[In]sanity Log
March 25, 2002
As I watch all these people in the hall in the morning, I wonder what their lives are like. They all seem so perfect, unlike me. They all have so many friends along with their "little clans". Don't I wish I were one of them. So perfect, so careless. Millions of friends. Instead of sitting here on the floor by my locker, all alone. All these damned people, with absolutely perfect lives. It makes me sick to my stomach. Why must I be the only one who sits here all alone? I ask myself, why? Do I smell or something? Or am I just invisible to all people? People...that word seems like it's going to make me run to the bathroom and throw up my fucking guts out.
Today is a forth over with. I'm still surrounded by imbosols. They all laugh and joke with one another. Still I'm alone. No one has said anything to me today, but that's probably for the best so I don't hurt anyone.
Still, all I see around my pathetic self are just a bunch of fake people. Nothing but fakes. They all act differently to fit in, all the same annoying ways. How lucky I am to be in this wonderful fucking world. (Sarcasm)
Speaking of this "world", everyone in it thinks I'm happy, but I'm not. Outside, I'm a sweet little girl, but inside I'm ready to errupt.
March 26, 2002
Today I feel sad inside. Why? I don't know. On the outside I show a mask of happiness to all the lifeless morons living in this fake world. I sat alone this morning once again, until one of my "so-called" friends awoken me from my anti-social slumber of insanity. I feel as if I need to cut my lifeless hands open to see if I still bleed, to check if I'm still alive in this fucked up sad world that makes me want to hurl up blood on all the "robots" that I see around me. Everyone laughs, talks to one another. They're all happy, perfect little lives, unlike mine. Right now I wish I were in a small dark room with a dagger, a glass of water, and a bottle of sleeping pills...
All these moronic teachers chanting away at useless things that I'll never use in my pathetic life. This day needs to hurry up and get over with, so another day will have pasted and it will be closer to the day I die.
I once thought I was insane. I still ponder that question; am I, or is it just me?
Another thing I ponder is my "so-called" friends. It's like those two are like in their own little world, without me... Now I'm really beginning to believe that those two certain people are actually not my friends. I have my reasons, but I will choose not to explain them.
I've now come to the conclusion that I'm fat. Today is the day I quit eating. I was going to start that yesterday, but I didn't. Damn...
March 27,2002
Today was actually a better day than normal. Except all the stupid morons that surrounded me today and acted like 5 year olds, its quite annoying.
Today at lunch, I drew a bunch of neat pictures. Theyre exciting. Im in an acceptionally good mood =)
*shrugs* well thats all for today.
March 28, 2002
Today was like the usual. Boring and depressing.
Sometimes I wish the world would just completely stop and give me everything that I've always wanted and wished for. But like that's ever going to happen. I want for my life to be perfect, like everyones around me. I want to live the way I'm supposed to live...not like this. I want that hot guy that I'm secretly in love with to tell me that he loves me and we run away together, forever. I want to be thin and pretty. But I guess I'm just dreaming.
I wrote a poem today about the moon and drew a picture along with it. I think its neat.
I dont know what else to write about, so Im out.
Monday, May 6 2002
Sorry to all my loyal fans of my website that I haven't taken the time to update my life story on my site. I apologize greatly.
Nothing too exciting has been going on lately, in my world of insanity if I do say so. Both of my "friends" are in this gigantic fight and I think its quite funny actually, even if I am in the middle of it all.
During physical education today, I was stuck with the "preppy immature little cunts" on my team to play croquet. It was quite unenjoyable. I found myself chatting with one of my ancient ex-best friends. Yes, believe it or not, I was one of their friends at one point in time. Her name is Jessie. We used to play softball together on the same team, and were best of friends right around the age of 10. It was summer of '98 and we were just getting ready for the big middle school ahead of us. She never used to care about being "popular and ostentatious" at that point, but I guess as soon as we did hit that certain stage, she decided she had to be cool and hang out with the cool people. Since I didn't want to follow, that ended our friendship. Anyways, after we played croquet, the team and I unfortuneatly sat down under a tree. They started to chat lively about prom. I wasn't the least interested so I found a twig to amuse myself with since I had no where else to go. After a while I got sick of listening to their profound conversation and led myself to a tree across from them, I felt so awkward sitting there with them since I didn't really fit in with those sort of people. They didn't realize it until it was time to leave. Then they all asked where I went and I politely responded to ask our teacher a question. They nodded and giggled and walked on.
At lunch I sat alone, like always, with my bottle of filtered water and book. They sat across from me at another table, and asked me to join them. Instead of being a crude bitch, I politely accepted their invitation and took a seat. I soon got bored with their petty conversation, and felt extremely out of place wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt while they all had Abercrombie and Fitch and Old Navy stuff. They seemed interested in me, yet, not in fear of me as most of those type are. I finally found myself amused with their odd conversation of sandwiches and boys. I had no idea what these people talked about and I suddenly knew. I became quite confused when they asked me if I like to shop at the buckle. I immediately said no, and they recoiled in fear. I felt odd at that moment and left thinking I was going to be sick. I now know that I do have the right to hate them all of their obsene nature of pop stars and shopping at the buckle and abercrombie and fitch and acting like 4 year olds.
I must go now...my bed awaits my presence to sleep...
October 3, 2002
I know, I know, it has been almost a year since the last time I have written. Nothing has really happened in my poor despicable life. Except that my boyfriend and I have broken up, my choice..why you ask? Well, I'm not telling =P. Well I must leave now.
December 2, 2002
Yes, I've realized that I haven't really been checking in, I've been quite ill over the past few months, and I don't know why. Well anyways, I was just contemplating about how I as myself percieve me, and I thought it was and interesting topic to write about yet alone it was about the best writting I've really done so far so enjoy...
I percieve myself as being someone from another world, no one understands me, yet alone does anyone ever make an effort. I believe to be a very unique person, someone with intelligence yet a vivid imagination. People don't see this though, they just look on the outside rather than digging farther inside me to even see what ostentatiousness I have. From this, I've become a melancholy being filled with such despair I can't even describe. My emotions, ethereal, they're fragile. The littlest things can tear me down and crumble everything to dust. Dust, of my dried tears and anguish of what that person has done to me. I do not mourn over my misfortunes, I feed off them. Becomming a much stronger person than anyone realizes. No one will ever be able to get inside my head, I assure you if they tried they would not succeed. Alas, if they did, they would see what horrors taunt my conscience, the grotesque apathy which I live with every day. I'm able to love, to feel, to live in benevolence, yet, how I regret tryingm and how much pain I felt in succeeding. I'm infatuated with becomming more of a sublime person than I already am. I have the power of achieving any goal I wish, and I will become more than what you see. You're looking through the eyes of myself now, enjoy the blasphemy you will see, yet alone the radiance of who I am, most of all the overwhelming power of my wonderful mind, and the utmost felicitation you will ever encounter....
December 5. 2002
Something can be one way you think all your life, and then in reality it's not. My mom always used to tell me when I was little not to trust anyone, for they would just turn around and stab you in the back. Being the stubborn person I am, I refused not to listen and ended up learning the hard way. Through my life experiances, I've learned about certain types of people, but mostly they're all the same in an odd sort of way. You think someone can be your best friend at times they care for you and are always there and no matter how much they treat you like shit you just keep running back to them. They can make you cry let alone make you the happiest person alive; they're the world to you. You have the most grandest times together then in an instant its all lost into oblivion. Now they're just that asshole you once saw in them before, yet you still can't get them out of your mind and they haunt your every thought and dream. There's just something about that certain person that just will not part with you and there's something inside you that connects with it like paper and glue. You feel so empty inside without them by your side anymore. You always think why does it have to be this way, why did I ever trust you, and why are you this kind of person? They only know the answers. Maybe its just because they're the weaker of the two, they're scared of what it might become if it went farther, then they don't know what they had until it was gone. And they don't also realize what they've done to that person. Then there's another type of person. The ones who do actually love you and care for you, but you just don't seem to want them in your life anymore. You'll never realize what you have done to that person that once loved you, even though you run back to them nothings ever the same anymore. It's like a fire that's burned inside you both since the day you met, it keeps growing and growing, then as soon as you break it off it lessens until its nothing but ash then it can't be rebuilt any longer. Then you just finally realize what the two of you actually had then everything's gone then your the type of person that I just described. Sometimes people just don't understand other people and how they feel then you just smash them down as if they were an insect, and that just stays with them for the rest of their lives. But with you, it's gone tomorrow and everything's back to normal. Too bad we all just couldn't get inside other people's mind and know what they're thinking then maybe we all we stop and think about others and maybe those "smashers" would finally realize what assholes they really are and what they have done. Those are the two types of people that I have encountered. One made a grave impact on me, and I'll probably never think the same way about them again and just the way they made me feel and how it still effects me after all this time and I don't think they even care what they have done, now it's just nothing at all anymore, everything's gone....
December 9, 2002
For I have found bliss and benevolence somewhere deep inside my melancholy self. For what radiance has become of me over these past few days. I have found a friend, more than a friend on the contrary, for he fills me with such joy. I never knew what I had until it was gone and so once again have I found this place of belonging. And how does he care for me, I've never experianced someone with such love and understanding towards myself from another. 'Tis a wonder to me how I can love back from all the pain I've felt. And what great benevolence fills me with such compassion. Am I full now? Is the emptiness gone? For I do say so in such sublime words and feelings from my emotions that have just overcome myself. I want to cry yet I want to laugh and smile, its just wonderful to me....
June, 21, 2003
I honestly do not know what to write about anymore...I feel so alone, lost, everything's in just black and white. Too many thoughts, too many memories; yet it's only been at least 2 years...and how it seems like everything only happened a week ago. This summer I have turned 16 years of age. How odd it seems to me to be this old now, only yesterday was I still 14 and in middle school, how I miss my innocense. Yet; how I don't. Everything right now is so vague, yet how so clear. I have made friends over this past 6 months and lost them. Only 2, but hey, it's a start. My recent friend, I'll only comment on is that she doesn't understand me and gets very upset with me at times. She's a good person in every way, yet; she's just not the type of person that makes a good friend towards me. It intrigs me every way possible to see how people can change so much, yet through my eyes not change at all. At times I wish people could just jump inside me and see everything through me and how I perceive the world and then they can decifer me from that. But, of course, none of that is possible, just daydreams.
