a half wit waif. I mean, they even rationed his snacks. Fuck that, what kind of sickos get their friend hooked on doggie treats? While they are Chicken Phyllo and Filet Mignon, they left him to starve so that he'd eventually crave a dogfood...so they could get the perverse amusement. There were a few advantages to hanging with the others though. He got to cruise around in a cool van, that no matter what, never needed gas. He did all kinds of trippy things like run around with murderers and psychos who constantly wear mask after mask. But, the piece de resistance was definitely the fact that he got to hang with that shapely piece of meat Daphne. Ohhh...how my nightly dreams were fuelled by the longings for her. I may have only been 6, but boy oh boy, she brought me my first woodie. Shaggy was also ahead of his times -- the man was politically correct. He did not make light of Fred's obvious feminine ways. The hell with that, Fred was an out-an-out bumdart. The ascot just laid the foundation for his fruitiness. Velma was a definite cunt/pain in the arse/douche bag/fuck. I ALWAYS hated her. I wish one of them had beaten her to death. Or just erased her. Anyway, it's time for me to get some supper...but rest assured that there will be more to follow.

Ranting and Raving:

Why is it that when you meet the woman of your dreams she either is a psycho, has an STD; believes that men are evil; has unbearable and constant gas; never introduced herself to the wonders of soap; or all of the above.

When I go to a nice restaurant, I like to be able to order whatever I want...and if that includes a lapdance by the hot, young waitress, I don't see the problem.

It should work that if I see a babe I'd like to get with, she should automatically feel the same way.

I want a long distance phone company that will send Playboy bunnies to my place.

Is it just me, or are fat women becoming too mouthy and commonplace?

I wholeheartedly agree with women who believe they should have the right to wander around topless -- go for it ladies. Although, only if you're young, babalicious, and willing to give it up.

More ranting...

Why is it that even in my dreams bitches slap me across the face??

When is someone gonna' grab that little fuck "The Pillsbury Dough Boy", with his faggot laugh, and chuck him in the oven at 425 'til he's golden brown???

What the fuck is with these new "extra strength" adult diapers?? I mean, I don't care how much piss these motherfuckers hold, if I go out one night and have a few, my kidneys could raise the sea level 3 feet let alone overflow some diaper thing. And what about the stink?? "Ummm....*whispering* I think it's coming from him". Fuck that, if I had that problem I'd get a strap-on tank, like an oil drum, and I'd wear that bitch like a badge of honor! "Yeah, gimme' a case of Keith's and I'll show you pissing!! The fire department is trying to draft me for Christ's sake!! I'm holding out for 8 million plus renegotiating rights".

Okay, so here's the deal...I'm walking down the street today when I spy one of those adult porn shops, so naturally I go in...I mean hey, why not? Anywho, I'm flipping through some bizarre, trashy porno mag when the proprieter comes over to me and asks me if I need help. What the fuck is with that?? What the hell could this fuckup help me with? I thought I'd scare the dickhead so I said "Yeah...I was hoping to whack off right here, but I don't have any tissue to clean up with afterwards...could you spare some?" Needless to say he got the fuck away PDQ.

As you may have guessed, this page will probably offend the more sensitive people out there in the cyberworld. Unfortunately I decided to wait until the end to put this warning so it's too late, you'll just have to be offended. Nyah nyah nyahnyah nyah!!!

***Coming Soon: Highlights from my book "The Real Man's Bible".

This page will be updated and improved as I get the time and urge...so just deal with it as is for now!! I've been in a really bad fucking mood lately, so I haven't got around to improving this. If you aren't happy with my lack of progress, go fuck yourself....as a matter of fact, go fuck yourself anyway.

Update: While I'm now in a good mood, you can still go fuck yourselves...just on principle. Anyway, as requested, the special "Fuck off bitch" for this week goes too.....*drumroll please......*

That little pansy at BK that fucked up my order...I said a Double mother fucking Whopper with cheese and bacon!! Stupid inbred bastid!!

****************************************************************************

I have nothing to say, but as that's never stopped me before...

Firstly, what is with Aussie chicks? I mean, there oughta' be a law against sounding that hot, yet being such dickteases. Food for thought.

What exactly is "justifiable homicide" and who decides the criteria??? I need to find out this one. Oh, I NEED to.

Overeaters Anonymous -- who's kidding who? Like anyone could miss seeing these fat bastards rolling down the street. And if they don't chill with the spandex...!!! Nothing worse than seeing Shamoo in her polyester tarpaulin.

Crack babies. Not a pleasant topic, but it begs the question: Are there Coke & Pepsi babies too? Would explain why people are so adamant about 2 damn near identical flavoured colas.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger -- is it just me or this hag one self-aggrandizing, holier than thou, arrogant cunt?

Zellers Days -- Why not make them National White Trash Holidays? At least then it would be easy to round up the undoubtedly criminal scumbags.

Cigars. Bad trend. Let it go people. Anyone ever hear of originality? My buddy Krahipster seems to think the 40's and 50's were the times to live in. Obviously he's for the homogenized, do-as-your-told, no personality society. What a wank. And if he truly believes that period was so "calm", maybe he should read the book "Death Scenes". Yeah...the "good ol' days" weren't so good after all, pal.

More to follow......

Extra chewing gum...who's kidding who? What an original idea that is. Instead of creating a gum with a flavour to begin with, they just took a flavourless stick of cud and and wrapped it in some slick advertising. Smells of the McDonald's "100% pure beef" scandal to me.

Jukey, party in a can. Cool ad. Wow, I have nothing bad to say about it. Amazing.

Royale with cheese vs. Shrimp. Will anyone ever solve this struggle?

Piss Woodies. A recent incident with my girlfriend has prompted me to bring my real world into the page, if only this one time. It seems as could be expected after a night of solid drinking and hardly pissing, that I awoke with a piss hard-on. As all guys know, it's not real wood, just a fakey. Well, despite my best efforts, my girl decided that she was going to try to ride my ever-so-hard Johnson like there was no tomorrow. Trying to explain to her that that was like kicking me in the boys with a wrecking ball only made her perverse mission that more imperative. Sick girl, she is. To get to the point, ladies (and I say that with the utmost of disrespect), do NOT do this to your man. It is neither funny or sexual, it just pains. If you wanna' get bitch slapped, so be it. Just remember, you've been warned.

Even more to follow......

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Memories of the Rumpus Room

Welcome to the latest section of my neverending struggle to free the child and perverted bastard from within the confines of my constrictive soul. As I've recently moved, I feel that a dedication to the Love Shack, aka my former apartment in a city a ways from where I live now, is long overdue.

Sure, the place was stagnant, decrepit...hell, it may have even been a little wretched, but it was home. Ahhhh...I remember the environment so well. How I miss the Foyer, Grand Promenade, Cuisine, Map Room, Facilities, Nook, Alcove, Forward Lounge...and even the Vault, for its unmistakable odour. In this forum, I plan on reliving my fondest memories of the Rumpus Room ad nauseum. So sit back, grab a short stack of Cherri mags and cappuccinos, and prepare to have more of your worthless time expended.

Huh...to be continued........

Today's topic: Bitches vs. Cunts

Eazy-E once said "...a fool is one who believes a bitch is a lady, a brotha' is one who knows that a bitch is a ho, and a nigga' is one that knows all women are bitches, and bitches ain't shit..." (or something like that). E, in his most eloquent way, made a good point. Now, having said that I'm not trying to imply that us men are all saints -- hardly! As a matter of fact, I freely admit that I'm an asshole. Again, I'm just making the point that most bitches won't accept to hear that they are so...and it's always the biggest bitches, aka the cunts, that make the biggest stink and insist that they are not so and will not tolerate being thus described. Yeah, right. I mean, "bitch" isn't even a bad term....hell, I call everyone bitch: guys, girls, my Mom, etc. A cunt is where the problem comes in. Why is it that there are so many fucking cunts out there? Why are so many hoes born with attitude shoved up their asses?? I dunno'...I guess that's just part and parcel to being the inferior and weaker sex. Wouldn't know...don't have that problem. And why do so many cunts acrry around the emotional baggage? Is that part of the package too? My belief is that the scientists should address this problem and erase what is now much more than a rogue gene, that is to say, the "cunt gene". I want millions spent on resolving this issue. More to come...

*HELP WANTED!!! On a personal note, I'd like to put the offer of employment for a maid/cook/massage therapist/sex slave/chauffeur/etc out. All qualified cooches must have nice nates, a good rack and overall be hot enough to melt steel. (Huh-huh...) Maybe I should say burn wood instead?? heheheheh Anyway, any and all interested hoochies can e-mail me with their resume (aka their measurements, a recent EXPLICIT photo, etc). Thank you and have a nice day. *grin*

***To all you fly ass bitches out here, buh-bye and fuck ya' later!!

*** Check my links...I add new ones now & then! ***

*** SIGN MY FUCKING GUESTBOOK!!!!!! ***

Now look what I've gone and done......

Me, after a few hoots on my bong. We're all happy now!!!!

Sign My Guestbook View My Guestbook

Being the class act that I am, I thought I'd add a link to Meg's webpage. She's actually a very sweet, lovable bitch...and so are all her friends, assuming you like angry, evil chicks. The shit they have to say is just insane, and thusly and inpsiration. Were it that they lived nearby I'm sure we'd all either by the best of friends, but more likely the worst of enemies. Shit happens. Don't worry, smoke endo.

Shameless pilfering of Liz's lava lamp...at least I own one in reality...so suck me. LUCKY...SUCKY...FUCKY......

Hey look, I have a NEW ICQ NUMBER (UIN# FUCK YOU (It keeps frigging up!!))!

So now, not only can you sign my guestbook and let me have it, but you can also freak out at me after you do so...all while I'm online!! Let's hope I'm on when you're on. ICQ is the shit...plain & simple.

SHAFT RULES! I wish I had wa-wa pedals for shoes so that I could walk around making that fucked up sound. That would be the ultimate trippy thing to do.

This is your brain on drugs

I'm not Bugs Bunny, I'll break your heart!

No making fun of the pic, either! It was done as a joke. My sister asked me to get in a pic as she had a new camera and as I just awoke my hair was dead ass flat. Ah well...oh yeah, and I discovered another thing I don't know how to do -- hem pants! I need a chick to do that and my ironing for me as well...mine told me to fuck off and learn to do it myself. Cunt.