I originally created this username as an email address that would be used to keep in contact with the only man I ever loved. "The Heart Won't Lie" is the name of a song I'd never even heard of until he downloaded and had me view the video for. Sung by Reba McEntire and Vince Gill, it's a song that speaks of a past love and the pain that comes with losing that love, where "Sometimes life gets in the way". Upon first hearing the song that day with him huddled in our small computer room, I found it to be a beautiful song and was touched he'd downloaded it for me to see knowing that Reba McEntire is one of my favorite artists. It wasn't until a few months later when I drove away from the only man I'd ever truly loved that I let the words and the meaning of the song really hit me because well, life got in the way.
It'll be 3 years this November that I got in my truck and left. The first year was the most difficult and painful that I've ever lived through. Christmas and New Years of 2005 my heart ached so much to be near him that my only prayer every night as I cried myself to sleep was for relief from the pain that I feared would never go away. Yet through all the pain that could only be blamed on my own foolish pride, I never reached out for him. I drove back up to visit twice in the first few months since my departure, but no letters or phone calls were even attempted until several months later when I'd found out from 2 different sources he'd begun to see someone else. Just when I thought the pain of being without him couldn't get any worse, it did. I had no one to blame but myself, because I had made no effort to keep alive the relationship that was once strong enough to weather the worst storms a couple can face. The day that I left I hadn't told him it was over, but neither did I assure him that we were still together.
I sent a couple of letters and even drove up in the middle of the night to leave a note on his windshield. After recieving no replies for several months, I made the decision that it was time to face it. In June of 2006 I made the 2 hour drive north for what I knew could very well be the final time. When I saw him again, all my resolve melted. The original idea was to find out if there was another woman and to then attempt to give him my heart once again. We only spoke for about 20 minutes but in that time I found out he'd never recieved any of my attempted contacts, he was with someone else and he was happy with her. Perhaps it was the easy way out, but I swallowed my heart and kept my feelings to myself. Although I wanted him back, I wanted him to be happy so I left well enough alone. We spoke like old friends, talking of what had been going on in our lives. With a final hug, he went into his house and I got in my car to drive back to a life that meant nothing without him.I haven't been able to look into those hazel eyes since.
A few months later, I think it was actually around this time 2 years ago, I sent him a letter inside a birthday card. He called shortly thereafter and gave me an email address I could contact him at where it wouldn't cause problems between him and his new girlfriend. That is when I created this username, so he could see he still remained in my heart. We exchanged a few friendly emails about life and happenings, yet I still didn't bear my heart to him again. The last contact I recieved from him was December 15th, 2006. I had told him I'd gone on a date with someone new, that it seemed okay so far. Although that was truth, my hope was that it would ignite some flicker of SOME emotion for me. Looking back on it now, it was so silly and immature of me to game-play that way. I was hoping he would show a spark of how he felt about me, and yet I had shown him nothing. He sent a reply a couple of weeks later telling me to just be myself with the new guy and that was the final email I recieved.
His email address has since been inactive, verified by a few attempts to contact him. I didn't have his phone number and I never sent him another letter, for fear of causing him more problems in his new relationship. I put a 3-page letter in the mail yesterday, along with a birthday card I made online for him. For the last couple of years, I've gone on with my life without him but he's never been forgotten. In the last week or so, my love for him has come back to the front of me again where every moment I spend awake is spent thinking of him, no matter what I'm doing. He should be recieving the letter tomorrow I think and I pray with everything in me that I'll recieve a reply. The thought of what is to come from that letter consumes me now and once more, my heart is crying out for relief from what I feel.
