Again I find myself walking this road. My dream of my own child is still there in my heart. I wonder now if I am pregnant again because of this dream or is it just fate. A pre-destined map that our lives follow.

Is it courage or stupidity?

After losing my precious babies I decided that I never wanted to walk that road again, but that is exactly what I am doing again now.

In a lot of ways I am happy in others I am not. I guess if you have experienced a loss it is easier to understand the emotions that re-surface once again.

I'm writing this now because I am at the furthest point I have been in any pregnancy. It gives me new hope that maybe, just maybe things will turn out ok this time. Then again it brings new fears to me also. A fear of the unknown. All the new what ifs.

27-9-2001