Sundown’s detritus

 

Starscream stared out of a porthole at the gloom, black rollers crashing down miles overhead with the crushing weight of the Pacific Ocean bearing down on him. He watched the slow, patient seabed killers slink and drift, swaying hypnotically with the currents of the waves, then turn in a second to darting assassins, rip and maul, blindly tearing apart unwary prey and pulling them to pieces in the blinding, suffocating gloom.

Starscream knew how they felt - the pull of the ocean, the force of the waves crashing down on him - the constant ache in his soul like a black hole in his spark was tearing him to pieces.

 

Hold up 

Hold up...

 

The seeker couldn’t escape it, couldn’t run away from it - even throwing himself into the sky and soaring frantically as high and as far and as fast as he could go he couldn’t get away. He was constantly being pulled to Earth, irresistible and inescapable as a hook in his metal flesh, infected and bleeding fuel - a barb he had set and couldn’t tear away, not without ripping himself to shreds.

          The irony was killing him.

 

Hold on

Hold on...

 

Oh no you don’t. You’re lying again, just like you’ve lied for years, sneered  a voice in his mind. Irony never did anything for or against you, you stupid seeker. It’s everything else you block out that hurts, isn’t it? Starscream turned away from the porthole and tried to ignore it - ignore the voice like he’d ignored everything else he didn’t want to face up to.

          The hardest part was ignoring the fact that the voice was his own.

“Shut up.” he grated, turning to stomp down the deserted hallways to his quarters. “It’s in the past - it means nothing.”

 

Don’t be scared

Be scared...

 

Nothing? The voice demanded. It used to mean everything! It still does - you just won’t face up to it!

          “There is nothing to face up to!” the seeker snarled, jabbing at the keypad and prowling into his quarters as the door hissed open. “There’s nothing left - it all died when he betrayed me!”

          He betrayed you? Let’s just remind ourself who shot who first, shall we?

          “Shooting has nothing to do with it!” Starscream shrieked. “He left me! He abandoned me!”

          Ah...but you abandoned him first, didn’t you?

          “No!”

 

Cos everything has been and gone.

 

          Oh yes you did. You left him behind so you could save your sorry aft, and the sooner you admit it the better!

          “NO!”

Starscream whirled, hurling himself out of his quarters and throwing himself down the corridors to the hangar. He shot past a startled Thundercracker and nearly fell over Frenzy, who picked himself up to yell insults as Skywarp laughed and Starscream dove into the tower. He paced impatiently while it rose ponderously through the churning sea, trying desperately to silence the voice in his head that whispered of betrayal, abandonment, loss - Starscream threw himself off the tower and hurtled into the sky, screaming at the top of his voice as he punched through thick stormclouds and raced into the clear, bright sky above - only to remember laughing with Skyfire on the way to a new planet. He banked and plunged through the clouds again, slicing through to skim above the wavetips as the rain battered down.

         

May your smile

Oh, your smile...

 

I remember smiling.

I remember your smile.

Why did you leave?

Why did you betray me?

          Starscream felt like his fuel pump would shatter, his spark splitting between his pride, his defences - and what he knew was the truth. He halted in midair, unable to run any further, unable to get away from himself - the rain poured from his plating in rivers, and a human watcher would think he was crying.

How could I leave you?

 

Shine on

Shine on...

 

I left... I left you before, and I wanted you back so much - I felt so guilty, all the time, and I never thought...I didn’t think that you didn’t know about the War. It always felt like you knew everything - if I was alone or afraid you were always there. You always knew what to do, what to say...I was useless at that. I always have been..

 

Don’t be scared

Always scared...

 

A single low, choked whisper limped from between his lips as the rain carried his words away.

          “I’m sorry.”

Your destiny may keep you warm

 

You were mine, my life, my only  - and I pushed you away. You always were mine - ever since we first met, you said - and I never minded being ‘yours’. You never tried to own me, or hurt me... A bitter sneer twisted jet-black lips. Unlike some. You never tried to tie me down - you held my hand as you showed me the stars.

And all of the stars
 

You helped me to fly, and I shot you down.

         

Are fading away...

 

The rain-blurred form shivered with the cold, lost in the storm as he tried to come to terms with what he only now realised he’d done, the reaction hitting him with all the strength of a black hole.

And there’s no way on earth I can ever tell you how sorry I am.

The cruel, vicious seeker hung in the air and let out the long, low moan of agony of a wounded animal as he recognised the ache that had been haunting him.

Guilt.  

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Starscream sat in his quarters, flopped on his recharge bunk and staring blankly at his hands. There was nothing he could do, no way he could make it up to Skyfire even if his companion - the seeker winced. Even if his companion wanted to talk to him. And Starscream knew better than anyone that Skyfire had precious few reasons to want to.

 

Just try not to worry

 

This hopeless knowing was almost as painful as losing him the first time. Starscream leant back on his elbows and let out a groan, optics gazing despairingly through the ceiling.

This wasn’t supposed to happen! He was being eaten alive while Skyfire was only a few hundred miles away, and he couldn’t face him.

You’ll see them some day

 

And that was the whole truth. Starscream couldn’t face him again. It had been months since he’d last seen Skyfire last...and the last time he’d shot the scientist - Starscream briefly shut off his optics - Again.

 

Take what you need, and be on your way

I may as well face it. After the way I’ve treated Skyfire he’ll never want to see me again, let alone talk to me. I’ve ruined everything, all because I wouldn’t stop to think or listen to him I never got the chance to explain....

 

And stop crying your heart out.

 

 A fresh wave of pain rose up to greet him, and Starscream fell down face forward on his berth as he shook like a leaf in the wind.

Get up...

 

The seeker suddenly sat up, a hopeless, determined look on his face like a prisoner being led to the scaffold.

 

...Get up...

 

No. I won’t leave it like this. I can’t...

 

Come on...

 

 His hand moved to the comlink in his gauntlet, then a wave of indecision and sheer, mindless terror swamped him.

 

...Come on...

 

I can’t! I can’t do it - he hates me! He must hate me...I can’t do this!

 

Why’re you scared?

 

His hand shook. What in Primus’ name can I say?...

 

I’m not scared...

 

His hand hovered...and connected. Starscream left a message - and some co-ordinates. His internals surged - part in the relief of making a decision, part in fresh blind panic.

All right, genius, now what? A silent voice sneered.

          Starscream held himself still with an effort. Too much happening all at once, too many conflicting thoughts and fears and all too soon - if Skyfire did come for whatever reason, the seeker would be struck dumb and babbling in a corner somewhere long before he arrived.

          Starscream got up, and paused in the doorway.

Now, he thought carefully and deliberately to the voice in his head, I go and expect the worst. That way I won’t be disappointed. And I try to tell him  that I’m sorry.

 

You’ll never change what’s been and gone

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Starscream paced on the fringes of the clearing, constantly sending sharp carmine glances up at the sky as if to spite the sensors that told him Skyfire was nowhere near.

He’s not coming.

He scowled absently as he smacked a wing on a passing tree, only noticing the jolt that knocked him back into the shadows and into the treeline.

I knew it - he’s not coming. And why should he? It’s not like he’ll be expecting me to roll out the red carpet for him - if anything he’d probably think it was a trap.

He finally worked his wings out from the clinging trees and was about to step back out into the clearing - when the distant hum of a jet engine came singing through the night. Starscream’s fuel pump skipped a beat and he froze to the spot like some absurd statue, gaping upwards and unable to move or look away.

Skyfire transformed as he approached the clearing, oblivious to the anxious, hungry scarlet optics that watched his every move. The huge white jet landed softly on the grass and glanced around, blue optics glowing softly in the dark before he turned and stood with his back to the seeker.

Probably surprised I chose a wood to meet in, Starscream thought absently, watching the moonlight play off Skyfire’s armour as he stood waiting patiently. I used to complain about getting caught in the trees when he could just push straight through...

He winced at the memory and tried to summon up the courage to move, say something, throw his arms round Skyfire and have a nervous breakdown - anything! But all he could do was stand there, watching. He shifted his weight, trying to be quiet enough for Skyfire not to hear him, but the jet picked up the tiny, tentative step and immediately turned so they were face-to-face across the clearing.

Starscream froze. Now they were here, now it came down to it...he could think of absolutely nothing to say. His mind a blank, spinning desperately for something, anything, to break the awful, yawning, unnatural silence between them, he blurted out the first, most inane thing that flashed into his head.

“Hello, Skyfire” Starscream said in the silence.

 

 

Now all of the scars
Are fading away
So you’re not to worry
At the end of the day
Take what you need
I’ll be here all the  way
So stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out...

 

 

 

 

‘Stop crying your heart out’ is © Oasis, or whoever wrote it in/for the band. Starscream and Skyfire are © Hasbro, depending on what country you live in ( At least I think it’s different- might be interesting to find that out. ‘Who Else Owns The Transformers?’ Sounds like a TV show. That idea’s © me! I bugsie’d it first!)  Ahem. The story’s © me too.