The serious bodybuilder's gym in Venice, California. I'd see her there almost every day as I trained my pro-athlete clients in mind/body techniques for peak performance. She was strong, and extremely spirited. She tackled the weights aggressively, and her form as she trained showed that she'd achieved a mastery over her body that the other women apparently all envied.
One day she pulled me aside and asked if she could pay a visit to my office. At our appointment a few days later, she sat across from me, an attractive, strong, vibrant woman, and explained that she wanted my help in resolving a problem in her marriage. She and Jeff had just celebrated their first anniversary. In all respects, it had been a loving, rewarding time, except one.
"From the very beginning, Jeff has been the sexually threesome dating aggressive partner, he initiates everything," she said, to my surprise. "I do love that quality in him, but it also intimidates me. I'd like to do some of the seducing in our sex life, but I just can't find the courage to act out my desires. I'm afraid he'll resent me for it. I'm also afraid that if I stay inhibited about this, the relationship is going to suffer."
As a hypnotherapist, I frequently work with people who feel trapped by limitations. Clients seek me out because they feel there's something holding them back from achieving what they believe they can. Elena had broken lots of barriers in her life-she was a tiger on the job and in the gym, with big payoffs in terms of lifestyle and body image. But in the privacy of her own bedroom, her sexuality was held prisoner by something she couldn't understand--something she felt she couldn't overcome.
Like Elena, Marti was a strong, resourceful, vital woman. When she came to me, she was full of enthusiasm about her life; her job as an advertising coordinator was exciting, she took night classes to learn advanced graphic design, and she was very much in love with her live-in partner, Stephen.
But her life required a tremendous amount of effort as she juggled work, school, housework and Stephen. "Inevitably," she said, "Stephen wants to make love (he's a very motivated sex partner) after I've already put in a 16-hour day. I'm bone-tired, but how do I tell him that? I don't want to disappoint him, so I give in and end up just going through the motions, not really enjoying it. How can I put a stop to this so I can be honest about my feelings without hurting him?"
Both Elena and Marti were denying themselves the potential for radiant, joyful sex, and loving, honest relationships by allowing negative subconscious programming to dictate their sexual self-image and subsequent actions. That inner mental programming, which, for the most part, originates during childhood years, has a broad influence on responses to sexual situations, and invariably sabotages even the most valiant efforts to change.
These are not deep-seated psychological problems. Literally, they're not "problems" at all, merely conditions which are an extension of negative self-communication, having its roots in inhibition and fear based reasoning. When we feel like we can't express our powerful sexual drive in a way that's natural for us, we start to build, then hide behind walls of quiet frustration. The resulting resentment and sense of failure can literally destroy self-esteem-and otherwise loving, nurturing relationships.
The exciting premise of hypnotherapy and NLP is that we can retrain our minds, uprooting negative, restrictive ideas and beliefs, and liberate our strong, spontaneous and naturally expressive selves. Both Elena and Marti, and many other clients, have been able to rapidly make that transition by using a creative mental training technique I teach clients called "Sexual Self-Image Programming," or SSIP. In my clinical experiences, SSIP has proved itself an effective and practical way for you to reprogram old, frustrating sexual habits with new responses that unleash your natural sensuality--in a thrilling and wonderfully healthy way.
THE FIRST "WRITING" ON OUR CLEAN SLATES
As children, we all received messages from our parents and other authority figures that, in many ways, made us look at sex and our sexuality suspiciously. The rules were handed down to protect us from others and deter us from early experimentation. But the long-term impact is that a lot of us suffer from inner conflicts in adulthood; we deny ourselves the right to pleasure and the full expression of who we are. Even though our reasoning mind tells us that our sexuality is healthy and natural, our subconscious mind projects feelings of guilt and negative consequence when we attempt to be truly intimate with our lovers. And the frustration can be merciless.
If you find yourself in a situation similar to Elena's and Marti's, the simple fact is that your potential for complete sexual happiness is being sabotaged by your past conditioning. "Good girls don't flaunt their sexuality; good wives don't reject their husbands' advances." From the depths of your subconscious, such directives still whisper at you.
YOU'RE NOT HOPELESSLY TRAPPED
Your conscious, rational mind has been telling you the truth all along. And it's in your best interest to both accept and respect your own feelings with the same interest as you do the expectations of others. The SSIP technique enables you to assert your right to express your sexuality in a way that's satisfying and fulfilling for you; you can transform those old habits and suppressed feelings into open, honest, sensual expressiveness!
What's been learned can be "unlearned," and replaced with new, enriching ways of thinking and acting. The time you've wasted in frustration and anger at yourself and your partner can be better spent discovering the erotically rich and sexually alive woman within you. The Sexual Self-Image Programming technique enables you to decondition the inhibited sex related behavior of your past and develop the free flowing assertive nature leading to enriched intimacy in all aspects of your relationship.
SEXUAL SELF-IMAGE PROGRAMMING: THE FIRST STEP
First, set aside some quiet time to take stock of your current sexual behavior and make a note of the traits that dissatisfy you. Make a list if you need to. When you've isolated these, choose the one area you want to work on first. For example, maybe you'll concentrate on asking your partner to touch you in a certain way, or mustering the courage to directly show him how. Maybe you'll focus on telling him you'd like a rain check when you aren't up to an erotic interlude, or maybe you'll pay attention to learning how you can play the aggressive seducer.
One important note: work on one issue at a time. If a couple of qualities in your sex life trouble you, don't tackle them all simultaneously. The SSIP technique works best when you concentrate on just one concern at a time.
For example, Susan came to me with two unfulfilling situations on her mind: Like Marti, she felt obligated to unconditionally meet her partner's expectations no matter what she wanted. But because of her suppressed desires and "giving" nature, she also was often unable to have an orgasm even when excited during lovemaking. She so wanted to tell her boy friend that a new position she perceived as exciting and increased oral stimulation would solve her problem, but she was afraid that Tom's pride and ego would be hurt. After some discussion, she realized she had a right to explore and fully enjoy the realm of her sexual nature, and decided she wanted the ability to tell Tom exactly what she wanted, exactly the way she wanted it.
Focus exclusively on one aspect at a time until you see, and enjoy, improvement. Then move on to the next.
THE SSIP TECHNIQUE
(Please read the entire technique through first before you begin to perform it.)
When you're deeply relaxed, you can bypass the critical, rational, conscious portion of your mind and gain direct access to your subconscious (inner mind). As the tension flows out of muscles and nerves, your conscious processing slows down, and your subconscious mind - with its life-enriching capacity - can then be influenced. And when directed toward your outcome, this subconscious power naturally converts into feelings and behaviors generated toward achieving (and richly enjoying) your desire.