Super-Time

            Just as Captain Ultra-Lord was preparing to deliver the final punch to his arch villain, Dr. Sybaris, and end his diabolic plans to take over the universe, everything went white.

            It wasn’t just the average type of white space, with borders and gutters, but a complete, overwhelming whiteness that stretched everywhere and had no end. In the distance coming closer, were two men. They were roughly in their mid 20's, wearing trendy clothes and hairstyles. Young white boys trying to be hip. They were already talking animatedly to each other as they came closer to the Captain and, although it was obvious they were talking about him, they paid him little attention and acted as if he weren’t even there.

            “So this is what they give us to work with? What the hell are we supposed to do with this? Look at him! He’s ancient. He’s ugly. I don’t know which is worse.”

            “C’mon,” the second man replied, “he’s not that bad. I grew up reading his comics.”

            “That’s precisely my point! He’s too old, dude. This is like, your grandfather’s superhero, y’know?”

            “We can change him. The editor said we could do whatever we wanted as long as it sold a lot of copies.”

            The Captain stood there puzzled. “Excuse me, but what are you talking about? Where am I? Is this some kind of evil plot by Dr. Sybaris, my arch enemy from Universe Z?”

            The two men looked at the Captain.

            “Listen to the way he talks, dude! It’s like watching something on PBS or something.”

            “Well, what if we made him more violent? A berserker type?”

            Suddenly, the Captain’s costume changed and massive claws sprang from his hands. A bloodlust filled him and yet he could not strike against them.

            “Nah, been done before. I know. What if he made him black too?”

            Suddenly the Captain’s skin changed color and he felt himself filled with a strange desire to listen to rap music which, in amazement, he realized that he now understood the lyrics.

            “Too mainstream now. Black is too widespread of a minority. What about some other ethnic group?”

            The Captain didn’t understand. He was an alien from a dead world who had been raised by good, moral parents. Didn’t that already make him part of a limited minority?

            “We could have him go crazy? Kill all of his friends?”

            Thoughts of bloody rampage screamed through the Captain’s mind. He saw the bodies of his friends and allies lying before him and knew that he was the one who had murdered them all.

            “Been done. But, what if we did all of this? Changed the origin, made him part of some huge government experiment conspiracy, then he goes crazy and violent and everyone has to hunt him down?”

            “Might work... maybe if we...”

            “ENOUGH!!” The Captain shouted. “Why are you doing all this?? What was wrong with me the way I was? Sure, I was old-fashioned. Maybe I was even cliched and a little boring but I was good! I stood for something! No killing. No blood. Protect the innocent! What was wrong with that?”

            The two men looked at each other and then back at the Captain. “No wonder his sales are off.” They started walking away.

            “Hey, what if we made him a woman? With these huge, massive boobs?”

            “Might work. How about a alien female who has to have sex with all the villains?”

            “Yeah! I think we’re onto something there!”

            Back in the whiteness, what was once the Captain sat and wept as it careened from one bad concept to the next.