The Day That My Past Came Rushing In
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: The Hill - Once Movie Soundtrack
I'm so nervous. today is the day. i haven't seen anthony in what seems like forever. i want to make a good impression on him cuz he doesn't exactly have the best memories of me. i just hope that everything goes over well. Anyway, carlos called from his brother's house earlier this morning around 3......twice. I didn't answer the first time he called cuz i thought it was a telemarketer, but then i realized it was carlos cuz at least telemarketers respect me enough to call at a decent hour. so then, almost 20 minutes later he called again. I still don't know why he called, i think it's cuz he wanted to hear how my non-date with aj went even though it wasn't yesterday, it's today and he thought that it was yesterday. carlos claims to be almost straight edge now. it makes me kinda proud of him, but then again idk how much fun he'll be now. anyway, i should go take a luxurious, sexy shower to pamper myself and feel good and confident when i'm with anthony. if i spend enough time on myself then i won't be insecure.

The Day That I Quenched My Thirst
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles

i would have never guessed that i would see him this morning and not only did i see him, but i finally had sex after around a 3 week dry spell. it was wonderful, no i didn't cum, but i still get these feelings in my vag. i can still feel the feelings of sex well after actually having sex, it's weird. anyway, we made out alot......which was cool. i told him that i still might do it with anthony. he sounded disappointed or maybe i just want him to be disappointed, idk. and i was telling him about how i didn't want a relationship and he said that he does and i suck cuz i don't. i don't want a relationship because he's the only person that i want to be with and i can't so yeah. my knees are slightly swollen, lol. i wish that he would have let me keep the polo. i want an article of his clothing. random i know. i would give anything to be with him again, anything for another chance with him. but that just isn't possible. well with one boy out of the way, i need to focus on the other one, anthony or rather aj. i'm so excited. i haven't kissed him in over a year, i can't wait. anthony is nice and all, but i can't find it in my heart to care for or love him nearly as much as i do carlos or did, i'm not sure. i just saw him about 5 or 6 hours ago and i already miss him. it's like he has me in a trance, a daze. he is my crystal meth.

The Day That I Saw that Every Action Really Does Have A Reaction
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Battle - Colbie Caillat

well, nothing exponentially spectacular happened today like any other day. i asked anthony if he wanted to hang out today, cuz we've been planning to hang out, but he's taking a bagillion years to reply. what could he possibly be doing? i mean i don't think that his life has changed too much in a year. whatever, we'll reschedule. anyway, i need someone to distract me, someone to....play with. i think wanna have sex with him........

 

on to carlos. there's not much or actually anything to say about him. cuz despite my very many attempts to do so, i have yet to hear from or see............ or fuck ......... carlos, which is quite depressing. i need to hear his voice, see his face, touch his body, and beg him to touch mine. they say that love makes you crazy, well, so does sex.

The Day That I Subdued to Exhastion
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Never Too Late - Three Days Grace
i'm trying to figure out why the hell i'm so tired. yesterday was a good day. i was quite tempermental though. me and the girls were at jazz's house cuz her mom was having a rummage sale (like every mutha fuckin else around her neighborhood). it was nice for the four of us to be together again. plus jazz's mom let us drive her car!!! it was wonderful having just that bit of freedom and soon that freedom will be reality.after that me lyssa and meals went to faiths crib for a bit then to whole foods then back to faiths then on a 3-hour long bike ride. one of the hardest bike rides of my life. we had to go up a bagillion hills yet it was all worth it cuz the hills that we did ride down were high, scary, and an adrenaline rush all the way. we left about 5:30 and didn't get back to faith's til 9. then we ate cuz we were all dying of starvation. then we went upstaris to relax for a bit before gettin ready for rocky horror. wil came over shortly after and watched us put on makeup, lol. then we dolled him up and headed out to the oriental. when there we met up with kevin and his brother MICHAEL GERRITY!!! my future husband who doesn't know it yet. we also saw sinead and dylan from school. it started super late cuz their equipment was fucking up.  a bit after it started me and meals got mega tired and i scrunched up in my seat and i unintentionally put my feet under micheal's thighs and he didn't say anything about it and i kept adjusting myself to kinda test him and he still said nothing. that made me smile. after we were gonna hang with them, but wil was on some bullshit so he just took us back to faith's. we slept til like 10 today and  then me and meals went to breakfast and now i'm here. i haven't deciphered my day like that on here before and i won't again, too much typing. anyway all that is great and all, but i miss him so much. i need to take action........today. i can't stand not having him around me. i need to see him, talk to him, something. i want him sooooooooooo badly. right now, today. something has to happen.

The Day That I Realized That I'm Not Easy to Satisfy
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: You and I Both - Jason Mraz
not hungry for food, but hungry for him. yesterday, after what seems like forever, i saw him. FINALLY!!! i called his name and saw that he rolled his eyes and mouthed the word 'fuck', so i started to cry cuz i thought he didn't wanna see me. he told me to stop crying and said that he didn't even say anything yet. really he did though, he just didn't know that i noticed. we talked breifly about nothing. i said it was nice to see him and he returned with a it was nice to see me too minus the crying. i hope he meant that. i asked if he could call me that night and he said that he'd think about it. thanks to my mom who called his job for who knows what i didn't get a call. i'm so happy that i saw him though, but honestly.................. i want more. more of him, but i know that i can't. i'll try to at least talk to him on the phone. I want him soooooooo badly, yes that way. i want him to mess up my sheets. you get what i'm saying now? i tried so hard to resist tearing his clothes off only because his friends were there. ONLY because his friends were there, lol. i'm relieved though cuz at least he wasn't there with a girl. that sounds quite selfish, but he means so much more to me than i like to admit or acknowledge. i wonder when the next time is that i'm gonna see him. i just can't get enough. he's my addiction.

The Day That I Broke Down
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: I Miss You - Blink 182

this site doesn't have the best selection of moods to choose from. in other news. last night/this morning was quite horrible. i crashed my moms car into a wall. great choice, huh jimmie? and then cried my eyes out all for the love of him. i just spilled my guts out to my mom about how much i miss him and that i'd give anything for things just to be different. i don't think he knows what's happening to me, i don't think he cares. if anything he probably wants me to hurt right now. or maybe he's been thinking of me too..............very far-fetched, but somewhat possible. but this isn't really the time to be ambitious, now is it?

The Day That I Started to Feel Lonely
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: The Garden - Mirah

which i do right now, without him. without him, i feel that a piece of my heart is missing. i feel...............empty. i'm good at pretending that everything is ok, which i've been doing a lot of lately. it's crazy, everything reminds me of him. even the most irrevelant thing reminds me of how irrevelant that thing is to him. honestly, no matter how much i wanna just tell him that i'm sorry and wanna take all this back, i know it's for the best, that i need to stay strong. but oh my god am i horny!!!! i know that if i ever saw him that i would just jump on him right then and there (well, if we were in a good spot. but i guess i'l have to say goodbye to awesome sex for now).  i hate to admit it cuz it makes me seem vulnerable, but i miss him terribly. the past few days: i went to state fair sunday and had an awesome time. i saw tons of people. i saw matthew (dude who gave me skittles for my b-day), who was so handsome and might be transferring to arts!!!! i've been channeling my frustration with the carlos thing into training and getting in shape for volleyball, by myself. but i'm really getting used to the idea of doing things alone. it's good, sometimes. today i went driving. i'm surprising myself with how good of a driver i am. the one thing that had some fault, my turns, have been improved upon tremendously. well, thanks to these lessons and my night driving (shhhh, it's a secret). i wanna fuck him right now. i've been going on these websites and reading these books and have thought up some great things. if i could have him just one last time....

The Day That I Decided Not to Look Back
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

I wrote this before, but lost my original blog so let's see what i can remember. today was the day that the last straw broke the camel's back. i don't expect ot see or talk to him after today and i'm happier than i've been in a while. i gave him more chances than he needed to do this fairly, but instead he decided to be stubborn. so today i gave him another chance for us to walk away from this unscathed, and today he was still as adament as ever for things to be his way or nothing. i never got his parents involved before because i was afraid that he would never forgive me and now, frankly, i don't give a shit anymore. I AM FED UP!!! i've been doing this too much for too long. i'm also, coincidently, watching diary of a mad black woman on tbs. since he wasn't willing to compromise, i'll do things his way, by breaking him down, and making him hurt, just like he has done to me. i trust in karma to do it's part, but i wanna pitch in too. you can't always let everything be. i've come a long way and am damn proud of myself for being better than before. this is it. i wrote something today:

un cuento de muchos                                               by: jimmie harris

i can never get him off of my mind. here i am trying to find the hate in my heart to soothe my soul 'cause this realtionship has taken it's toll. here i stand as the story unfolds, seeing things that once never showed. stepping out showing his true self, leaving me confused like a victim of stealth. i try to adjust, but i'm not really with it. i try to give up, but i can't really get it. so now i'm just fucked..........................and don't know how to quit it.

 i like this one. when i say it, it sounds cool.

Indecisiveness at it's Peak
Mood:  not sure
Well, yesterday was both a happy and sad day. it was fun and we really started to get in shape at camp. every muscle in my body aches. it hurts to sit down and i even started getting bruises on the inside of my arms from bumping the ball. after we (me, lyssa, jazz) went to mcdonalds and wongs wok (cuz jazz is japanese, ha ha ha) and then just hung out and it was fun. sad part, in the early morning carlos called and said that his step dad had him do stuff so he couldnt come to the park that night, idk if i really belive that. he  had to hang up soon too and to my surprise he didnt call me back and he didnt call this morning either to finish our conversation. its funny you can go on a date today, but you cant go a few yards from your house? oh hes going on a date today, he doesnt know that i know. im not exactly sure how i feel about that , nothing too happy. i was well i was good at pretending to be happy for him before cuz we were cool, but now im just............not as happy for him. i really wished that he had called tonight.  hes too busy though not standing up other girls.i have to start getting dressed in 3 hours so im gonna try to get a bit more sleep. hmmm......i wonder if he checks this every now and then? probably not.

Way to Predict the Future Ms. Cleo
Mood:  blue
i can't take it. i know that whenever i can't handle something i go crazy. here it comes.......another mental breakdown.