Someone
Mood:  sad
I wish I had one person in this world that was ever faithful, loving, caring, true, loyal honest.  Someone who's on my side no matter what.  Someone who loves me inspite of my faults.  Someone who recognizes I will always be a bit moody, sometimes distance, need my own space.  I just want someone who loves me without treating me like a science project, without trying to change me.  Someone who loves me just the way I am.  Someone understanding.  Someone who loves me when I'm wrong, but has the strength to say, "hey, you're wrong on this one, but I love you anyway."  I don't care if it'a friend or a boyfriend.  I'm just all alone in this world.  No one gets that.  That's part of the reason so many ppl have been able to take advantage of me and abuse me.  I do have issues, love me anyway.  You have issue, we'd work through them together.   I just want someone on my side for the first time ever.   THIS IS NOT A DATING AD.

Facebook
Mood:  down
Facebook is a great reminder of how wonderfully everyone else's life is going and how mine is still so shitty.  My sister just got married. My brother is enjoying his career, his inheritance, his new car, my mom loves projecting that she's the portait of the perfect mother.  D is enjoying motherhood and being a lovely wife.  K is loveing her son and her blossoming music career. Etc Etc Etc  Everyone has something going on in life and I have nothing.  I have two kids my mom picked up from the babysitters' while I was as work back in 2006 and claims to everyone I ABANDONED them, so I can't see them because of her habitual lying.  I still am friends with the sitter that I allegedly abandonded them with.  Now, riddle me this; WHY would this person continue to be my friend or even have anything at all to do with me if that's really what occured???  I have no car.  I have not been able to finish a college education because unlike my brother Brian no one has been around to kiss my ass and constantly send me money so I had to take out student loans which are now in default because of my shambled life.  I'm such a failure.  My mom always goes on about how much she's done for me.  So, yeah, thanks for abandoning me with an alcoholic drug addict when I was for.  Way to parent.  YOU are the abandoner.  I know all too well what's it's like to be abandoned and heartbroken I could never could never not in a million years do that to my own children.  Anyone who knows anything at all about me would know Joshua was my entire world.  It's heart-breaking.  I have to go throw up now.  I've never had anyone.

Pray
G-d, please help me.  Help me help my children have the wonderful lives they deserve.  Dear G-d, please don't let them go through the misery I have been through.  Please help me find a way, please help me find my way.  I'm a good mother, I know I am, I don't need to pray for the ability to be a good mother, I already AM one.   Please give me the chance to be with my children again.  Please watch over them while there are obstacles keeping me from them.  Even though those caring for them have scorned me, lied about me, abused me, please please please watch over them, and give them the strength, courage and knowledge to care for them in the best proper way.  Thank you.

My Abusive Boyfriend
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Pissy
I've had an abusive boyfriend in my life since 2006.  He's physically, mentally and emotionally abusive.  He is legally seperated, has been since 2006, but refuses to get divorced.  It's not like I'd EVER marry him, but we do have a son together and at some point that's going to be confusing for him.  SO. you'll eventually get more details in my adventures in abuse, but for now I just want to rant.  In June 2009 he burglarized my apartment, broke through BOTH glass doors just because I wouldn't talk to him. In February of 2009 he was arrested for assaulting me, and the same situation in January of the same year.  Now these are not the first arrests or incidents of violence.  So, he's had these warrants for quite some time.  Today, Halloween, he was FINALLY arrested and I had been looking for some much needed time off from him.  He received letter MONTHS ago saying that his pre-trial agreement had been violated and they were revoking his bond for committing more crimes against me while out on bond for the same exact things.  Well, apparently having your bond revoked doesn't mean much around here bucause I've just now found out they're letting him go for $1,250.  Juuuust effing perfect.  So, then he can come back here pissed off about being broke for having to pay his bond because clearly EVERYTHING is my fault.  If it weren't for me he wouldn't have to hit me, it's my fault if I call the police bc he's hit me, etc etc etc.  If you know anything about domestic violence cycles you already know what I mean.  Where his cycles differ from most abusive men is that we don't go through a "honeymoon"  stage.  He just doesn't care.  It's like he has no conscience.  SERIOUSLY!!! He never has shown remorse or even admitted what he's done.  When I bring it up he says I'm crazy, bipolar and he's never laid a finger on me...what a psycho.  I wish I were in a better position in life to get the FUCK away from him.  I'm unemployed, I stay at home with our Autistic son.  My driver's license is suspended for unpaid tickets all the way back in 2005.  I don't have a car.  I have a completely unsupportive, selfish, uncaring, unkind family.  I depend on him soley, financially.  When our son was younger, I tried to have him and daycare and keep a job but he refused to pay any amount at all towards the daycare.  And you know how expensive that can be.  He has a job that pays over triple what I would be making.  He always hates when I have a job anyway and does thing to embarrass me at work or keep me from going to work since I don't drive.  He knows money could mean my independence, therefore he hates it.  On the other hand, he LLOOOOOOVES to tell me how I'm just a mooch, and I'm pathetic for not working, etc.  It's a lose lose situation.  I'm just so  resentful and angry these days, and that didn't used to be me!!!!!!