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GOD THE GREAT HOLY SPIRIT
SAINT MICHAEL JESUS THE ARCHANGEL
Phone: 1-989-832-5216
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A fisherman was carrying his gear from his cabin to his car, getting ready for the Sunday evening drive home. A friendly looking man ambled up and asked, "Any luck today?" "No," the fisherman said, "Today was bad, but yesterday I caught sixteen trout before lunch, then another dozen in the afternoon. Best fishing day I've ever had!" "No kidding?" The stranger said. "Do you know who I am?" "Why no, I don't," the fisherman answered. "I'm the game warden," the stranger said. "Oh. Well, do you know who I am?" The fisherman asked. "No I don't." "I'm the biggest liar in the United States."

A lawyer was speeding on his way to the courthouse for a trial because he was late when he looked in his mirror and saw the flashing lights of a patrol car. He pulled over and the cop walked up to his window and said, "Give me your driver's license and your registration." The lawyer replied, "I can't. This is a stolen car." So the cop said, "Look in the glove compartment. They might be in there." The lawyer said, " I can't. There's a stolen, loaded, unregistered gun in there." The cop said, "Okay, then. Open the trunk." The lawyer replied, "I can't. There's a dead body in there." "How did he get in there?" The cop asked. The lawyer answered him, "He was the victim of a drug deal gone bad." So the cop went back to his car and radioed his partner, telling him, "I've got a live one here." Then he told his partner the circumstances. The second cop arrived on the scene shortly. He walked up to the lawyer's window and asked him for his driver's license and registration. The lawyer handed them over. Then the cop told him to open the glove compartment which he did, and it was empty, so he told him to get out and open the trunk. The lawyer walked to the rear of the car and opened the trunk lid. It was empty. Then the lawyer said to the cop, "I'll bet he told you I was speeding too."

A little guy five feet tall strolled into a lumberjack camp and asked for the boss. One of the lumberjacks directed him to a large tent on the edge of the encampment. The little guy peered inside. There was a very large lumberjack who came out to meet the little guy. He was almost seven feet tall. The little guy peered up at him and told him he wanted a job. The big fellow burst out laughing, but the little guy stood his ground. "A little guy like you wants to be a lumberjack?" the big guy asked. "Just try me out, and you'll see I can do the job," the little guy answered. "Okay, follow me," the big guy said, and led the little guy over to a giant redwood tree about thirty yards in circumference and so tall they couldn't see the top of it. "Now you chop this tree down by five o'clock and you can have the job. It's nine o'clock now," the big guy said and walked away. Half an hour later, the little guy walked back into the camp and up to the boss. "Well, I'm finished," he said. "You must be joking," said the big guy, "This I gotta see." So he walked over to the giant redwood, and there it lay on its side. The big lumberjack was stunned. "Where did you learn to chop trees down?" he asked the little guy. "I used to work in the Sahara Forest," the little guy said. "You mean the Sahara Desert?" the big lumberjack asked. "Oh, is that what they call it now?" replied the little guy.

An Actual Classified Ad
SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for Daisy. Over 150 men called in response to this ad. They found themselves talking to the owner of an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

A local neighborhood supermarket told their customers that there would no longer be long waits in line when they installed a self-service checkout. It was easy to figure out save for one woman at the head of the line who kept forgetting to remove one item from the scanner to check out the next one. In its computer voice it would remind her to remove each item she left on the scanner: "Move...your...produce," move...your...milk," etc. The people behind her were getting impatient, but they all had to laugh when her dinner rolls left on the scanner prompted the machine to say, "Move...your...buns."

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger... So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic... But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat wet patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried pooh. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!" "So tell me, " says the blonde, "'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or Rolls and he'll supply you with clothes and credit cards. You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You will also be expected to satisfy her sexual urges. A two-bedroom apartment above the garage is provided and the starting salary is $100,000 per year." The guy asks, "You're bullshitting' me!?" The social worker answers, "Yeah, well you started it."

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is re ally upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Joe was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her, instantly. A few days later, Joe got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Joe: "Yes, sir, that's correct." Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt." Joe: "Was it a Titleist 3?" Coroner: "Yes, it was." Joe: "That was my mulligan."

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The young assistant says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the assistant says to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager says to his assistant, "I was impressed with the way you handled that situation earlier. We like people who think fast on their feet. Where you from, son?" "Canada, sir." replied the young man. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The young man answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No kidding?" replied the young man. "Who'd she play for?"

Did I read that sign right? In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS. In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. In another office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS. Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

True Doctor Stories: A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark McDonalds, San Antonio, TX. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI. And Finally... A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'" --won't admit his name

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALPHA MALES AND NICE GUYS (This is so, SO true): Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's asleep every time!"

Finally, The Straight Dope On Food & Exercise
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?...Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?,br> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Gee...I can't think of a single, solitary one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -- No Pain.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one time the two enter, and the waitress asks, "The usual?" "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: *I do physical labor. *I work at great depths. *I plunge headfirst into everything I do. *I do not get weekends or holidays off. *I work in a damp environment. *I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. *I work in high temperatures. *My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, The Penis.
Dear Penis, After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: *You do not work eight hours straight. *You fall asleep after brief work periods. *You do not always follow the orders of the management team. *You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. *You do not take initiative. *You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. *You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. *You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. *You will retire well before you are 65. *You are unable to work double shifts. *You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not enough, *You are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God..."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill. God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you." Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine" said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine" retorted God, "as you desire". So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says: "That was the screen saver."

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to his Rabbi to seek advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," he replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says...'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!!'

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted.

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...He came to be known as a "super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angela down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of his best angelas and sent her to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good. So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said? Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a way off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon Me when you do not believe in Me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in You, but how about the shark? Can You make the shark believe in You?" The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long." The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?" The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish." The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?" The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates. "It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings." On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. "I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story." By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man. "Father," he cries out, "It's been so long!" The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says, "Pinocchio?"

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply... Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A married man goes to confession and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself." The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40." St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right. We've seen your time sheets!"

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that
JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
But then there were equally good arguments that
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures But perhaps the most compelling evidence
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT 3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny. Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a rat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny. Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny. Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was very full of himself, having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary. He was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I could not, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to preach a sermon." The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the test. "Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit." The young priest looked forward to the test with relish. The day came. He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation. The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider. "Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess." "It's worse, Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay me for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors." The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly." "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she prays earnestly for God to allow him to speak to her. "Hello Margaret, this is Fred." "Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?" "Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over." "Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried. "Heaven?" he answered. "I'm a buffalo in Montana."

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the S**T."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains. "How much does it cost for engineer brain?" "Three dollars an ounce." "How much does it cost for programmer brain?" "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "$1,000 an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was just sitting there, with absolutely no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master had downed. "What ‘s wrong with your dog?" the first hunter asked. "The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I had ever seen!" "Well," the other hunter replied, "His name is Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard to get the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt of court in a heart beat!"

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12? A: Your Honor.

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other." "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"

A nine year old boy came to his mother with a very troubled look on his face. "Mom," he said, "is God a male or a female?" "Well, that's a very hard question to answer," said his mom. "But the easiest way to think of it is that God is both male and female." A troubled look swept across the boy's face. "But Mom, is God black or white?" The mother, with some concern about where this line of questions might end up, answered, "I guess you would have to say that God is both black and white." The boy was obviously filled with tremendous confusion as he started to form his third question. The mother, by now, was becoming somewhat alarmed. She braced herself for the next question. "Mom, is God gay or straight?" She took a deep breath and said, "God is both gay and straight." The look of total consternation melted away as the boy's face lit up. The mother sighed to herself, relieved that he finally "got it." "Mom?" he asked. "Is God Michael Jackson?"

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell." "Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died. "Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of tequila next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

On Easter three blondes came up to the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of His disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and He was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through His hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if He sees His shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A group of Kentucky second, third and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of the boys could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher asked, "You must be a fourth grader?" "No ma'am," he answered. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race."

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says,"Why don't you go ask the youngun down the road??? He must be smart because he is a college graduate." So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He asks the young fellow, "Mr. College graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don't know what to do to empty it." The youngun tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. The second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for the outhouse." Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He lights them and then runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!! BOOM!! Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air. BOOM!! Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the poop all across the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her pants she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!"

A father fresh from another irrational court ruling comes into a bar. Angrily he shouts "I think all family court judges are assholes!!" A slurred response from the back of the bar is heard: "I resent that!" The father peers into the back and asks "Why, are you a family court judge?" "No," the voice slurs, "I'm an asshole."

Good news for all those heading off to court. You cannot catch SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) from a family court judge. Apparently SARS requires a human host to infect you.

What's the difference between God and a family court judge? God does not think he is a family court judge.

How many Supreme Court judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.

How many family law judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but two lawyers have to explain how to do it.

Family Law Judge to Mother: Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth? Mother: I do. Judge: Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful? Mother: Sure. I get everything I want.

Family Law Judge to Father: Do you have anything to offer this court before I issue my judgement? Father: No, your honour, my lawyer took it all.

A family law judge wandered by mistake into a criminal court one morning. He immediately gave custody of the kid to the first woman he saw and then headed back to his chambers. In the meantime, back at the court, the Prosecuting Attorney is trying to figure out what to do now that she had custody of Melbo the bank robbing midget.

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven (obviously not a family law lawyer), but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail. The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."

Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed. The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw him he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!" "Well," the other hunter replied. "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation working hard and getting the job done. Then one day, someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous and fair of you, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A family law attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I’ll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze judge."

A father in divorce court after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized, says, "Can I address the court? The judge responds, "Of course," and the father asks him, "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?" The judge replied, "I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail." So the father answers him, "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?" The judge looked at him quizically and replied, "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking." The father continued, "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there but the judge who says to the boy, "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?" The boy answers, "Yeah?" The judge then says, "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze." The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it. The judge then says to the boy, "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me." The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge who then tells the boy, "Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly." The boy says, "Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom."

After his death, the family court judge found herself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the judge turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?" "They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?" "Well," said the judge. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'family court judges' clock?" The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere. Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this." Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house. Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver. "You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge. "The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him. Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself." "I am," whispered Pete. "I am a leading family court judge back home. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

A second grade teacher asked her students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful," the teacher said, "and how about you, Annie?" Annie shyly stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Annie. What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher, stunned, promptly changed the subject to spelling. Later that day she called Billy's house. Billy's father answered the phone. The teacher explained what his son had said, and asked why he would say such a horrible thing. Billy's father explained, "I'm actually a family court judge. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A physician, an engineer and a judge were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine." The judge smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"

The morning after a senior judge passed away unexpectedly, the court house receptionist answered the phone. "Is Madame Justice Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Justice Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Madam Justice Smith there?" repeated the caller. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Justice Smith passed away last night." "Is Madam Justice Smith there?" asked the caller again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Justice Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

What happens when you cross a pig with a family court judge? Nothing. There are some things a pig just won’t do.

What’s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead family court judge in the road? Vultures will eat the skunk.

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a family law judge. Your gun has only two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the judge. Twice.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of the Court of Appeal judges on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Your family court judge and your ex-mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You have time to save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

A family court judge and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years; I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the family court judge to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five. A neurotic knows two and two are four, but he hates it.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex." The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out," and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The psychologist tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A man finds and rubs a lamp and a genie comes out and offers to grant three wishes but stipulates that each wish will also be given to his mother in-law but will be twice as much as his. His first wish is for a billion dollars. "Done and your mother in-law has two billion dollars." His second is for a twenty room mansion. "Done and your mother-in-law has two. Now, what is your last wish?" "I wish to be half beaten to death!"

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and his target gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." The cop says, "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." The suspect says, "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." So the cop says, "Well, then we need a urine sample." The suspect says, "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." Then the cop says, "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer," the suspect says. "Why not?" The cop asks. "Because I'm too drunk to do that," says the suspect.

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations." "Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?" He said "about ten gallons."

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back," the man says, "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." The officer snapped, "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner at the jail and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding...He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop, "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady, "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the lastdays of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. "You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign there reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?" The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch." The first one says: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

What is the difference between God and a social worker? God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.

What's the difference between a social worker and a pit bull terrier? At least you can get part of your baby back from the pit bull.

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emrgency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker." The man quickly responds, "the attorney's." The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change." None. Social workers never change anything; None. They empower it to change itself; None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit; None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness; Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care; Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

There was a gate separating Heaven and Hell which was made of chrome steel. Sometimes the flames of Hell got so hot that they melted the gate, necessitating a replacement gate. God and the Devil made a contract concerning this. It was only fair, they agreed, that each take turns replacing the steel gate, every time it melted. So, one day in eternity, the flames got too hot and melted the gate. Saint Peter noticed it this time and he called to Lucifer. "Hey Lucifer! Isn't it your turn this time?" Peter said. "Yeah, but my people are too busy roasting in Hell, so what the *!*&^@#$ do you want me to do about it?" Lucifer responded rather smarmily. "I want you to replace the gate. We did so last time," Peter reminded him. "I know. But I'm not so inclined, so stuff it!" Lucifer sneered. "OK, since you want to be that way, we'll have to sue for breach of contract," Peter said. And Lucifer responded, "Yeah, right, and just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly, Bill grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

This Helicopter crashed and the crew died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Pilot fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The Co-Pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Crew chief started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at him with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" He replied, "These are Carol's."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet, depositing him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazed at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien, "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK) It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire, yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD. Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, coming soon, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus.....

A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Oklahoma near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...That in 1 year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago." Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Kiwi (that's a guy from New Zealand, where there are 2-3 times as many sheep as people) walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and says: "You idiot, that's a sheep under your arm." The man replies: "I wasn't talking to you."

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Way down in dat old swamp known as MISSISSIPPI, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy. The doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey Boudreaux! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil tang, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!" When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good tang we didn't use no WD-40!"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to her mother in the front row and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Dave was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his sweetie Carol Jane (who is also blonde), to the hardware store in their town in Alabama.At the hardware store, Carol Jane saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Carol Jane asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Carol Jane exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Dave had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Carol Jane, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Carol Jane replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." This is why you can't send a blonde to a hardware store.

A zebra escaped from the zoo and found his way to a farm where he encountered a chicken. He asked the chicken what she did. The hen said, "I lay eggs, and when I can't anymore, they kill me." Then the zebra came upon a sheep. He asked the ram what he did, and the ram said, "I give wool, then they kill me and eat me." Next the zebra saw a bull. He asked the bull what he did, and the bull told him, "Take off those striped pajamas, and I'll show you."

MAN JOKES:
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: Women want one man to satisfy their every need. Men want every woman to satisfy their one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder: "Instruction Manuals."



I was a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened at the Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two good looking young women come to your car as you are leaving the mall while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No," and beg you for a ride. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday... I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.


A very sophisticated-looking and well-dressed lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.


A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"


Two old men were discussing their sex lives. The first asked the second, "How has your sex life been lately?" The second replied, "Great, just great." The first said, "You must be using that Viagra stuff." The other said, "No, wheat bread," and the first answered, "Wheat bread!? Did you say wheatbread?" to which the second replied, "Yes, it does wonders." As soon as they parted, the first old man made a beeline to the grocery store, went straight to the bread aisle and picked up an armload of wheat bread. When he laid it on the checkout counter, the checkout girl said, "Don't you know it's going to get hard before you can eat it?" The old man exclaimed, "Damn, does everybody in the world know about this but me?"

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home and will have to go home and come back later. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You would have gotten disability too."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Walking into the bar, Henry said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman" "Oh yuck," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Henry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, "Come out from under that bed you low-life coward."

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened that she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?" "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation that were affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. The doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself." On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed already naked. He was so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he didn't think twice and leapt on board. After a few minutes of "slap and tickle," they found themselves in the "69" position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following his doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol from the bedside table and fired it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and then my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

One day, three friends went to a "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulled out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, the other friend pulled out a $50 bill. He called the girl back over, licked the $50, and put it on her other cheek. Now the attention was focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute...then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spotted another worker on the ground floor and yelled down to him, but he couldn't hear him. So the worker on the fifth floor tried sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning, "I," pointed to his knee meaning "need," then moved his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the ground floor nodded his head, pulled down his pants, whipped out his chop and started masturbating. The worker on the fifth floor got so pissed off, he ran down to the ground floor and said, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!" The other guy said, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you: I'm coming!"

One day a wife is home alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy who says, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a couple minutes of silence the friend says, "You know, Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'll give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, What the hell, a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one of her breasts to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and then the guy says, "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I can just see the both of them together." Sara, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and decides, Heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A kindergarten teacher was trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely." To make sure the students had a good understanding of the word, she asked them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy." Another student raised his hand and said, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replied, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raised his hand and asked the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...but that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband: "How about the ones like mine?" Wife: "Those they gave away." Husband: "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband: "That's when they held the auction."

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah, teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you," Matt said, "There are three women that come out of an ice-cream parlor and one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken aback by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies, "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

A woman posted an ad in the newspaper that read..."Looking for a man with these qualifications: Won't beat me up, or run away from me and is great in bed." She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad, but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady said, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replied, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford to have separate weddings so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left, the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied, "Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true," the mother said, then she looked at her second daughter and asked, "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied, "Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter and asked, "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied, "Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, she thought, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later during a routine search she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the floor and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her and said, "He sure is, lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

A boy is at school and hears the older kids talking about pussy and their bitch. The boy, confused by this, goes to his mother. "Mom," the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother, being startled by this, thinks quick, picks up the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says, "Son, that is a pussy." The son then asks, "What's a bitch?" The mother, again thinking quickly, opens the dictionary to a picture of a dog and says, "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks, "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19-year-old blonde. She said to him, "Santa, will you stay with me?" and Santa replied, "Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown and, wearing only a bra and panties, asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys," Santa replied. She took off everything and said, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replied, "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and passed two squirrels having sex. The little boy asked his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees, rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" the kid inquired. "You bet it hurt; I didn't walk for a year!"

A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up the next day barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth and the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies, "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try." The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. So the doctor shrugs it off again, ties the umbilical cord, slaps the baby on the ass and it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

No matter who you are or what you do, there's lesson about perspective buried in this: This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry in October of 1998. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01: IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

<"FF9900"> One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. Very attracted to Him she questioned him on how he engaged to have sex. "What's sex?" he asked. She explained what sex is and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the jungle floor spreading her legs and said, "you must put it in here," pointing to her vagina. Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her his best kick to the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp out, "What the hell did you do that for?" "I was checking for bees," said Tarzan.



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