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A letter to my Parents is below so please read and enjoy Dear Mom and Dad, Writing this letter is a daunting task for so many reasons. I've sat down to write it several times already, but have not managed to make any sense out of what I need to say. Part of the problem is simply not knowing where to begin or how to explain what has gotten me to where I am and where I want to go. Part of the problem is just not knowing how to talk to you two, specifically. I've done so much talking recently -- to friends, therapists, people entering and re-entering my life. Once I opened up, it became easier to talk. In fact, it became somewhat impossible to stop talking. Nothing in particular occurred to bring this about now; it's just time to address this head-on and move forward. This letter is long overdue, but I wanted to collect myself and my thoughts before coming to you with this. I'm not sure how much you will understand, how much you will tolerate. I just hope that you will be open for further discussion, and that you will at least make a concerted effort to understand. I hope that you will listen. This letter will probably not come as a huge surprise to you, since the issue has come up recently and I have put you on hold with it. I thought at first that I should work things out on my own before coming to you with it all, so that I would have more definitive answers to offer. Also so that I could hold my ground more strongly. But, I've realized that it might be best to initiate this conversation sooner rather than later, with the hope that this will give you that much more time to come to terms with it. I suppose the first step in this should be to assure you that I am coming from a place of unprecedented comfort with myself and understanding of myself, and that I am excited about the various opportunities before me. The attitude that you remarked on during our previous conversation, that "take it or leave it" thing about me these days, comes from an acceptance of who I am, who I have always been, and how I would like to go about living my life from here on out. It is a tumultuous time for me, but like I said, an exciting one, as well. This does not come out of spite, and it is not a personal attack on you in any way. I'm not trying to make a statement, although I know that that might be unavoidable. I realize that you two are unlikely to share my eagerness or enthusiasm, but I think that it is important to reiterate that this is, for me, something positive. It's tempting to go back and offer you the experiences throughout my life that have led up to this, or that help to explain it. But I'm resisting that, at least for now. Right now, I'm not as concerned with how I got to where I am, as I am with where I go from here, and how. All I will say is that this has been a life-long issue for me. I have looked at it in various lights, turned it over several times, approached it from every which way, and am now finished backpedaling my way out of things or trying to find alternative ways of dealing with it. I'm being more honest with myself and others, including you. I can't say it enough: I'm finally just ready. As opposed as I am to the idea of "coming out," I suppose that it is fitting to say that I am coming out as transgendered. What that means to me is that I have tried throughout my life to be a boy and a man. But it has never felt right. Even during those years when it seemed to be "working," when I thought that I could "boy" myself, after all, I was uncomfortable. Approaching this from a political perspective, and delving into it from the even safer distance of academia, I tried to perceive myself as a defiant man. I tried to take pride in teasing the boundaries between male and female, in existing as an example of the actual ambiguity of gender. I called myself "gender queer" and resisted adopting "transgender" as a label for myself, because I did not wish to affiliate with the community at Smith, and because I was reluctant to rename the sum of my experiences thus far with a term that was not available to me growing up or when I was first coming into my own adulthood. I wanted to believe that I was something different, something somehow distinct from all of that, that I was just me. To some extent, that remains true. I have accepted that what makes me me in the first place is my gender. It has always been a source of anxiety for me, both internally and in my interactions with the world at large. Before now, I had just attempted to deal with it by skirting the issue entirely, trying to circumvent it, trying desperately to ignore it. Now, however, I am finally facing it, accepting it, and believe it or not, reveling in it. I am transgender, because I feel completely in between genders. I've never made a believable boy or man; I've never been interested in that or comfortable with it. I'll also never be like other women, because I have the distinction of having a boyhood and young manhood behind me. These things do not deter me. Instead, they have compelled me to examine this from the inside out, to ignore as much as possible the various influences from the so-called "real world," from trans-communities, from the realm of queer politics. I have been sitting down with myself and figuring out what I want, separate from what is expected of me, separate from whom I wish to please, accommodate, or protect. And this is what I have come up with: I do now identify, and have always identified in some respect, as women. It is incredibly uncomfortable and stressful for me to suppress that, as I have throughout a good deal of my life. I am not comfortable being addressed by male pronouns or by my given name; I am not comfortable being read as male. I have gotten into therapy so that I would be able to work through this further, and also to set myself up for getting the letters that I expect will be necessary in the near future. As you have probably read by now, doctors require letters from a therapist attesting to a patient's condition and general stability, before they will talk about hormone therapy and possible surgery. Just to lay it out for you, I have spoken with my therapist about starting hormones by sometime soon, and I know that this is where you, as my parents, are concerned and upset. I understand that this must be difficult to come to terms with, and I cannot imagine being in your shoes. I'm just asking you try mine on for a little while and stick with me through as much of this as possible. All I am asking for is as much of your support as you can give. I am not doing this to upset you, and I wish that there were a way to protect you from this. I thought that I could keep on dodging it, working around it, and for awhile, I did. But, I felt as though I were leading a double-life, which is incredibly stressful and inevitably leads to feelings of shame and guilt. I knew that it was bound to resurface, but I just kept putting it off. I cannot even describe how exhilarating that can be, how right it feels, how much more comfortably I relate to those who respect those things. It is not a perfectly smooth process for people, but their efforts are all I ask for, and they have come a long way, for which I am thankful. I hope that, at least someday, you might also respect these things about me, as well. I need for you two to understand that it is more difficult and painful for me to ignore these issues, to work around it, to live without ever dealing with it all. It's overwhelming, but to me, it's also beautiful. This is who I am, and I feel good about it. It would be more of a strain for me not to transition. Yes, I am looking at a long road and difficult times ahead of me. I'm aware of that, but I can barely contain my excitement for finally having found and started down that road. Being honest with myself and with others about myself makes it that much more conquerable, that much more enjoyable. This is simply my lot in life, and knowing that has allowed me to breathe for the first time in so long, possibly ever. Everything seems to be coming together for me, and I am so much more in tune with myself that it overwhelms me much of the time. I assure you that I'm happy about this. You both know that I have been a wreck for the past few years. Not unhappy without exception, but certainly an ongoing storm, constantly in motion, constantly in battle, constantly on edge. I've settled into myself a lot through coming to terms with this, and it's my hope that this will actually allow the three of us to relate more comfortably and sincerely somewhere down the line. My biggest concern is losing people who are important to me, which is why I'm going to such lengths to include others in this process and to explain where it is coming from in the first place. You two are absolutely invaluable to me. I have other support networks in place, but that could never replace my need for you two, as well. I want you to see the positive effect that this can have on my life. I want for you to be able to look at me with something besides disgust or shame, and to see how much more genuine and present I have become by finally addressing my gender. I wish that I could keep on being "Daddy's Little Boy" . But even though those things may change, I am still me. I am still your child. I do not want to lose you, and I hope that you will be able -- and willing -- to stay in my life throughout this. I hope that you will exhibit some of the tolerance and open-mindedness that you imparted on each of us growing up in your house; I hope that you will not withhold yourselves from me or withdraw from me. I recognize your concerns that I will be shutting doors for myself by choosing this path, that I will be compromising opportunities in my career and life in general. But you have to understand that the world out there is much more accepting and accommodating than you seem to believe. I have encountered obstacles, but overall, I have been pleasantly surprised by the medical community, friends, family, and current or potential employers. This letter is difficult, because I cannot stand the prospect of you two being the ones who do not support me in this. I have spent so much of my life wrapped up in shame about my gender. Recently, however, I am learning how integral to my identity and approach to the world this truly is, and also how amazing it can be when divorced from that shame. People who know me or are learning about me tell me that I am brave and strong and beautiful in what I am taking on and how I am taking it on. I hope that you will someday come to see that, as well. This is the most complete and at-home with myself that I have ever felt. This is something that I need to go through now, so that I can get on with the rest of my life. This is just who I am, my process of coming into myself. I hope you get that from this letter. This will most likely be the first, rather than any ultimate, correspondence. I am ready to talk about this with you, but only once we can all come to the table with open minds. This is not something that you can talk me out of, so I hope that you will approach it more with the intention of reaching a better understanding of me, as well as with a common desire to re-connect. I have been busy with my end of this all, so I appreciate that you will probably need time to work through your end of things, too. Please take your time . In the meantime, just keep in mind that I love you both so much and would like for you to be a part of my life, including what I am facing now. All I'm asking for is your support and acceptance, not necessarily of the choices I make, but of me, your child. Love, Jessica
