I guess you wanna know a lil about

Well.... I'm an addict, I'm currently attending the outpaient
program at SBH on James st. I am doing very well there. My drug of choice
is opid*s. I always told myself growing up that I was never going
to use any drugs other than pot, Yeah that didn't happen. I am
ashamed of my drug use. I am ashamed of what I did during my drug
use. I was a really grimmie person. I lied cheated and stole.
I needed my drugs at any cost. During my drug use I was in an unhealthy
relationship with my baby's mother and with my own father. I would use
the money from my ex and give it to my father for drugs. I was also
addicted to anything that got me high...It would be eazier to tell you
the drugs I haven't used then what I have. I haven't done crack or meth,
and thats about it.
I have tried everything else.... Yes! I know its sad.
I am now clean and sober.
It feels so much better. I never thought I would ever feel this feeling of
freedom. I feel as though during my use I was locked up by the drugs...
Every thought I had every moved I made was for drugs. It had me trapped.
I never felt worthy or positive I never felt right, I was crawling in my
own skin. Now that I'm clean it feels amazing I can truly say I love myself.
I can feel secure with myself. I was so selfish in my use. I lost my baby's
mother over my addiction, even though our relationship wasn't a healthy one
I believe we could have worked it out. I waited to long to change and hurt her
too many times. I can't take back what I've done, and I am very sorry for the things
I've done to her... I dont think she understands. Anyways whats done is done.
I used to be controlling, manliputive, and lieing person. I've learned alot
about myself and why I was that way. I lied to get around the truth and convince
myself that what I was lieing about was actully the truth...while using the truth
hurt. I manlipuated anyone or anything to get what I could from these people, and
I was damn good at it. I was controlling because It gave me a false sense of pride.
All these things I am no longer. I have indentifed the problem and found why I did
the things I did, and changed them. I'am persuing becoming a drug counslor to help
other people with their addicitions. The person I am now? If you've known me before
throw everything out the window. I feel as if I'm a whole new person. I'm very
positive about life and myself. Thinking negitive and finding the negitive in everything
takes up way to much anger. I try now to find the good in myself and others. I do not let
anyone get me down if I deciced to have a good day well then I'm going to have a good day
and I will not let anyone take that from me. Alot of people say well "he made me mad"...
when really whatever "he" did did not make you mad you allow what "he" did make you mad.
I believe that me and only me can determine how I want to feel. It feels so good to just
wake up in the morning and be me. I don't wake up and feel like shit. I wake with energy
and ready to start the day. I love the feeling of life and don't think about well...
"this would be so much easier to just die". I don't wanna die anymore I love being me
and I love life! Mmmmm... So I enjoy being outside and doing outsidie kinds of things.
I enjoy going to twleve step meetings. Most the people in the rooms of NA and AA are just
the best people. When anything is going on in my life I go to a meeting and most everyone
is right there to give advice and help you to look and think of things in different ways.
Mmmm... So I play the bass guitar, I love the sound of it. I currently don't have one, but
will be getting a new one soon. Yeah I sold my last one. Another thing I'm ashamed of. I love
all kinds of music. I'm a very open minded person. I don't just listen to one type of music
I listen to it all. I have all kinds of style of clothes I wear, And if you look down on me
for it or have something to say about it go ahead cuz I'm not listening. I don't like
people that are so quick to judge, and I know they aren't God so who are they to judge
anyway. I actully love it when people look at me funny or say stupid shit to me cuz of
my many styles. I guess I like the attention and believe it or not but I love to be on there
mind its kind of flattering. I find closed minded and insecure people are the ones that are
the ones who judge. Well I could probably go on for ever about myself but I'll stop here.
If you wanna know more just ask I'm open minded and accept anyone for who there are.

Pictures Of NikkieJay

Find out the real me
Before now I didn't even know me
So much I've learned So much I'd Love to tell
Take it slow for I am FRAGILE and have my guard up... Can you take it down!!!!



NikkieJay's Tatoos

My tatoos mean alot to me.
The first on is an "A" for my daughters name Aaliyah,
The second one is an "A" for my sons name Amari,
The last two say "Sikki Nikki" backward on my knuckles
The bottom two are of my back it is a portrait of my son Amari



NikkieJay Goes Straight Edge


JUST SAY NO!

It feels so good to wake up in the morning.
I dont need a drug to get me going. Don't need a drug to keep me going.
I'm not obsessing about getting high, I'm sure not out slutting myself.
Sex is something so much more to me now, and am not obsessing it.
Just cuz she's a female don't mean I have to be having sex with her
to be a friend. I have only one more addiction to break, That is
smoking ciggerates the dirty lil bastards





ABOUT ADDICTION
If You Feel You Might Be An Addict This Is For You!

Addiction is a diease. It is chronic, progressive, and fatal.
Alot of people are in denial, they think they don't have a problem.
If you think that try and stop, you find out quickly
I'm an addict. An addict is a man or women whose life
is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing
and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails,
institutions and death. Our disease isolated us from people
except when we were getting, using and finding ways and means
to get more. Living skills were reduced to the animal level.
Our sprit was broken. We were constantly searching for the answer-
that person, place or thing that would make everthing all right.
We forgot how to feel. while using, we lived in a different world.
We had to reach our bottom, before we were willing to stop.
Our addition enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind
and were condemned by our own guilt. Addicition is treatable disease
We dont have to live like this.
The only altenatives to recovery are jails, institions, dereliction and
death.
How am I recovering...


Narcotics Anonymous

Who Is An Addict?
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question
WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs
in one form or another-the getting and using and finding
was and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live
Very simply, an addict is a man or women whose life is controlled
by drugs.We are people in the grip of a continuingand progressive
illness whose ends are always the same: jails,
institutions and death.



What Is NA?
NA is a nonprofit Fellowship or society of men or women for whom
drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who
meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program
of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only one requirement
for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep
an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles
written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most
important thing about them is THEY WORK.

Why Are We Here?
Before coming to the fellowship of NA, we could not manage our own lives.
We could not live and enjoy life as other people do. We had to do something
different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed the use ahead
of the welfare of our families, our wifes, husbands, and our children. We had
to have drugs at all costs. We did many people great harm, but most of all we
harmed ourselves. Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we
were actually creating our own problems. We seemed to be incapable of facing life
on its own terms.
Most of us realized that in our addiction we were slowly committing suicide, but
addiction is such a cunning enemy of life that we had lost the power to do anything
about it. Many of us ended up in jail, or sought help through medicine, religion and
psychiatry. None of these methods was suffcient for us. Our diease always resurfaced
or continued to progress until in desperation, we sought help from each other in
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS.
After coming to NA we realized we were SICK people. we suffered from a diease from
which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point, and
recovery is then possible

How It Works
If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the efforts to get it,
then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made
recovery possible.
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that out life as become
unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. We made a dicision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God AS WE
UNDERSTOOD HIM. 4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of
our wrongs
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all people we harmed, and made amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we wrong promptly admitted it
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM, praying only for his knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry
this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
This sounds like a big order, and we can't do it all at once. We didn't become addicted
in one day, so remember-EASY DOES IT.
There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this
is an attitude of indifference or tolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are
indispensable are HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS and WILLINGNESS.
With these we are well on our way.
We feel that our aproach to the diease of addiction is completely realistic for the
therapeutic value od one addict helping another is without parrallel. We feel that our way is
practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe the sooner
we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we
become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.
The only way to keep from returning to aditive addiction is not to take that first drug.
If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand is never enough. We put great
emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another,
we release our addiction all over again. Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great
many to relapse. Before we came to NA manys of us viewed alcohol separately, but we
cannot affored to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with
the disease of addiciton who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.

If you can relate to any of this than NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS can help you also.


Who Would I Like To Meet
 Well at the moment I'am taking time out for my self.
I'am getting my shit together to become a better
person. I do know that I can't stop love so
if someone was to come along and it happend
well than that would be that. I'm just not out
looking for it. I'am however looking for friends
and people that can support me in my recovery.
I dont have a set type of person that I look for
I put principles before personalities and personalites
before looks. I would rather know what your all about
rather that what you look like.
My type of girl.....
I've become more picky with this recently. Again
I'm not out looking but in order to form a relationship,
we would have to form a friendship. Being in or out of
recovery dosen't matter to me. I need a female to be self
supporting, Independent. I can't have a female that needs
to be told what to do or is dependent on a male, or needs
to have a male to make them feel better of themselves.
Confident is a must I hate when females think there fat
or think that there ugly uhhhh what a turn off. I would
never be with a female that just throws there self at me.
Really? Thats just no good. I would never rush into a relationship
If this female were in recovery she would have to be commited
and ready to change. I can't have a female that may use again.
I really have my guard up with this type of female. I need to
become your best friend before any type of relationship could form
I'am not out looking to just fuck thats not me anymore. I don't need
sex to be happy or whatever. I'am more into making love than just
fucking. I have to say that used to be me. I would just be out
looking to fuck. I'am really just taking time out to be myself and
find out who I really am, I do know that that is not me. Yes I know
that is a big change for me!....I am actully proud of myself for being
with out sex for as long as I have, and will countinue this away enless
I fall in love. I think it is important for me to love myself. If I don't
love myself how could I love another person. I have never looked at my
relationships like that. Do you really love your self and like who you are?
I can honestly say I'am becoming to love myself and who I'am. I don't think
I've ever loved me for me. With all these changes I'm making I feel as if I'm
becoming a better person. Ok so now physical turn ons...Which isn't really
a must but I'm going to put it out there. I like thick but not to thick females.
Emo, rocker type females, but lil thug or country females....love them too.
Females that stand up for themselves....I like humble but confident females.
Long or short hair dont matter...Color is open. Boobies don't matter either.
There is nothing I can do with big ones that I can't do with lil ones.
I'm more of a ass n thigh man. This is pretty hard for me just because
I'd rather just find out what type of person you are......Well really lets just
become friends and if the love is there
well I can't help that...


Music
The Used
Sixx A.M.
Lil Wayne
Incubus
Coheed and Cambria
Dead Rose
Tupac
Daddy Yankee
Deep Purple
Mindlessselfindulgences
DMX
Under The Gun
Tool
Biggie
Kittie
Story Of The Year
Fly Leaf
Jadakiss
Iron Maiden
Fat Joe
Shine Down
The Who
Young Jezzy
Jay-Z
Soulfly
Korn
Ludacris
System Of A Down
Papa Roach
T.I.
Marilyn Manson
Slipknot
Metallica
A Perfect Circle
Nine Inch Nails
The Rolling Stones
Nirvana
Seether
NWA
O-tep
Sevendust


Sixx AM - The Girl With Golden Eyes
 She speaks to me in Persian
Tells me that she loves me
The girl with golden eyes
And though I hardly know her
I let her in my veins
And trust her with my life
I wish I had never kissed her
'Cause I just can't resist her
The girl with golden eyes
Every time she whispers
'Take me in your arms
The way you did last night.'

Everything will be ok
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

I wake up every morning
Jonesing for her love
The girl with golden eyes
I won't have to wait long
'Til she buries me with roses
'Cause she's always by my side

Everything will be ok
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

Day one. Dope free. I went to the
clinic today and got the first
dose of methadone. I'm out of dope
so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been
two days without junk. Fucking smack,
it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then
then you wake up next to a monster
Day three. I haven't had anything for
three days now. this withdrawl is killing me
It's like shock therapy to my guts
Day four, Last visit to the clinic. My whole
body feels like it's cracking into pieces
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing
how I feel Day five I'm sick as a dog but this
handful of painkillers and a lotta whiskey's
gonna get me through Day six when I'm left to
my own devices I go fucking Insain I'll never
use Heroin again Day seven I can't believe I'm
clean! Day eight Everyone says I look better
Day Nine The parasites are panicking
Day ten they seem amazed that I'm alive!


Everything will be ok
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

Everything will be ok
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.



Poems

 To Her #1
I've never loved someone so much
And it so hard to say good-bye
We've had a love hate relationship
I hated what you've done to me
You fucked me soo good
I was in heaven
Then you took me through hell
I loved the way you made me feel
Then you made me sick
I thought you made everything better
you fuckin make it worse
I'm so happy to say its over
This roller coaster life you put me on
You fucked me soo good
It wasnt everything
I'm now everything
You made me everyone I said I wasn't
Now I pay the price
you took everything away
I loved the way you fucked me
I'll never touch you again
I want you outta my life
you turn everything to shit
still you want me to take another hit
Never again will I fill a rig
Never again will I do herion
So many people we fooled
It was like I cheated on everyone with you
Such a big secret
Now the cats outta the bag
the light now shines
It just me and I
Im so clear headed
I saw where we were headin
Now go away
No longer will you ease the pain
I take this shit day to day
I'll make sure that I'll stay
I'm in the right frame of mind
ooooo but you were always mine
you were there when everyone wans't
Not even me
But I gotta let you know
Im letting you go


To Her #2
I know I always put her first
I know that must of hurt
I never ment to be that way
I wish you could have stayed
If only there was another chance
Im not the same
I know you can't believe a word I say
I fucked up I fucked up bad
Damn I made you so sad
I never ment to say what I said
Nights where I just passed out in bed
I left you all alone
I was never there
It must of seemed like I didnt care
I really did I couldn't get it outta my head
I left you all alone
My heart it turned to stone
I'm greatful for what I've learned
Never again will this hurt a girl
Too bad it was to late
Maybe you would have stayed
Its my fault your not to blame
I understand where your coming from
I can't be mad
I did what I did n said what I said
I hope one day you can find peace
find serenity
and understand I was Sick
I never ment to be such a dick
I love you and respect you
I understand what I did to you
Please forgive me
for what I put you through
Im sorry and love you no matter what you do!


Feelin Free
Open your eyes,
Oh I'm seeing alot more clearly,
Im all you want and more,
Still it's so cloudy
Foggy through the fade,
And now I'm gone,
Theres no turning back.
I've finally made it,
I'm on my feet,
It feels better than ever,
Never thought I feel this way,
Today is the day,
Today is my day,
I feel so much better now,
So much stronger now,
I won't fall,
So much more alive!
I know you've tried,
Even though
You to a peice of my heart
I've regained my soul.
Something never again will
I let go,
Last time, I gave it away.
Imma keep it close
I gotta do what I gotta do,
I love my self
I hope you,
Can love
you too.
Writings from Detox and Rehab

Day 1 P.M.
First day not to bad. Started off bad. I have cramps.It feels like my guts are ripping
out of my body.I was freezing but still the sweat pours. I still don't know how I got here.
I'm searching for the answer. I'm confident that I know where I'm going. Sobrity is the only
way to get "Nikki" back. I'm sick of being "Sikki". He's what I've become. Sikki is dirty
he lies cheats and steals from Nikki. He's took my pride and total control of my head
I hope this will help get Nikki back. I miss me the real me who ever that is. I want to be
happy. I wanna feel like I belong in my body. This dope is a joke! Dope has created Sikki.
This may be my first day but I feel motivated and encourged to get Nikki back and I will
One day at a time.... Note to self Sikki is a monster stay away from him!!!! Its time its time
to be again/

Day 2 A.M.
I woke up what a horrable feeling, my stomach is still twisting and my hands are shaky. I have
to stay clean giving up is not an option. Leaving is not an option. My only option is to get
rid of all my demons. The nurse gave me something to feel better and I just now stopped
shaking. I know Nikki is in there somewhere and is battling Sikki. I will over come Sikki
the sick twisted Nikki.

Thought
I will not quit
I will not give up
I can do this
I have to do this
I can't do it alone
I do have help
I will utilze the help
I know I am done
I am done
All these thing start with I
I WILL

Craving
Take this from me.
Take away my sickness
My addictions really
got ahold of me
I need to break free
I AM NIKKI
NOT SIKKI

2nd Day Miday
Craving
I hear him its quiet like
a whisper he's deciving, lieing
to me he's telling me to go home.
he's telling me I need to get high.
Sikki is strong but Nikki is stronger.
Nikki is determend and motivated.
I have to find a way to win this war.
I've been losing battles with Sikki
for far too long. Make no mistake
Nikki will come out on top.

2nd day
After dinner
 Starting to feel a lil like Nikki.
I feel refreshed like bricks lifted off my shoulders
I'm determend excited and motivated. Nikki can do this, I can do this. I feel normal,
no erieness in my stomach. No need for substances. I need some love, I can't wait to
get back to my family. I know I got to get better. I've realized that I'm sick. Addiction
is no joke. It is nothing to fuck with. I will not I mean I WILL NOT touch drugs again.
Instead I will find happiness and a "high" from inside myself, not from an outside source
I AM NIKKI NOT SIKKI

Smile Smile all is going to me ok
I've started a new day
The sky is still blue
Im still me
And you are you
Don't be afraid
you'll make it through
Let me know if you need aid
I'm here to help
If nothing else support me
And I'll support you
and together we'll make it through

Day 2 good night
God please show him his way forgive him and give him guidance.
Today wasn't bad. Had a rough morning. I chewed more nicotine
gum that I wanted to. When I wake up I'm not goin to put on a patch
I will start montering my gum use. I might as well quit that dirty
habit, also tomorrow should be a good day. Lets see how I feel in
the morning. Goodnight Sikki forever!

Day 3
Good morning I woke up feeling good! Me waking up feelin good?
I didn't even do any drugs and I feel good. Im a lil shaky
just my fingers and hands. I'm in a god mood I'm not wearing
a patch today. I'm only gonna chew some gum and I hope not too
much. I'm looking foward to having a good day, things are looking
positive. I wanna keep it that way. I think this the first time I'm
one up on sikki. That lil fucker, Nikki is back bitches


4/30 11:00
Being an addict sux. In my recovery I am motivated. I feel sometimes
ready, then sometimes I feel the urge to get high. This is just a
tatic for Sikki. He is a lier a deciver. He's fake and he's weak. Sikki
would give up where Nikki would not. I'm going to get the help. I need
to follow through. I will get Sikki out of me forever.
P.s. Sikki lies

4/30 Lunch 12:26
NOTE TO SELF
GET CLEAN
IF YOU WANT
A GOOD MEAL

4/30 Day 3 After Lunch
This addiction shit is no joke, I dont get it. I don't understand it. I
don't like it. I wish I never got like this, but some how I did. So now
I got to do what I got to do to get out of it. I'm too tire to get high
anymore. When I did get high I didn't even enjoy it. It became a burden.
It was a waste of time that I could have put toward positive things. It was
a waste of money. I could have bought so many other things. I can think of
multiple reason not to get high. I now don't even have one reason I would
wanna use, Im tired of drugs using me.


5/1 day 4
Woke up a few times last night. Woke up on my own this morning. Im feeling
good and real confident. I now I am making progress here I can feel my head
clearing up. My eyes getting brighter. Im seeing shit so much differently
I feel new and refreashed, but I'm going to be humble. When I get out I'm not
going to go out running, but walk taking it slow one step at a time. I also
believe I'm making progress in my nicotine intake we will see what today brings
I will continue to work on it and cut down!
NIKKI

5/1 Day 4
Got word I'm outta here the 5th, but still am not going to go out running.
I have to take it slow. Take it one day at a time. I haven't been craving
for drugs. I'm in a stable frame of mind. I know I can stay clean. I've wanted
this for so long. I'm not going to just throw my sobrity away. I love myself
now than ever. I will not forget where I've come from. I won't look back but
keep head straight and continue to stay away from Sikki and get closer to NIKKI


5/2 Day 5
Not to much to say. I'm feeling good. No urges, Im cutting my nicotine intake
in half. Im excited to see my mom, dad, my Kisser, and baby today. I'm sure
all will go well. I didn't get much sleep last night. I'm going to talk to
the doctor about it when he comes in. I hope the doctor helps Mike out I
know the feeling. I don't know if he will make it and stay if they don't
medicate him!

5/2 Day 5
Somethings in tonights meeting hit home and and made me think. It also encourged
me. My man tim talked about his son and how he had to tell him about his diease.
Now that his son is older he understands. That helps me out alot cuz I have to
tell my daughter when she gets older about myself. I dont want her to grow up
and see people using and think its cool to do. I want her to know the truth!. N.A.
meeting really encourage me to stay clean. I'm going to stay in N.A. so I can learn
more from people.

5/2 Day 5 Thoughts
I miss my girl... I can't wait to get home to her. I want to hold her in my arms
to kiss her to feel her again. I realize how much she does for me. I really took
her for granted. I don't think I've givin her enough credit. When I get home things
will be so much better. I will be able to compliment her. We will be able to work
together instead of one supporting another. I hope she is ok. I hope she accepts me
all she's even known is Sikki. She doen't know Nikki. I'm really not sure what she saw
in him. I do know if she loved me when I was Sikki she will fall heels over head for
Nikki. I miss her so much I can wait to be back home with her!

"Getting Clean"
Dark pin strip of light through the door/Im cuddle in the corner on the floor/A flick of
light a cloud of smoke as I hit the dope/rush of feelings through my body/over and over/
I feel good/I'm all alone/I know someones there/I look left/nothing/I look right/nothing/
I look up/nothing/I look down/theres my pipe/we start to fight/should I/I give in/I take a
hit/now I'm in deeper shit/now its time to get clean from all these thing I don't need/
the war is on/I've lost so many battles/I'm bound to win/right now I'm on top/I can't give
up/I won't stop/Sikki is in the past/I feeling like Nikki again fast.

4/30 Day 3 thoughts 4:20 pm
Focus stay on track worry about me take your mind off everything else
cuzz with out me all those problems are still gonna be there and I
need to be well to take care of them I can't take care of them I can't
of nothing else if I can't take care of myself. I know once I'm clean
I will be able to make more positive thought out rightous choices my
head is becoming alot more clearer I'm feeling happier and comfy in my
skin I'm not crawling in it im not itchy and shakey theres no pain no
cramping other than this constaption. Sikki is getting weak and Nikki
is getting stronger.

This is my first time in detox I was supposed to go to outpaient after
this it did not happen I got out and I went out running I got off suboxone
two bad mistakes I went back to the same house I was before. I relapsed.
I made a few mistakes the first one was letting an addict come stay with
This relapse was kinda dumb both of who I thought were my biggest supporter
where right there helping me fall when they were supposed to catch me
they let me slip im not blaming them but I was still weak I was withdrawling
from my suboxone. Me and this addict I had staying there talked each other
into using then when we brought the idea to my ex she was all about it
she was supposed to pick me up if I fell then we took the idea to my father
now the whole time I was in detox he said he wasn't going to give me any
drugs well when we brought the idea to him he was right there givin them up
We used all weekend. I ended up using again then after 20 some odd days of
being clean my ex's back was hurting her and I just happend to run into
someone with hydros' so I bought 10 of them from her.... I gave 2 to my ex
not telling her about the others. I took 4 one night...then the next night
I took 4 of them and 5-7 valiums I got them from my dr. I didnt tell him I
was an addict everyone thought I was stong enough to have them on me....man
did I fool them I ate like candy...well back to the night I took the pills
my ex knew about them I blacked out the only thing I remember was taking the
pills in the car because we went out looking for more hydros. the other
thing I remember is my mom helping me to the couch thats it. I went through
the next few days looking for more my ex gave me the choice it was her or drugs
for that day cuzz I was still under the influence and my addiction was released
all over again I got pissed and choosed drugs.... That was a mistake well
for the next few days I was on my own with everyone pissed at me...My brother
talked me into going and getting help again...I did...here are a lil bit from
My last detox and rehab....

Untitled Poem
Sleep shut down my mind
all it does is think
It races and thinks
stupid things
things that make me mad
things that make me cry
things that make me ask why
things about my past
things in my future
things that make no sense
things that are wise
the shit that is my demise
things that I don't care about
things that I do.
just things but
nothing to make it stop

Poem
I've pushed past the breaking point
past no turning back, thou, u said
u'd never turn your back,
I understand time and time again
you've given me yout hand
but mine couldn't extend,
I've tried I was trapped
I was sick o so sick
it made you sick
thou you've helped me down this road
this road to hell
I was the bike you where the gas
you became the fork in the road
go left or go right
but I wasn't turning
flying towards the tree not stopping
I begain to coast,
I hit the tree
became a wreck,
and you ended up being the ghost

Feelings
I can't believe I lost my wife I put so much effort into her and 1st
chance she gets she goes back to her old ways it seems all females when
hurt they go out looking for love anywhere even it it degrades them and
make them look bad its all to sad, thou I dont blame her for walking out
and turning away but my wife is better than that to loose all respect for
herself my wife is beautiful and dont need a man to make her feel better
I guess I really hurt her bad and drove her to do this I can't believe this
it was never my intention to hurt her on purpose outta anger I relized my
mistakes and my wrongs I compleatly understand why she felt the way that she
felt I don't blame her and damn sure can't be mad I would have left me too
so now its time to show her what I've been telling her its time for both of
us to do some growing up and alot of work to get back to get where we were

Ten minutes of disgust
for a well deserved RUSH

Thoughts
Shame-in my seld for slipping up
Guilt-for causing pain n turmoil in my family
Anger-at my father and myself
Pain-in my heart for letting down family
Lonley-inside from being apart form family
Worthlessness-for not being there for my daughter
Crazy-my head won't stop thinking
Tired-not sleeping at night
Less than-for hurting my wife
Hurt-wifes wrong doing
I can't point and fingers at anyone
I can't blame no one I cant be mad
at anyone unless Im pointing my
finger at myslef unless I blame
myslef I only have myself to be
mad at!

Untitled
I miss my life my wife my daughter most of all I miss myself I enjoy
waking up clean I wish I could get my sleeping together so I wasn't
so tired all the time. I get 4hrs of sleep at the most. I still wake
up feeling good and energized after my shower than as morning goes
on that wears off. My sleepless night catches up. I've been in this
cycle as long as I can remember I take sleep aids there not enough
They make my body tired but not my mind nothing shuts down my head
I havent found a mute button I hope a doctor can find whats wrong
only getting one day of sleep out of 5 isn't working 2-4 hrs of sleep
a night isnt working theres got to be something I can take anything
at night I wish someone would just knock me out I'm sick of what my
heads got to say sometimes I just don't understand this

To My Wife
Baby I hurt you way to many times I've told you I was sorry just as
many and even though I told you I was sorry I continued to hurt you
so I'm done telling you sorry because this time I mean it so when I
tell you I'm sorry I know it don't mean anything to you cuz you heard
it so many times Im done I give up and give in im tired of hurting you
and everyone else I'm tired of hurting myself and I'm going to do right
by you losing you this time around really got me thinking cuz I felt that
you were the only person I had left to loose I really hit bottom I love
you so much and would be greatful for another chance A chance I feel might
be gone and I never have If I could just go back I would but these are
things I've got to live with and things I wish you never had to go through
it showed me how true and real my love is for you. looking back when our
love was growing I knew we could make it through anything but still I
know theres only so much you can take from me and I know your at your
limit so I dont wanna hurt you anymore cuz I don't think you would be able
to handle it I love you too much to let you go and watch you walk out on me
though I can't blame you I don't know if I would give me another chance
I love you and miss you Im done hurting you and don't wanna loose you Im
all done baby

Poem
The love for a dirty vain
she took everything away
Oh how I tried
Tried to stay away
I kept going back
Forgetting what I had to loose
I just had to use
Our love started out fun and games
Somewhere she switched
she became a bitch
made me sick
now were doing our thing
just to keep the sickness away
This shit is no game
I'm not even joking
she's got me choking
Puking from both ends
Somewhere this shits gotta end
I don't even wanna be friends
get outta my life forever
give me everything back
my family my friends
I dont want the other
The other way this could end
ending up on my death bed

Thoughts
Shame hurt pain just a few things going around my brain one more time
I messed up let everyone down and I'm to blame not that I'm surpized
I'm the one always giving in to my demise hurting myself putting myslef
through hell though I did it again I told you I would not could not boy
qas I wrong I lied to you and stole seems like I sold my soul ready to
give up and so where you it seems I'm not ready, ready to let you go so
this time I'll show you I'm stronger that All I really want is my life
back myself and my family I need to take control so thats what I'll do
get it all back first me than you!

Thoughts
I miss you baby and all I want is to come home
but I know thats outta the question
This is what I have to do for
me and you I know I have to get
myself back if I want you I'm not
ready to turn my back I've got
so much more to do and a
whole lot to loose I can't just
let that go I guess I'm just home
sick though its alot better than dope
sick I don't wanna rush this
take my time on day at a time
so I can get mine I'll make
my way back to you this time its true
My familys' ont thing I can not
loose I love you guys too much
I realize its all I got to loose
and if I were to I wouldn't be able
to live with myself knowin what I'd
put you through I think you've had
enough so I'll keep fighting I know
its gonna be hard I want you to know
I love you I really REALLY DO!

Thoughts of her
I think I've pushed her to far to many times
She's giving up it hurts oh
how it hurts I can't believe I
did this to her I'm quite sure
she don't understand my diease I hope
we can get some help and
hopfully work this all out I can't
believe what she said about our relationship
if it was the other way around I'd be there
for her as long as she cont. to get help
maybe cuzz I know what its like
I know I brought this on my own
but she told me we'd be together
I feel as though she just playin with me
I hope we can work this out
I dunno what I'd do with out her
either way I'm staying clean
I just hope it's not to late
I wish I could just see her
and be sure everything was going
to be ok but for now I
sit here and cry and have it
running through my mind all
day n all night and its hard to
focus on myslef because
all I want is her, Baby please dont leave
I beg I pled I'm down on my knees
asking for just one thing, I wanna
go back to the way we used to be
dont' give up on me
I haven't I can do this
you'll see just stay BABY
I'll prove it to you
but if you gotta go I guess
I'll have to get over it and
move on once your gone
I never wanted it to be this way

Sooooo.... This is the end of that notebook...
I had no Idea what was gonna happen with my ex
she went back and forth to if she was gonna stay
I felt as if I was getting pulled to my left
then to my right
I had no clue what I was gonna do
then it became known She was Leaving
she was gone
My writing went on

Letters to Self

7/9 4:28
 Nikki,
I dont know how I'm going to get through this one
without using this is one big test. Not to mention
I'm going home soon. I have never felt the feelings
I'm feeling. I've alway been high thru things like
this. Now that's not an option, So what do I do now.
I wanna just get high and make it go away its so ez
a lil heiron in my vain and she'd be gone make it all
go away. I'm not able to do this. I just can't get her
outta my head. I should be dealing with myself, Im seeming
not to care. I'm about to say fuck her and move on thats
prolly whats shes wants I'll just go back to doing me
-Sikki-

7/10 3:25
Nikki,
Your a fuck up you can do
shit I hope you die alone
n go to hell to be tortured
for enternity speakin of
enternity is that how long
your relationship was supposed
to be? You really fucked up
no wonder she dont want you
No girl wants a broke ugly
addict that has nothing but
two bags of clothes, No job
prolly wont be able to get one
you have nothing but an potential
relapse you fucked yout life up
good this time and know theres
nothing you can do this time
Zikki

7/11 1:24
Nikki,
You really fucked this shit
up your such an idiot you
had everything a good girl
an apartment a daughter food
anything you need and
you fucked up she dont
want you she wants some-
one that can do something
what can you do? smoke
weed? stick yourself with
a needle? snort pills?
why would she want such a
loser like you anyways. get
yourself up stop acting like
a pussy theres more girls out
there, fuck up one of their lifes
Zikki

7/12 3:14
DEAR NIKKI,
I REALLY DO
HATE
YOU FOR
WHAT YOU
DID!

After all this I still made it and are doing ok
My wife left me I'm just working on myself
a female is the last thing on my mind right now
I still hurt cuz she is gone but I've let go
I know I have to focus as much as I can on just
being clean so thats what I'm doing
Thanks for taking a look in to my life in active
Addiction... If your and addict maybe something I said
can help you to get help it is out there
all you need to do is ask for it!!!!
let me be a fine example as it does happen
and it does work!!!!!

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