Redneck Humor

You Know You're A Good Ol' Boy 
Computer Operator If:

Most of the e-mail you receive 
comes from people who want to 
borrow your truck.

You're right proud of that Jack 
Daniels mouse pad that you keep 
on your desk.

When your Mac is running a little 
slow, you try to fix it by
squirtin' it real good with 
some WD-40.

You can't understand why the spell 
checker on your word processing 
software doesn't recognize the words 
"col'beer", "hon", and "frog-strangler".

One thing that bothers you is how 
hardly anyone who sends out e-mail 
has a handle. You get the itch to start 
a message with the words, "Hey, good 
buddy, you got your ears on?"

You can't figure out why Microsoft 
doesn't have its own NASCAR team. I 
mean, if it's good enough for Cheerios, 
Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it 
ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, 
right? '

Instead of "bytes", you think of it 
as "horsepower".

You finally decided to buy a computer 
after the Gun and Knife Show went online.

You have been thrown out of several chat 
rooms for cussing and trying to start an 
online fistfight.

Your keyboard looks a little different 
than everyone else's.   Instead of an 
apple, your command button has an okra 
on it.

Congratufreakin'lations - you hold the 
world record for most number of hits - 
on the World Wrestling Federation web page.

The reason your printer is jammed is 
that you dropped your tobacco chew spit 
cup into the paper holder.

Most of the e-mail you send starts with 
"I'll tell you what," "This
ain't no bull," or "It's got to where 
you cain't..."

Some guy asked you about your floppy, 
so naturally you decked him.

You're pretty sure computers would work 
better if Briggs &   Stratton began 
marketing a model that cranks up with a 
pull rope.

You think that every child should be 
linked up to the Internet for
educational purposes. But you with there 
was more information about how to dynamite 
fish or build your own still.

Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, 
because you run around screaming it 
during football games and wrestling 
matches anyway.

The only reason you had your computer 
equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could 
listen to Merle Haggard.

You figure computer science will have 
peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of 
Old Milwaukee online without leaving 
your doublewide.  

Some Redneck Slang 

"Well knock me down 
and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt 
and call me a biscuit." 

"I'll slap you so hard, 
your clothes will be 
outta style." 

"This'll jar your 
preserves." 

"Cute as a sack full 
of puppies." 

"If things get any better, 
I may have to hire someone 
to help me enjoy it." 

"Gooder than grits." 

"It's so dry, the trees 
are bribing the dogs." 

"It's been hotter'n a 
goat's butt in a pepper 
patch." 

"Wintery roads are said 
to be "slicker than otter 
snot." 

"A bothersome person is 
"like a booger that you 
can't thump off." 

"When something is bad 
then you say, "that ain't 
no count."

"If something is hard to 
do, it's "like trying to 
herd cats." 

"A hectic schedule keeps 
you "Busier than a cat 
covering doo-doo on a 
marble floor." 

"She's uglier than 
homemade soap." 

"Your momma's so fat, 
when she got on the 
scales to be weighed, 
it said 'To be continued'." 

"He fell out of the ugly 
tree and hit every branch 
on the way down." 

"Uglier than a lard bucket 
full of armpits." 

"The wheels still turning, 
but the hamsters dead" 

"I'm just about as welcome 
at my inlaws as a hair in 
a biscuit." 

Maw, Paw, and the Outhouse

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, 
when she hears Paw in the kitchen.   
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out 
there and fix that there outhouse seat."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."  Paw 
walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, 
and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' 
wrong with this here outhouse seat!" 

Maw says,  "Yes, there is.   Put 
your head down in the hole." 

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in 
that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to 
if'n you're gonna fix the problem!" 

Paw puts his head down in the hole 
(just a little bit mind ya) and he 
hollers,  "Maw, there ain't nothin' 
wrong with this here outhouse seat!" 

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out 
of the hole." 

Paw goes to lift up his head and he 
says, "Oww! OWW!  Maw! MAW, my beard's 
stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says,  "Aggravatin', ain't it?"