This website is being created out of love for my lost daughter, Hannah. She comes home from school, every day, but at some point, she has gotten lost. I am trying everything I know to help her find her way back, but she is not very receptive. She began hurting herself in the 8th grade. I thought that had stopped. Over the past year, or so, she hasn't been eating right. I thought she was just not eating healthy, and had her checked at the doctor. The doctor said everything was fine. Then she started to "appear" to be eating right, in front of me. Before I took her to the doctor, I had found vomit in trash cans & chewed Up food she had spit out. She seemed to have stopped that, but I have since found empty boxes of laxatives, and print outs for 400 calorie diets. I also recently found out that she has been hurting herself, again. A friend of hers told me this. I believe it's been about a year, or so since she started. I was told that it started around the time she read Wintergirls. It's kind of funny...as a teenager, I saw a movie about a teen alcoholic, and thought that would be fun & cool. I wonder if it's the same twisted thinking Hannah is having...
So, I am putting together this website, for everyone who loves & cares about her to show their support, and whatever else we can do to keep her from being lost completely.
About Hannah...she was born December 12th, 1992. From the very beginning, she has always done things at her own pace, when she's ready. We are not a big family, but we love her. It is Hannah, myself, and her sister, Alli, who is 4 years older. She is also my artistic child. She can create any type of art---she can write, paint, play musical instruments (multiple), and she is also very creative with creating computer graphics/pictures.
Here is something she wrote...
"Please don't throw up anymore," he says.
What else am I supposed to do in my spare time? "I won't," I say.
"Don't cut yourself anymore."
The more blood the merrier. "I won't."
"Stay safe, please."
Maybe I'll just go slit my throat or play in traffic and get hit by a car, maybe a truck, maybe a bus, that would be fun. "Always do."
I should really stop lying so much. Good friends don't do that. Good friends are always honest with each other no matter what. This makes me a bad friend. I'm a terrible friend.
No. That's not true. If I were such a bad friend then I wouldn't be lying to him in the first place. I would tell him every time my hand went down my throat and every time I sliced open my flimsy skin bag and every time I went through an entire day with the growls in my stomach shaking through my entire body. That's what a truly bad friend would do. I don't burden him with those things, though. I'm the good friend who deals with it on her own and doesn't force it on someone who already has enough to deal with without having to worry about little old me. I am a great friend. I'm the best friend anyone could ask for.
"Have you been eating?" he asks.
It's a Tuesday. No, a Wednesday. It takes a minute for me to verify for certain that it's a Wednesday. I nod silently and continue typing. I really have to finish this paper. It's due Friday, I think.
"What did you eat today?"
I finish typing the sentence and pause, trying to think back to the last thing I ate. No, I didn't eat today. I ate breakfast yesterday, I remember that much. I mumble something about oatmeal, making sure that the 'oatmeal' part is all he hears, and resume working on the paper.
"I can hear your stomach growling."
"I'm fine. I'll eat later."
"You could eat now."
"I don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because I just don't."
He doesn't answer, but I can feel his eyes on me. He's just watching me now, probably in anger. I wouldn't be surprised if he were angry with me. I would be, too.
I can't eat, not now. If I eat now, I won't ever stop. I'll cram a 2,000 calorie serving into a mere half hour. I'll spend the rest of the week hating myself and feeling disgusting and wanting to just cut myself out of this filthy, useless body of mine. Right now, I am empty and clean inside and I am strong. I can't just throw that away.
I just have to stay empty. Empty is strong. Empty is pure. Empty is good.
Please....for all of you who love & care about Hannah, help me to help her.
This is your main content section.
Page Views: #