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I Am Hunger
I'm there as the day draws to a close.
I awaken you abruptly with cold, frantic pangs.
I will never let you hide from my critical gaze.
I am hunger, your friend and wanton enemy.
As long as I hide in plain sight,
Your loved ones will not have a clue.
As long as you surrender to me, my weak one,
I'll give you all that you want and much more.
I applaud as you whittle your fat body down.
And will frown when your iron resolve starts to wane.
If you strive for perfection, I'm here and I'm proud.
All that I want, is to look at your beautiful bones.
They're waiting to break free of your repulsive fat.
How on earth could you explain how euphoria feels?
That special sensation born of rapt self-denial.
The thin is the winner in spite of myself.
Be forewarned that there will be many pictures of severely emaciated individuals, so if you are likely to be triggered by such graphic material, then by all means, tread carefully. I have posted these shocking and frightening pictures so that someone coming upon this site is able to tackle the touchy issues head on. I have been working very hard on this project. I just felt that it was time to take a long and hard look at both sides of the eating disordered camp: I will use "The Anorexic Web" as a strong and extremely well-crafted site owned by former anorexic Lisa Ardnt as an excellent example of the "Pro Recovery" issue and "oOo Anas Underground Grotto oOo" an equally brilliant and poweful "Pro Ana" site. I am not taking a stand in either defense. As far as I know, there are no websites that will look at both sides of this powder keg of a political issue. I most assuredly don't have all the answers. It has taken me many years of disordered eating, bingeing and purging and engaging in extremely strenuous excercise regimes to come to the rather unsettling conclusion that there are these two very distinct philosophies in cyberspace.
As a struggling anorexic and bulimic, who has been hospitalized on four separate occasions when I have relented and accepted help to "cure" my eating disorders, I am here because things have now changed. Completely. I was forced to have a nasal-gastric tube in my nose and down to my stomach, where it remained until I was no longer in danger of losing my life. They pumped pure glucose into me while I lay helpless. Finally it was removed and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I thought that my eating disorders were behind me and at the age of sixteen, I felt truly optimistic with the thought that everything in my life would improve if and when I conquered my nemeses, anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.
As it turned out, nothing could have been further from the truth. Three more starvation periods followed over a period of thirty-five years and three more times, I was thrust into a hospital setting with doctors and nurses determined to "make me well." At five feet three inches, my weight has plummeting from one hundred ten pounds to a low of sixty-four. My entire universe became totally saturated in the dismal world of living from one anorexic experience to another. It was not much of a life and I wanted out.
My traumatized family sat by and watched their daughter, sister, aunt and cousin routinely starve herself into a state of near-death. And after the third episode, they all began to distance themselves from me. I was alone, having lost many friends to my eating disorders. I pretended that this rejection didn't bother me, that everyone was simply jealous of my svelte body and didn't want to have to compare themselves to me. It became a safe, comfortable and friendly place, this throne on which I stood, basking in the giddy notion that I was achieving perfection through starvation and purging and if that meant I was destined to live a lonely and skeletal life, then so-be-it. The thinner was the winner every time.
But this site is not only focused on those two parallel universes. I am taking things one step further and concentrating on creative writing as a means for self-expression. As this site grows, there will be short stories, poetry, including haikus and a novel-in-progress that I am hoping to have published.
You are going to see a lot of pictures of rail-thin celebrities. I hold these individuals in my mind's eye as I look in the mirror and find that I fall very short in comparison. These are my "pro ana" days. I think to myself that my life will be rich and complete if I had Lindsay Lohan's waifish figure. And I get stuck there until the "pro recovery" mode kicks in.
These celebrities will be incorporated into my stories. For example, one deals with a young woman's gradual disintegration into the world of bingeing and purging and this person will be "played" by actors like Nicole Richie, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton. This may seem a bit odd, but it's something that hasn't been done yet, at least I don't believe that it has. I have just put up two message boards, one for discussions for and about people have opted not to go into treatment at this time and need a safe place to post and the other for individuals who wish to recover from their eating disorders. I am trusting that you be respectful of both sides of this controversal issue and will not abuse these forums.
I regret that Aimoo decided to take down my "Sidestepping Recovery" forum, so I have just posted another and have wisely used a different board host. Here it is at last. I would have taken action sooner, but my beloved cat, Julius died on September 6th and I've been pretty much of an emotional mess.
Here's a picure of my dear little man with his mommie:
Here is the newest link, posted today. It's a little more personal. I've posted a link to a site with a great calorie burning chart in the following link:
New "Ana" Story:
Here's my address if anyone needs me:
haven_of_the_delicate_sylph@yahoo.ca
I must purge the fat from my hidden bones.
It repulses, sickens me.
And like flying, splintered stones
It hurts me----can't you see?
I banned you once, you fatted cow;
Sent you screaming into the night.
But now you're back and I must vow
To claw and tear and fight.
I'll reclaim my power----just wait and see.
You'll no longer taint my life.
I'll emerge one day; I'll be lithe and free
While you dig your grave with your fork and knife.
Running from you will diminish me;
Make me aerodynamic and small.
You will fall by the wayside and see
That I'm not fearful of you at all.
----Delicate Sylph.
Last Updated:
November 11th, 2006.
