Who Was I Really?
by Dana
Chapter One
The limo was crossing the intersection when it was hit. The driver of the truck had missed the redlight. Ivy screamed as he struck the left side, where Julian was sitting.
It was over in a matter of seconds, but to Ivy, it felt like forever. Ivy looked over at Julian. She stared in horror at the blood that was coming from a wound in his head.
"Julian," Ivy screamed as darkness overtook her.
-------------* * *-----------------
The next morning
Ethan Crane sat by his father's hospital bed, silently watching him as he slept. He was beginning to get worried. The doctors said he should be awake by now. Ethan didn't know why he was so worried about Julian. They were anything but close. They argued a lot over manu subjects like fidelity, the people of Harmony, what it meant to be a Crane. Julian was an arrogant SOB most of the time...
But Ethan knew that Julian loved him. He had no doubts about that. And Ethan reluctantly loved him in return, though he halfway expected Julian to hurt him in some way, like Alistair often did to his own family.
"Please wake up soon, Father. A new day has begun. It's about time you should wake up and face it."
Over the course of two hours, Julian had only two visitors, Ivy and Ethan. Ivy had woken up immediately after arriving at the hospital. She had no serious injuries to speak of.
Ethan was in the room when Julian began to rouse from his slumber.
Julian was slowly coming out of the consuming darkness. A pain shot through his head as his eyes greeted the light. He groaned and closed his eyes again.
"Father," a voice spoke softly from his right side. "How are you feeling? Are you all right?"
Julian turned his head and into the concerned eyes of a hansome young man. He looked familiar, but couldn't quite place where he saw him before. The pain in his head was beginning to subside, but he was having a lot of trouble thinking. Thoughts were flying in every possible direction.
Then, one thought struck him with startling clarity. He didn't even know his own name. Turning wary eyes to the young man next to him, he tried focussing on who this person was, trying to force himself to remember. But it didn't work, and he was frightened. God, he thought, what the hell is wrong with me?
"I'm sorry," he told the young man quietly, his voice feeling strange to even himself. "But I don't know who you are...I don't even know who I am."
Ethan just stared at him, uncomprehendingly for a moment. He was on his feet in a shot and rushed out of the room, calling for a doctor.
Chapter Two
Julian and Ivy sat silently in the living room. Ivy shifted uncomfortably, not knowing what to say to him. Julian was the first to break the silence.
"So, Ivy, tell me about our marriage."
Ivy swallowed before speaking hesitantly, "Well, we were married about 25 years ago. We were both 18 years old. It was something of an arranged marriage..."
"Arranged marriage?" Julian asked, confused. "Why was it arranged? Surely things like that don't happen anymore."
Ivy just looked at him, tears in her eyes. She remembered how she had once thought Julian was in love with her. But it was nothing but an act to trick her into marrying him. If he loved her, she had thought, then maybe she could learn to love him in return. She had no idea that Julian's charm and affection during the time he was courting her was faked. She had wanted so badly to be happy that she hadn't been able to see through the deception. The night of her wedding, she learned the truth. It broke her heart and made the last 25 years of her life miserable.
Julian could see the sadness in her eyes, tears were making her eyes bright. His heart clenched tightly in his chest as he wondered if he had been the cause of her unhappiness. He didn't want that to be the case. "I was..it had to do with.." Ivy began, but couldn't finish. She stood up and turned away from him.
Julian stood up and moved closer. "Ivy, it's okay. You don't have to say anymore right now. This whole situation won't be hard on just me, I know. I'm sure it'll greatly affect the whole family. Let's just take it slowly, like the doctors said we should. Okay?"
Ivy struggled to regain her composure. His attitude had thrown her off for a moment. It had been a while since she had last heard gentle words coming from his mouth directed at her.
It was funny, but for the first time in a while, it made her wonder how the marriage had really affected him. She couldn't just ask him now while his memory was gone. But she suddenly felt the need to know. Maybe when he got his memory back she could ask.
"Okay. Why don't I show you your room?"
Julian followed Ivy up the stairs. She led him to his bedroom and stepped aside so he could enter first. Julian stepped hesitantly into his spacious bedroom. He flicked on the light switch and examined the room. He was only half surprised not to see anything feminine in this room.
Julian turned toward Ivy.
"Have we always had separate rooms, Ivy?"
"Umm. For the first 5 years of our marriage, we shared a room. But them we....couldn't anymore."
Oh," he said. He wanted to question her more, to ask why they stopped sharing a room, but he was afraid. Julian was afraid of what he'd learn.
Ivy could see the fear flash on his face and softened. "It's late, Julian. Maybe we should wait until later to talk more. You just got back from the hospital, we don't want to overwhelm you with information." Ivy left the room and quietly closed the door behind her. She leaned against the wall.
"All these memories. What are we going to do?" she whispered as her tears began to fall.
----------------* * *--------------------
Julian stared unseeingly a the door for a while. He wondered what kind of life he led. An arranged marriage? Separate rooms? Why on earth were they still married if the marriage was so unhappy?
He looked at his watch, it was 11:00. Time for bed.
----------------* * *---------------------
It was midnight and Julian was fast asleep. His bedroom door opened slowly. A woman stepped through the door and advanced towards the bed. She knelt down next to him and reached to stroke his face.
Julian was startled awake. He shot up in bed and strained his eyes against the dark to see who was next to his bed. He reached over to turn on the lamp.
"What are you doing in here?" he asked sharply.
"I heard you were back from the hospital, Julian. I just wanted to come and give you a wam welcome. I'm sure that bitch of a wife of yours didn't welcome you like you deserved."
He stared at the woman, shocked. "Who are you?" he demanded.
"Oooh, Julian. We've never played that game before." The woman began to crawl into his bed. Julian couldn't move. "No, I really mean it. Who are you?" he demanded again.
"Oh, poor Julian has amnesia from his accident. Well, I know exactly how to fix you memory." she purred as she leaned over to kiss him.
Julian rolled across to the other side of the bed. He stood up quickly and backed away.
"Look. I dont know who the hell you are or what you're doing here, but I want you gone. NOW!"
"You're serious, aren't you? I'm Suzanne, Julian, your lover."
Julian shook his head in denial. "No! That's not possible."
"It is. Julian..."
"No, get out..."
"But Julian."
"Get out," he yelled, "Get out and never come back!" "Okay, I'm going. But when you get your memory back, you'll want to see me again."
Julian sook his head. "Get. Out. Now," he said calmly. When she was gone, Julian sank into his bed. A picture popped in his head of Ivy holding a gun and pointing it at him. He tried to hold onto the memory, to remember why she held the gun. It was gone as quickly as it came.
"What kind of person am I?" Julian contemplated in misery. He buried his face in his hands.
Chapter Three
Julian was seated at the desk next to one of the windows in the living room. He was looking at the pictures of his family which were displayed before him. Picking one up, he studied it carefully, hoping to capture something...a glimpse of a memory...a glimmer of recognition.
It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman. Who was she? His daughter?
No.
His sister. What was her name? He recalled Ivy telling him, but couldn't remember. Ivy had said he had one sister and five children. He remembered there was Carly, Lauren, Marianna, Logan...
Who else? Ethan he had met in the hospital. He was their eldest son. His sister's name was a blank right now. It was an unusual name, he did remember that. While he was contemplating this, the front door burst open and a chaos of voices found its way into the room. Julian stood up quickly and headed towards the foyer.
The woman from the photograph was standing there along side a tall latino man. He looked familiar, but like everything else, the recognition was fleeting. Ivy came in next, holding in her arms, a little blonde haired, blue eyed little girl of about two years. "Julian," Ivy greeted him. "Let me introduce you to your granddaughter, Emily. She is Carly's little girl."
"Hi, Grandfather!" Emily exclaimed, wriggling in her grandmother's arms.
Ivy set her down and Emily ran up to Julian, lifting her arms up to him. For a moment, Julian stared down at her.
"Up, Grandpa. Up." she demanded.
Julian reached down to lift Emily up into his arms. Her chubby little arms surrounded his neck and planted a sound kiss on his cheek.
Julian's heart warmed. This seemed to be unfamiliar territory, like he had never been held in such affection before.
Ivy looked at him, with tears in her eyes. Julian usually avoided young children like the plague. Seeing Emily in his arms was new and made her wish that this was his normal routine...and something he could have done with his children
Emily giggled and demanded to be put down so she could go see her Uncle Ethan. Julian reluctantly let her go.
Ethan came bounding down the steps toward the group. Emily!" he cried out.
"Uncle Ethan! Grandfather picked me up and let me kiss him."
Ethan looked at his father, surprised. Julian never lifted children ito his arms, let alone let them kiss him. He was always worried that they would wrinkle his suit or give him a too sloppy kiss.
Julian lifted a brow at the expression Ethan shot him. "What?" he asked.
"It's nothing, Father. I'm just a bit surprised that you picked her up. I don't ever once remember you doing..."
"But I don't understand why I would never..." Julian stopped as a voice spoke inside his head.
"A Crane never shows affection, Julian. That is a weak emotion, and Cranes must always show strength." Julian's heart sank as he could picture himself agreeing, saying, "Yes, Father.'
Julian suddenly felt dizzy. He lifted a shaky hand to his forehead. His sister took a step forward.
"Are you okay, Julian?" she asked as she examined his face carefully, her arms steadying him.
"Yes, I'm fine..." he looked into her concerned blue eyes and said regretfully, "I'm sorry. I don't remember your name."
The woman turned slightly to look at everyone standing in the foyer.
"That's okay, Julian. My name is Sheridan. I'm your sister. Why don't we sit you down and I can bring you a brandy."
"I think I'll pass on the brandy, just...I'd just like a glass of water, it that's okay."
Sheridan and Ivy helped lead Julian to a chair in the living room He sank down into it with a slight groan. "My head is starting to kill me."
"I'll get some aspirin," Ethan told the group and left with Emily trailing behind him.
Julian looked up to see the yong man who was with Sheridan. He stared back at Julian. Julian could see in the man's dark eyes two emotions...strong dislike and suspicion.
He felt the strongest desire to look away, but decided that would be too cowardly. Julian didn't know why the young man was looking at him like that.
"So, what's your name?" Julian asked him.
"Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald," was his short reply.
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Luis. Are you and Sheridan married or dating?
Sheridan and Luis looked at each other. They slowly tore their eyes away from one another as Sheridan said, "He is my fiancé, Julian."
"Oh?" Julian had no idea why this unsettled him, but his stomach began flip-flopping. "Congratulations, you two. Do you have the date set?"
"August 23rd. 2 months." Luis answered. The voice came again...his father's voice, he was sure. "We must do whatever it takes to keep Luis and Sheridan apart."
And again he could imagine himself agreeing. Julian wondered why on earth he and his father wanted Sheridan and Luis to be broken up. They seemed like such a happy couple.
Sheridan never had very many chances at true happiness before, he thought, why should we take it away from her now?
Now where did that come from? Julian banished the thought from his head as he listened to a discussion on the wedding.
Chapter Four
Julian needed to get out of the mansion. He had spent the whole afternoon inside being introduced to his family. They were all there, his children, sister, wife and grandchild. It felt so very strange to Julian to be introduced to his family. Each and every one of their faces were familiar to him, but it was so frustrating when he couldn't place a name with a face or recall a single memory. The only person who wasn't present was his father, Alistair.
Knowing that Alistair lived far away and couldn't visit didn't help the waves of disappointment Julian felt. The man hadn't even called to see how he was doing, not even when he was in the hospital. It was like he didn't give a damn.
Julian knew that he was trying too hard. The doctors told him that everything would come back to him in its own time. He just had to wait, and fall back into his normal routine, whatever that was.
Julian decided to go take a walk. On his way to the staircase, he ran into his daughter Carly and Emily. Little Emily was so excited to see her grandfather, which confused Carly a great deal. Usually Emily kept her distance from Julian, hanging back behind her mother or grandmother while he was nearby.
Then again, in the last couple of hours everything that had to do with her father confused her. It was like he was a whole new person. Children could be surprisingly perceptive. Emily must be picking up on the positive change and responding to it.
'I hope he doesn't revert back to his old self once he regains his memory,' Carly thought wryly.
"Father,"she greeted him cheerfully, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "How are you feeling after spending this afternoon with the family?"
"It's hard to describe."
"I'm sure it is. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my memory. It has to be strange."
"I have a question, Carly, and I would like you to answer me honestly."
"Okay. Go ahead."
"Well, does my father always show a lack of interest in his family's welfare?"
Carly shifted uncomfortably.
"Sometimes Grandfather shows little interest in us and sometimes...sometimes he shows far too much," she said, hoping she didn't sound bitter and he wouldn't ask her to elaborate.
Julian could see this in her eyes. She was hedging and he didn't like it one bit. In the time he spent with his family, he noticed they all had acted this way at one time or the other in their conversations. He would ask a certain question and they would all get these looks on their faces that said they'd rather not discuss it.
It made him very angry. How could they keep things from him like that? He knew that his memory would come back on its own, but he didn't want to be left completely in the dark..
Julian decided to let Carly off the hook.
"I'm going for a walk outside, Carly. Would you and Emily like to join me?" he asked her.
"I'm sorry, Father, but Emily and a I were going to see her father."
"Okay. I'll see you later," he told her and gave her a hesitant peck on the cheek.
Carly just looked at him and touched her hand to her face.
"Bye, Father."
Julian breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped outside. It felt so good to be outdoors after spending days in a hospital, then all day at the mansion.
Outside the front door, he ran into Ivy, who was about to go inside.
"Julian! Where are you going?" she asked.
"I decided that I hate being cooped up, so I'm going for a walk through Harmony."
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Julian. You just got home. Plus, you rarely go into town. You usually head for the country club." She stopped when she saw a peculiar expression cross his face.
"What is it, Julian?" she asked.
"It's nothing. I was just wondering why I never went into town. Do you think I should go to the country club, since it is my normal routine?"
"It doesn't matter, Julian. You always do what you want, anyway. If you want to go into town...go to town. If you want to go to the country club...go there."
Ivy didn't know which she wanted him choose. She knew that wherever he went people would stare and gossip. She felt their eyes on her often enough, making her extremely uneasy.
The latest scandal to rock the Crane family was still so fresh in the minds of Harmony. Julian's presence amongst them was sure to rouse a lot of curiosity and speculation.
"Well. I think I'm more in the mood to go into town."
Ivy stared after him as he took one of the cars and left, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
An hour later, Julian walked to the Book Café. His whole time in town, he could sense people staring at him. The attention was making him edgy. He tried his best not to let them get to him.
At the newspaper stand in the Book Café, something caught his attention. He picked up a tabloid and stared, shocked, at the front cover and its headline.
CRANE PATERNITY SCANDAL STILL FRESH IN
THE MINDS OF THE MINDS OF THE WORLD
"What the hell?" he murmered.
Chapter Five
"Ivy!" Julian called angrily as he stormed back into the mansion. "Ivy! Where the hell are you?"
Ivy appeared at the top of the stairs.
"Julian? What are you yelling for?"
Julian waved the tabloid in the air.
"I want an explanation for this and I want it now!"
Ivy had never seen such an expression on his face before. It was filled with a mixture of anger, confusion and hurt. She couldn't see what was in his hand, but she had an idea of what it could be. When she reached him, she could see that it was the Daily Intruder, a tabloid.
"What is this?" she asked, reaching out to grab the paper from his hand.
She looked down at the front cover and gasped in surprise.
"I ought to have known they wouldn't leave this alone?" she murmured sarcastically.
Ivy looked at Julian.
"Oh, God, Julian! I am so sorry that you had to see this. When you left, I was hoping you wouldn't come across something like this."
"Is the article right," he asked.
"Wh-what did it say?"
"Read it."
Ivy read the article, her eyes growing wider with every increasing second.
In the past couple of months, Crane secrets has been the talk of a small New England town. It appears that they have much to hide and a lot to fear. The most explosive of secrets was revealed in February at Ethan Crane’s engagement party. He was set to marry Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, the housekeeper’s daughter, when the question of his paternity was brought to life.
Ivy Winthrop Crane’s secret of 25 years was revealed that night. Before her marriage to Julian Crane, she had a secret affair with the now Police of Chief of Harmony, Samuel Bennett. If that wasn’t enough, Ivy had cheated on Julian Crane on...get ready for this...their wedding night!
Shame on you, Ivy Winthrop Crane!
Mrs. Crane held on to this secret for the whole of her marriage, including the fact that she had believed that Ethan Crane was Sam’s son. In a DNA test, administered later, this belief was proven false.
Or was it really?
How do we know that Ethan’s DNA test wasn’t tampered with? After everything that Ivy’s secret caused, you shouldn’t be surprised if the Cranes’s, to avoid further embarrassment, made the results SEEM to say Julian Crane was Ethan’s biological father.
We may never know the real truth about who Ethan’s father is.
The wedding of Ethan Crane and Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald is now in the works, along with her brother's marriage to Sheridan Crane. A double wedding is being considered.
They say that Alistair Crane is prepared to disown his daughter should she marry Ms. Lopez-Fitzgerald’s brother, Luis. But that is another topic for another day...”
"No, Julian. This is wrong. Ethan is definitely your son. We haven't hidden any truth from the outside world when it comes to this."
"But you did have an affair with Sam Bennett, the chief of police?"
"Yes. That was a long time ago, though. Before Ethan was born."
Julian sighed, resigning himself to hear the truth.
"Why? Why did you sleep with Bennett on our wedding night? Did you have no shame?"
The more he thought about it, the angrier he was becoming. On the very first night of their marriage, she went off and slept with somebody else. Someone who was not him. What kind of person was Ivy, he thought.
"I know that it was the wrong thing to do, Julian," she said. "But...but I was so upset that night. I felt so betrayed by you and your father...that I wasn't thinking!"
Her voice was steadily rising.
"When I left the mansion that night, I didn't expect to see Sam again. I wanted to be as far away from you as possible. I just kept running and running, with nowhere to go...no direction to follow. Somehow, I found myself with Sam."
"What happened next?" Julian asked calmly and this calm frightened Ivy to death. "Why did you come back?”
“After I found myself in Sam’s arms, I had no intention of ever returning to you. But...my father found out where I was and he came to get me. He threatened to ruin Sam’s future if I didn’t go back to you. I couldn't let that happen to Sam...I just couldn’t. So I came back and broke off all contact with him. I didn’t see him again until about 2 years ago when he came to the Crane Mansion on police business.”
“Okay. Let’s back up a bit,” he told Ivy, staring intently into her eyes.
Ivy took deep cleansing breaths to get rid of the burning flush that covered her whole face and nodded carefully.
“Alright.”
Julian stared at her for a second more before turning and motioning for Ivy to follow. She came into the living room behind him. Julian stood by the drinks.
He poured himself and Ivy a glass of brandy.
“Here,” he said. “I have a feeling we’re both going to need this. Sit.”
Ivy sat. He handed her the glass sat down in the chair in front of her, and took a sip of the brandy. He set the glass down on the coffee table. Leaning forward, he clasped his hands in front of him, ready to hear more.
He paused, taking the time to think before speaking. “You said that you felt betrayed by my Father and me. How?”
Ivy explained what she had heard Julian and Alistair talking about on their wedding night. SO, you see....I was nothing but an ornament, a decoration to help make the Crane family look good. You didn’t love me...you just wanted to use me to improve the Crane image and increase your political influence. I just wanted you to love me and for a while thought you did. But it was a lie.”
Ivy downed the rest of her brandy and stood up quickly. The alcohol was getting to her head and she swayed for a moment. She collected herself quickly and moved to leave.
Julian’s voice stopped her. “You were wrong, Ivy, despite what you heard that night.”
Ivy stopped and stood still, her back turned toward him.
“How would you know?”
“I may not remember much about us and our past, but there is something within me that tells me you were...are wrong. You say I didn’t love you. How can this be true when my heart says differently? It says that I did love you...and still do.
Chapter Six
"I can see that when you lost your memory, your sense of humor didn't go along with it," Ivy said as she sun around to face Julian.
"I don't know what you mean," Julian said quietly, looking up at her.
Ivy wiped the tears that were starting to fall from her cheeks.
"You? Love me? Don't make me laugh."
She let out a bitter laugh.
Julian stood up and slowly walked toward Ivy. He reached out his hand to touch the tears on her face. As his fingers made contact, Ivy flinched and stepped quickly back.
"I hurt you," Julian stated, dropping his hand as he glanced down at the floor.
Ivy didn't speak, but her silence was confirmation enough for him. He looked back up at her face. Their eyes made contact and he could see clearly the hurt in hers. Julian drew in a shaky breath as he realized how much hurt he really caused her.
If only he could remember how. Then he would know what to do to make it right.
Could he make it right between them?
A thought came to him.
"You're not the only one." It was more statement than question.
Ivy shook her head sadly. "No. I'm not the only person you've hurt."
Julian turned away from her and walked over to the window. He stared outside at the garden rather blankly as he processed her last words. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
It was a minute before he spoke again. Softly.
"The more I learn about myself, Ivy, the less I like the person I was. Tell me something. Have I ever done anything good? Did I love anything else besides myself? If the answer is no, then what a sad life I've led." He turned to face her again.
Ivy stared at him, searching his eyes. She took a deep breath.
"You love your children, Julian. You try to hide it, especially because your father encourages you to. But I know...and they know."
"My. Father. It all seems to come back to him, doesn't it. I get the impression that Alistair has a strong influence on me. Do I always do what he says?"
At the mention of Alistair Crane, Ivy threw up her hands in the air, sarcastically saying, "When the Great and Powerful Alistair Crane speaks, Julian Crane listens. Whatever the Almighty Alistair tells him to do, he does. To hell with anyone else. Why should Julian and Alistair care who they hurt in the name of protecting the interests of the all important Crane family?!!"
Julian was taken aback by the bitterness in her voice. He had no idea how deeply it ran in her. Alistair's voice ran over and over again through his mind, ruthlessly hitting him from all directions.
"Of course Sheridan will be hurt, Julian. We mustn't allow that to get in our way, though. Poor little Sheridan will get over it. She always does....Ethan is no longer of an concern to you. He's not your son. Hes nothing but a Bennett bastard. Turn your back on him...I had his brake line cut. T.C. Russell will never play tennis again...Carly will marry Tyler Cartwright. She has no choice...a divorce for Marianna is out of the question. I don't care if he hit her. We need the political pull his family can give us...Sacrifices, Julian!"
Julian groaned aloud and his hands flew to massage his temples as if that would silence the unwelcome chorus of a dozen different memories. He wondered if Alistair Crane's voice would ever leave him alone. His mind felt battered and bruised by the assault made by the voice without a face. Why could he only remember Alistair as a faceless voice?
Ivy's features softened from anger to concern. She stepped forward.
"Are you alright, Julian?" she asked.
Julian looked into her face, his heart skipping a beat as she spoke to him. She always had that affect on him, from the very first time he met her.
How did he know that? He had no idea. But he knew it was true.
"Damn this amnesia," he cursed passionately. "It has a mind of its own. I can't seem to find one single good memory. Why is that, Ivy?"
Julian was getting himself all worked up. Ivy watched helplessly as he paced in front of his desk like a caged lion. He kept running his hand through his hair. Ivy half expected him to start ripping out strands.
She took a tentative step toward her restless husband, unsure of whether or not she should touch him. She worried about how he would react.
Ivy knew that he wouldn't hit her. He wasn't the kind of man to do that. That's not what worried her. She was scared that he would turn to her for comfort, for reassurance that his life wasn't completely filled with bad things. She wouldn't know what to say, what to do. Ivy was about to step forward again when Julian abruptly stopped and faced her again.
"Why are there no good memories?" he asked Ivy again. "All I'm realy getting is my father's voice. telling me to close myself off to people...to my own family, for God's sake. Telling me to hurt those I care about." "I-I don't know, Julian."
Ivy was at a loss for words. She watched as Julian slowly walked to the chair he had been sitting in. He picked up the brandy snifter on the coffee table. It was still full, for he had only taken a sip. He stared at the shimmering liquid in the glass, hypnotized by the changing reflections.
"Tel me something good about our lives. Forget, for just a moment, all the pain and the heartache...the lies and deceptions. Tell me something good," he said quietly, resolutely, not turning his head to look at her.
Ivy made her way past Julian's chair to sit in the one on the othr side of the table. She sat and stared across to him.
Her voice was hesitant at first as she began to tell him of his daughter, Marianna's birth. It steadily grew in strength as she recounted that beautiful day.
Chapter Seven
"After Carly was born, the doctors told us we wouldn't be able to have any more children. So, my pregnancy with Marianna came as quite a pleasant surprise."
Ivy let out a soft laugh.
Julian couldn't stop looking at Ivy's face. As she spoke, her features softened and her whole visage lit up. Her smile could brighten a room like the sun in the afternoon sky. To keep the image in his mind should the real thing disappear, Julian leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.
Her face soon disappeared to something just as wonderful. The way she described Marianna's arrival was so vivid and powerful that he could picture it so clearly.
"When you held our little girl for he first time, Julian, the look on your face was priceless. You held her as if she were made of the most fragile glass. The awe and love that shone through your face as you looked at her brought tears to my eyes. It was the first time since our wedding night that I believed you weren't such a horrible person...that you were capable of love. Yes, I know you love your children, even when you are at your worst as a father and a husband."
To Julian, this seemed like such a contradiction. How can a man who loved his children and try to hide it from them by being a bad father?
"You didn't do all that good job at it," Ivy said, startling him. He hadn't realized he'd spoken the question aloud.
"How so?" he asked and leaned forward to hear better.
Ivy tilted her head back elegantly and stared a the ceiling as she sought the words that would do justice to her explanation. How could she answer this when she had often wondered the same thing, never really understanding?
"You would never put them down or make them feel bad about themselves. Alistair's specialty, by the way. I've even heard you tell them that you loved them...So many small things, too...barely perceptible things. The way you would look at them...or how you would listen to them should they come to you. They never really felt comfortable confiding in you, though."
"Was I comfortable being around them?"
"When it came to personal things, like love, you were really uneasy? For example..." her voice softened as she searched for an example, "...when you would say, 'I love you,' you'd shift uncomfortably, or be unable to look them in the eye."
Julian leaned back. "What could have caused that?" he asked, even though he had a pretty good idea of why that was so.
"I think a part of the reason lies within your own background. You felt uncomfortable expressing affection mostly because you never really experienced it as a child."
"I know that my father, wasn't exactly the loving father...but I had my mother, right? She must have loved me, didn't she?"
"I barely knew your mother, but from what I can tell, especially from Sheridan's stories of her, she did love you."
Ivy sighed.
"For most of your life, Julian, you were away at boarding schools. I got the impression that your father tried to limit your contact with your mother. You'd have holidays, occasional phone calls, and letters with her. Alistair was the only person who had constant communication with you. After all, he was the one grooming you to become the head of the family one day. According to you, he'd call everyday. When you were home for the holidays, he would make sure you spent the majority of time with him."
Julian interrupted her and scoffed, "I'll bet he used that time to "brainwash" me into his ways."
Ivy gave him a half smile. She totally agreed with that conclusion. In all her years to marriage she had often told herself the same thing.
Ivy looked down at her watch. She had a meeting in 10 minutes. She sighed in resignation, wanting to talk more with Julian, but knowing she couldn't.
It surprised her,but Ivy felt comfortable talking to Julian. They had never before broached the subject of why he acted the way he did. One would think that this would cause major discomfort, but it didn't. This was very enlightening indeed. A lot of questions were left unanswered and perhaps many of them would be remain that way. But at least she was beginning to truly understand. "Looks like I have to go, Julian," she told him as she stood up.
Julian stood up quickly.
"Go? But why?" he asked, disappointed.
"I have a meeting that I can't miss. We can talk later."
Before she could think to stop herself, Ivy stepped over to Julian and impulsively kissed him lightly on the lips. It was brief, but it sent heat waves through her body. She placed her fingers to her lips as her eyes widened in surprise. What on earth had possessed her to kiss him?
Julian watched as Ivy turned and walked away from him, speechless. After she was out of sight, Julian headed upstairs. There was something he wanted to check out.
Chapter Eight
Ivy couldn't concentrate on the meeting, her thoughts were constantly drifting back to Julian. For what seemed the millionth time, Ivy touched her fingers to her lips. The tingling sensation there had long since passed, but her memories faded much less quickly.
She still didn't know what had given her the desire to kiss him. In the beginning of their marriage, before many things dramatically changed between them, kissing him had never truly been a bad thing. Then, she had actually enjoyed the physical part of their relationship. When they made love, Julian was always so sweet and gentle..and a bit playful at the same time. She would revel in the way his hands would explore every inch of her heated, wr....
Ivy blushed a deep crimson as she realized the direction her thoughts were leading her. She pressed her hands against her flushed cheeks, trying to will the coolness of her palms to lessen that heat that radiated from her face.
"Ivy, dear, you looked absolutely flushed. Are you not feeling well?" Agatha Weldon asked, reaching her hand out to touch Ivy's arm.
Ivy's head shot up. She was extremely mortified. Here she was, in a meeting with one of Harmony's most prominent and well-respected women...and she was thinking about sex.
Fortunately, Agatha didn't see Ivy's look of pure horror. Her concentration was on the intercom on her desk as she called her secretary.
"Mary. Can you please bring Mrs. Crane a wet cloth. I fear she's going to need it."
Ivy shook her head and quickly called out, "Really, Mary, that's not necessary. I am feeling much better."
"Nonsense, Mary. Don't pay any attention to Mrs. Crane's protests. You bring that wash cloth."
"Yes, ma'am. I'll be right in."
Agatha got up and walked around her desk to be closer to Ivy. She put her cool, wrinkled hand on Ivy's forehead to test the temperature.
Ivy reached up to grab the older woman's wrist and pushed it away lightly.
"Really, Agatha," she protested. "I do feel better."
"I don't know," Agatha clucked like a mother hen, "You still look quite a bit flushed, Ivy. I am going to insist that you lie down on the couch."
Despite Ivy's denial that she didn't need to lie down, she soon found herself doing just that. Agatha Weldon was a very persuasive woman when it came to the well being of someone she cared about.
Ivy's embarrassment grew as Mary breezed into the office with the wash cloth and a glass of ice water. Mary's concern for Ivy was just as overbearing and suffocating as Agatha's.
Ivy leaned back into the cushions as she tried to drown out the women's fussing. It didn't work. She was forced to listen to them drone on.
5 minutes later Mary was gone.
'Hallelujah,' Ivy silently rejoiced.
Agatha sat in a chair by the couch and looked down at the younger woman.
"Ivy, dear, does this have anything to do with what was distracting you earlier before?"
Ivy blushed again, but not as much as previously.
"What makes you think that, Agatha?" Ivy dodged, looking away.
Agatha leaned forward.
"You know, dear, talking can very soothing and helpful. Why don't you tell me about it? I have a degree in psychology, you know. I might be able to help..." Ivy sighed. This was going to take a while.
-----------------* * *----------------------
Julian's thoughts of Ivy were distracting him. He wondered how it would feel for him to kiss her thouroughly, to taste the sweetness of her lips. He wanted to know how it was to make love to her beneath the moonlit sky, feeling the sensation of her...
Julian straightened out and let out a groan. The very erotic picture of Ivy's naked body, illuminated by the moonlight, filled him with an anguished desire.
He needed a distraction.
Forcing himself to focus on the task at hand, Julian searched his room, looking for a photo album. Somehow, he knew that he had one in there. The question was, where.
Outside the open door was a petite Latina woman. He could tell from her uniform that it was one of the maids.
"Maybe she'll know where I keep that album," he told himself.
He cleared his throat.
"Miss!" he called out to the woman, heading towards the hall to her.
The woman looked up from dusting the desk that was across the hall, startled by his voice. She smiled politely as Julian approached her.
"Yes, Mr. Crane?" she inquired, "What can I do for you?" "I'm looking for a family photo album..." he trailed off, his tone indicating he was waiting for a name.
"Pilar, sir," she supplied.
"Pilar. I'm not sure what it looks like, but I think it's dark forest green with fancy gold writing on the front.
Pilar frowned and shook her head.
"I'm sorry Mr. Crane. I don't believe I've ever seen a photo album of that description before," she told him regretfully. "But I can show you where you keep the other ones."
"Thank you..."
"Pilar," she repeated.
"Pilar. Please, Pilar, can you go get them and bring them to me."
"Yes, Mr. Crane. I'll get them right away."
"Thank you, Pilar. Just take them to my office when you find them...where is my office, by the way?"
"It's that door right over there," Pilar pointed to a door down the hall.
"Thank you, Pilar."
In his office were a variety of photographs. They were dispersed everywhere throughout the room. He examined each and every one of them, frowning as he realized they were all professionally taken. There were no candid pictures anywhere. Julian was very disappointed. He hoped the albums were different.
Pilar soon brought the albums and Julian immersed himself in the family photos. They were not much different than the ones in his office and throughout the house.
Each picture was too well set up. Everyone dressed impeccably refined. Perfectly composed smiles, perfectly poised postures..all professionally done, or made to look that way.
"Where are the pictures of the children playing outdoors, getting incredibly filthy? Where are the women talking and laughing as they socialize with family? Why does this all seem so fake?" he inquired of himself aloud.
Ivy's voice startled him.
"It's the image the Crane's try to maintain. One of perfection...which is nothing but a farce. Those pictures aren't us, Julian, they're what Alistair expects us to be. Perfect, sophisticated, aloof. Superior. But none of us are all of that. That is the problem you see there in those photographs. They give a false image of the Crane family."
Julian tore his gaze from the photographs of pretend perfection, to someone who was, in his own opinion, as close to perfection one can get. She stood in front of him, straight and serene. His wife. He let his gaze drop from her face to her left hand.
It was the hand that held his heart, he was sure of it.
Chapter Nine
Julian and Ivy just stared at each other, neither knowing how to go about breaking the uncomfortable silence that reigned over the room. Each was afraid to make the first move.
Then, they both began speaking at the same time.
"So, how did..."
"Have you..."
They both broke off and started to laugh. The laughter was cut off as they began to stare at each other again. This time the atmosphere was much more light.
"You first, Julian," Ivy gestured to him.
Julian stood up.
"Oh, it's nothing really. I just wanted to know how your meeting went."
Ivy took a step backwards and turned away slightly. She needed to hide the blush that was threatening to take over her face again. She wasn't about to tell him what really happened. Especially about what she and Agatha had discussed after her thoughts had distracted her.
"Oh, it went fine. Agatha and I are organizing a charity dinner for the next month. We mostly discussed, um, just that," Ivy told him, hoping that she sounded sincere.
In reality , Agatha and Ivy had found themselves drawn into a conversation about sex and marriage.
Somehow, with her infamous persistence, Agatha had gotten Ivy to open up about what had made her so flushed earlier.
Ivy was at first appalled that she had even considered talking to Agatha about it. However, Agatha made it seem like it was the most natural thing in the world for two adults to talk about. Ivy soon felt that she could talk to the older woman about anything and everything. It sort of felt like they were best friends or close siblings.
Ivy remembered Agatha's parting words.
"When it feels right between you and your husband, don't worry, go for it."
Ivy surprised herself by considering making love to Julian sometime in the future...but decided that she might do so only after Julian regained his memory. Then again, he might not want her to, with or without his memory.
"What was it that you were about to say to me, Ivy?" Julian's distinguished voice broke into her thoughts.
Ivy spun to face him again.
"I wanted to know if you did anything interesting while I was gone."
Julian cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. How could he tell her what he had been thinking about? He couldn't, of course. Right now, he didn't even want to think about it.
"Nothing really," he said, waving his hand in the air dismissively. "Before I went in search of those photograph albums, I basically just sat and thought."
"About what?"
Julian laughed nervously.
"Nothing you'd be interested in."
"You never know. I just may be."
Julian brushed past her. Ivy lifted her eyes to the ceiling in exasperation.
"So, Ivy, where are our children this evening?" he asked, changing the subject.
Ivy sighed, but let it go. She had been hoping to have another serious conversation with her husband, but if he wasn't up to it, she wasn't going to push.
"Oh, Carly is at her in-law's. Marianna, Lauren and Logan, all went to the Seascape for dinner. Ethan is...somewhere. Probably with Theresa. Why?"
"Just curious, I suppose."
Ivy took a step toward Julian just as he turned to face her. They bumped into each other. They both tensed at the close contact, but weren't able to move an inch. They were caught in a spell. Both could sense something happening between them, but it was a vague feeling. All they could really see at this moment, was each other.
Julian wanted to pull her to him and ravish her mouth with passionate kisses. But he was so afraid of scaring her off. The spell was broken with the sound of the telephone ringing.
Ivy rushed to pick up the phone.
"Hello? Uh, yes. He's with me right now."
Holding her hand over the mouth piece, she held out the receiver. A strange look was on her face.
"It's your father," she whispered.
"My father," Julian asked blankly.
Ivy nodded her head.
"Yes. He wants to check on you to see how you are adjusting."
Julian slowly reached out to grab the receiver. He took a deep breath and shot Ivy an anxiety filled look. It was a look Ivy saw often enough in the past.
A variety of emotions were going through Julian as he held the phone to his ear. One thing stood out the most. The anxiety. It was a familiar sensation.
"Hello?"
