Today
Mood:  hug me
another really hard day emotionally

The past few days I haven't been able to sleep. I know exactly why, but that doesn't help, in fact I think it makes it worse that I know the reason to my insomnia. His decision is starting to effect me and it is blatinly obvious, I just wonder if he notices sometimes. And if he does notice, does he just try to ignore it because he knows that it kills me inside? I just wish he was there by my side when I feel like this

Today I woke up around noon (3 hours of sleep) like I always do because the stupid bitch Alyssa wakes me up EVERYDAY to see if I want to go discing. I was going to call Dave, but I figured he'd call me when he woke up and he needs the sleep anyway. Sat around, watched a movie, ate some food, played with Billy, did some laundry I called a couple of times, but he just wanted to go back to bed. Keep in mind that all I've been thinking about is him moving to Chicago and what decisions I need to make if we're going to be together and make it work. I couldn't help but cry last night. I sat on my front porch and cried because someday soon seeing him isn't going to be an option. It's not going to be the old "I don't know if I should come over this late because I have to work tomorrow". It's never going to be that easy, once he moves away. I'll be lucky to see him once a month when he moves. Even just talking to him is going to be different; he's going to be so busy with work, it'll be like I don't even exist to him. Thats at least how I feel. Hes starting his life in Chicago, why even bother with some stupid 18 year old girl from Rochester. Anyway, all this shit is running through my head and I keep thinking to myself that once I talk to him it'll be better, like it always is. He calls me back to tell me he has to work on an assignment and he has to let me go. I put the phone down and I dropped to the floor and I cried on my laundry room floor. I thought about if its like this now, how the hell am I going to deal with it when he's really gone? I thought about looking back at that exact moment years down the road and I wondered what I would be thinking. If I'd be telling myself, "Sweety it's ok, if only you knew that in just a few years everything makes sense, Dave and I are happier than ever, together." or if I'd be telling myself, "Honey, you haven't even seen the worse of it yet, back down now before you really get hurt." I just hope when the time comes, I know what to do.

Words
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

When someone uses the phrase, "Words cannot explain the way I feel..." its often overlooked, shrugged off, not taken seriously. People don't really understand that when you feel so strong about a certain something that finding the exact right words to explain to someone is almost impossible. It damn well is for me tonight.

A few years back I was hurt real bad by someone I was with. I fell hard in love and it still pains me to even think about how rough it was coming out of that relationship. Ever since that day when i made the realization that I surrendered myself to love and it failed on me, I promised myself to never let it happen again; Never to be so stupid to fall in love again with someone, anyone. Yeah it seems silly to even believe for a second that never falling in love again is what I wished upon myself, but nothing mattered anymore. Love to me was a 2 year addiction and I was slowly trying to wean myself off of it. It didn't make a difference how I distracted my broken heart, wether it involved getting fucked up beyond comprehension or to mutialte myself until I felt a deeper pain than what my ex had banished me to. I was a train wreck, Love was the engineer and I was the damsil in distress tied to the tracks like in the old movies. Except there was no one there to save me. I didn't want anyone to save me.

Some years passed and sure enough, as everyone told me, I got over it. I picked up a few new hobbies what with spending so much time hiding away in my room and all and playing video games became one of my favorite things to do. I played Halo religiously. I picked up Counter-Strike again and ended up meeting someone who changed my life.

Words cannot describe the way I feel about Dave. He showed me love and without hesitation I welcomed it. I wasn't scared anymore, in fact, I have never been this happy in my entire life. I love him more than I could ever explain in words. The only was I can describe it is this: When I'm in his arms and I'm looking into his eyes and he is looking down into mine, it seems as if time itself has stopped. I don't mean the entire world but for me and him in that moment embraced in his arms, nothing else matters. The world could be going at lightspeed for all I care, all that DOES matter is that I am with him and he loves me just as much as I love him, maybe even more as he sometimes claims. :P I love him more and more each day and I always will.

I love you Dave