Vagispalonchter Case Study

    Dr. Herman Feintusch is the brilliant gynecological zoologist and neurosurgeon who has been credited with the discovery of the vagispalonchter. The doctor was involved in a privately funded study, for which he spent several years in the Amazon Rainforest living among the Tupuia people. The study began after the Innovatio Research Group, of which Dr. Feintusch is a senior scientist, came across an amateur Brazilian case study focusing on the regions floral secretion of a new strain of the neurotoxin, batrachotoxin. This new strain of batrachotoxin, renamed omnibatrachotoxin, created small, benign boils on the animals flesh instead of killing them. These small boils later grew into vagispalonchters, now widely known thanks to Dr. Feintusch. Fortunately for the Innovatio Research Group, The doctor's combined professions of gynecological zoology and neurology played the greatest role in the discovery of the relationship between the floral behavior and the vagispalonchter.

Dr. Herman Feintusch

    During the Innovatio case study, Dr. Feintusch examined over 12,000 specimens, all with different variations of the standard vagispalonchter. The standard vagispalonchter was the first organ growth the doctor found and was first thought to be the only form of Generically Formed Reproductive Organ, or GFRO. Contrary to his initial theory, Dr. Feintusch concluded that, since a large number of unrelated species were suddenly reproducing with no biological or genetic barriers, a wide range of GFRO's were created by nature to compensate for the biological difference between species reproductive systems. This expedient reproductive evolution, also known as hyper-evolution, spawned hundreds of different types of vagispalonchters in a relatively short period of time. The discovery of this form of biological event led Dr. Feintusch to consider this case of hyper-evolution as a byproduct of the released neurotoxins triggering some long-lost, emergency survival genes within the mammalian population.

    The vagispalonchter works by opening its extremely flexible inner orifice muscles wide, spreading the outer folds letting the phallus into the vagispalonchter cavity. After the phallus is completely within the cavity, the muscles latch on using a vacuum created by a diaphragm deep within the vagispalonchter itself. During coitus the vagispalonchter muscles massage the phallus until ejaculation. After coitus, the muscles slowly retract to their initial size and rigidity, closing off the cavity to begin embryonic fertilization. Depending on the combination of species, the incubation period lasts between three months to roughly one year.

    Although the majority of vagispalonchters evolved into fully functional reproductive organs, there are a few adaptations that prove far less efficient. The uniclitoral vagispalonchter is one form that failed to operate simply because the upper and lower corners became fused due to a genetic mutation, although stimulation of the organ happens significantly faster and is much more intense, especially when the uniclitoral lobe and outer fold is inflamed. Dr. Feintusch explained that this mutation is most likely a failed genetic response caused by vastly different species being able to reproduce unhindered. A second unfortunate variation of the vagispalonchter is the trilateral vagispalonchter, which uses a single, triangular, upper muscle. This vagispalonchter type fails to hold a phallus because of improper latching.

    Some forms of vagispalonchter became very efficient, however, such as the stereolysopic vagispalonchter, which is able to receive and fertilize two independent mammal species simultaneously. Such optimization is not without a price, as the stereolysopic vagispalonchter is highly prone to infection and, depending on the combination of species, creates a great risk for the pregnant organism. The aforementioned infection is attributed to the higher levels of neurotoxin within the organ.

    Recently, the growth of vagispalonchters on male gendered mammals has incited curiosity from Dr. Feintusch and the Innovatio Research Group. It is speculated that males are growing vagispalonchters to further increase the reproductive capacity of the mammals in the rainforest. Other wild speculations further this claim by suggesting that the Amazonian flora want to oust insects as the dominant life forms in the rainforest and replace them with the far less threatening mammal species. With a new vagispalonchter study to begin soon in February of 2011, it won't be long to hear if these speculations have merit, or are just wild assumptions.

-- Johnathan Allegro

11 Photographic examples of vagispalonchters:

Photographs supplied by the laboratory of Dr. Feintusch

Figure 1 - Standard vagispalonchter
A standard vagispalonchter, which consists of rounded outer folds and inner muscles.

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Figure 2 - Standard vagispalonchter during coitus
A standard vagispalonchter during coitus.

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Figure 3 - Standard vagispalonchter after coitus
A standard vagispalonchter after coitus.

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Figure 4 - Respirating vagispalonchter
A standard vagispalonchter breathing in the new neurotoxin, omnibatrachotoxin, to continue its reproductive function.

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Figure 5 - Infected standard vagispalonchter
A standard vagispalonchter with a diaphragm infection. The vagispalonchter muscle is flushing the vagispalonchter cavity of failed embryonic bile.

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Figure 6 - Infected stereolysopic vagispalonchter
A stereolysopic vagispalonchter with a diaphragm infection. When one cavity becomes infected, the other cavity also becomes infected due to a symbiotic relationship between the two reproductive systems.

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Figure 7 - Trilateral vagispalonchter
A trilateral vagispalonchter at rest. Notice the weak latching muscle.

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Figure 8 - Uniclitoral vagispalonchter
A uniclitoral vagispalonchter.

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Figure 9 - Stimulated uniclitoral vagispalonchter
A uniclitoral vagispalonchter during attempted coitus.

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Figure 10 - Inflamed uniclitoral vagispalonchter
An inflamed uniclitoral vagispalonchter.

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Figure 11 - Stimulated, Inflamed uniclitoral vagispalonchter
An inflamed uniclitoral vagispalonchter during attempted coitus.

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Sources:

Journal of Health: The Innovatio Case Study of Amazonian Floral Omnibatrachotoxin

pp. 12 - 17 Feintusch

Journal of Health: The Innovatio Case Study of Vagispalonchter Growth

pp. 2 - 5, pp. 13, 24, 29. Feintusch

Johnathan Allegro

Journalist / Editor - Dungus Daily