Mood:  not sure

Alright so now i'm very new at this whole bloging thing.

i guess im supposed to tell you about today or anything thats going in my mind.

Today was a typical day, my stupid self did no get up for school. i dont know why i do it but in th morning i argue with myself about getting up or not, usually the side that doesnt wanna get up wins. i cant keep doing this, it's my senior year and i cant afford to mess up. i'm surprised i even got as far as i did. well since i did'nt get up for school i slept until 2 in the afternoon, and yepp i was up late but thats becuase i slept all day yesterday as well but went to school but had not sleep the nite before. why am i not sleeping at nite? a boy, that's right the reason i'm not sleeping at night is becuase of a boy. emanuel to be exact, we talk everynite but the last two he did'nt even though he said he would. i don't even know what i'm doing with this boy, were not going out and were not boyfriend and girlfriend. we plan on hooking up though, i've talked to him about his intentions but he just wants to be friends. it bothers me that were not together but were gunna hookup but agian i want to even though it bothers me, how wierd rite? but maybe things will get more clearer as we get threw this cause you know never how things play out rite?lol. so lets talk about nic, my god, i am completely in love with that boy but you guessed it he has a girlfriend. he was my first boyfriend when i was 15 and i screwed it up by breaking up with him. why you ask? well i was afraid yep afraid, i am so in love with that boy that it scared me and i was not ready for that. well now that i am he's in love with some other girl that now supposedly the one of his dreams. i used to be the one of his dreams. one nite it was like 1 in the morning and he called me crying to tell me that i was trully and completely the girl he has always seen in his dreams, i mean he was literally crying, forget that he was balling. but now when he told me that about the other girl it makes me think was that just a lie? or is he still trying to get over me. i mean were best friends and we talk here and there but not like we used to. he called me today and yesterday and the day before that but i did'nt want to anwser. wanna know why? he cheated on his girlfriend with me. yep i am a horrible person i know. but when i had him and he succomed to me so easily i couldnt help but feel loved and adored like when we were together and i lost myself; that doesnt make it right but everyone mess's up right? i mean im not a boyfriend stealer, well techniquely he was mine first but i dont want a girl to get hurt cause im selfish. i mean i kno him and her arn't gunna be forever cause he plans on marrying me when we get older. he even had the balls to propose to me when i was 16 and we had been going out for awhile. i dont know im just so wound up in what i should do with him and im kind of scared im gunna lose the love of my life along the way to another girl because i was stupid and selfish when i was just so young and retarted.

but then yep you guessed it there's another boy i think im in love with and we are i believe completely made for each other. jesse, jesse, jesse, he is the misunderstood scary boy no one likes but does'nt mess with, that i became friends with i think it was the second high school i went to. seriously everyone is afriad of him because he speaks what really is on his mind. no one understands him like i do. and no one understands me like he does. we have the same problems with everything and the same messed up crazy idea's on our heads.  i could say one word to describe how im feeling and then he can take it from there and tell me everything im experiencing with me only saying one word, scary, wierd, awesome, huh? take the other nite for example he had im'ed to ask how i was doing becuase a couple nites before i had im'ed him upset cause i had gotten stood up, so the other nite he was telling me that you know i deserve so much better and what not and so were just talking about that but out of no where i got this wierd notion in my head to ask him if something was bothering him, and remember this i had been feeling wierd lately as well like i had been walking around in a haze, so immediatly he says no but i knew better and like he knew what i was thinking he was like well maybe yeah there is and he started saying he really didnt know what was wrong with him he just felt like he was living on another planet so i started listing on about how i felt and he's going yeah yeah yeah exactly, it was wild because then he started coming up with ways to describe it that i couldnt! seriously i think all of this is happening is because were not together but were ment to be. but he really is a good friend to me and i dont wanna mess that up with suggesting on haveing a realtionship. so i have no idea what to do about that? 

then i have another damn thing on my mind. biancas party. me of all people was left to arrange to so something for her party. now what does everyone want me to arrange, a hotel party. first off you need to 21 to rent a room and second i have no money what so ever for this weekend. this girl melanie whos loaded though said she would pay for the room but that still doesnt help cause im not 21 yet! so i technicuelly cannot rent the room. but then theres the problem if we do get someone older to rent the room for us how the hell do we get every one of her friends up into the room without raising suspicion that were having a party. cause if we were to tell the people we were gunna have a party up in the room they would charge extra and trust me we do not have extra on the budget for the party. i tihnk after renting a normal room well have like 40 dollars left. so everyone is counting on me to make arrangements on what were supposed to do so im completely stuck with that one. and even if we get all of this done and over with i dont want to go to the party, i hate all of my cousins friends they annoy the crap out of me, and i told this to bianca and she was like then i dont want any of it if your not gunna be there so that would mess up all hard work i've been doing for this party. so i was thinking maybe i could get my parents to let us have her party here and let all her little friends stay over for the nite but i doubt theyd go for that cause most of her friends are yep;guys. soi have no idea how im supposed to do all of this alone in the matter of hmm 2 days!

Well thats all that's on my mind at the moment but if i think of anything else i will be sure to come back and write it down =] ta ta for now.

Nicole.