Song of the Sages by Bronol
Scene 1
A dark castle. The wind blows cruelly and coldly, straight from the Pole (Mr Pole). At the tallest room in the tallest tower, a fiendish witch clenched her fingers around the throat of Horrible Hughes, her henchperson. This witch was the most feared in the land of Lloyd, because she was VERY…happy.
Madame de Goulde was just now in the process of TORTURING her HENCHPERSON.
Madame de Goulde
… I told you to get me Tasty Trenton! Why didn’t you? Are you upset? Do you want to talk?
Horrible Hughes
Noooo! Ack, gack, no talking!
Madame de Goulde
That’s not a very positive approach. Do you know what I do to late people who don’t have a positive approach?
Horrible Hughes
Gargle…
Madame de Goulde
No. I don’t GARGLE at them. I… (da da da dum) CHEER them UP!
Horrible Hughes
(tortured scream) AAOUOUGHNH!
Scene 2
A happy, perky village. Maiden Claire looks desirable as she washes Captain Beatrice’s socks.
Maiden Claire
La la la. Nothing can possible go wrong.
Master Sangers
BOO!
Maiden Claire
Oh shit!
Master Sangers
Good Maiden Chloe…
Maiden Claire
Claire
Master Sangers
Can you tell me where to find the most desirable – er, DASTARDLY hero CAPTAIN BEATRICE!?
Maiden Claire
No. Git stuffed you looney pervert.
Master Sangers
Good Maiden Claire, such foul words profane thy mouth divine.
Maiden Claire
… huh? Speaking the English?
Master Sangers
For each day that passes does mine heart expand in it’s ardor for thee, my one, my only, for my heterosexual love for thee does know no bounds.
Maiden Claire
So that’s your game ay? Well I’ll be off then…
(Maiden Claire exits.)
Master Sangers
Oh, if she would only…
(Captain Beatrice enters. He wears a pink brocada vest with a “B” emblazoned on the front. His black locks move in the wind, as if caressed by the God of love. His freckles glow in passion, and he has some problems walking in his red spangly high heels.)
Captain Beatrice
Ahoy there brethren!
Master Sangers begins to stutter and has to sit down for a moment.)
Master Sangers
My Captain… My…
Captain Beatrice
There is no time for words.
Master Sangers
(gets up and moves towards Captain Beatrice, a strange light in his eyes)
…There isn’t?
(he moves to embrace Captain Beatrice.)
Captain Beatrice
(fends him off)
No. We must away!
Master Sangers
Yes, lets elope!
Captain Beatrice
Eerm no… let’s go and save valiant Tasty Trenton from the fiendish grasp of the demon Madame de Goulde.
Master Sangers
Er, ok.
Scene 3
The disco of death.
(Inside a disco. Tasty Trenton, Bearded Brent and Maiden Claire boogie to Resin Dogs. Suddenly a door swings open.)
Bearded Brent
No! Ack! Natural light! (shields self)
(In the doorway, Captain Beatrice and Master Sangers stand. Master Sangers bops his head to the music, which is village people.)
Captain Beatrice
Get out, brethren! It’s not safe!
Tasty Trenton
Boogie wit us, Bro!
Captain Beatrice
The evil Madame de Goulde will trap you! This disco is (da da da dum) HAPPY!
Bearded Brent (stops dancing)
How do you mean?
Captain Beatrice
I mean you are being irradiated by Happy Vibes!
Maiden Claire
Erk! That makes people get HAPPY CANCER!
Captain Beatrice
Yes, Maiden Claire, my sister. It causes happy cancer, the plague of the land of Lloyd.
Maiden Claire (notices Master Sangers)
Hey, aren’t you supposed to be cracking on to me?!
Master Sangers
Oh yes. OK, erm, “summer breeze”…or “day”, I don’t remember…
Maiden Claire
Get over it!
Captain Beatrice
As resident hero I command y’all to get out of here quick!
All
OK! (but as the group runs to the door, the music changes. Saturday night fever comes on.)
Captain Beatrice (stops, looks around)
Wait!…The BeeGees!
Master Sangers
Lets Boogie! (They all start doing the Saturday Night fever dance.) (The door slams shut. They are trapped.) (The are too busy dancing to notice.)
Scene 4
(Madame de Goulde sits in a control room, looking at the discoers, via TV screen. Her henchperson hunches in the corner, depressed and miserable, forced to read a book called “How to cheer the fuck up.”)
Madame de Goulde
Aha, we have trapped them! They are ours! Mwahaha!
(Horrible Hughes gibbers in fright)
Now we will infect them with the Happy Cancer and they will DIE! (or at least suffer a lot.) …. Ahem. Horrible, that’s your cue to say – Master, you are sooo evil”, (Horrible Hughes gargles again.)
Madame de Goulde
And the I will eliminate all competition. By killing these few most beautiful people in the world, I will finally be able to seduce the Prince and become QUEEN!
Horrible Hughes
Firemen….ass….hot….
Madame de Goulde
Enough of your insane babble. We have work to do!
Scene 5
Amazing Alex
Oh, Boisterous Bronnie, I know you have given your heart to Legolas Green leaf of the Sindorin Elves. But can you ever find anyone to love me, Alex Lloyd, King of Lloydland?
Chagrined Chatty
Your Amazingness, I can help there.
Boisterous Bronnie
He asked ME, you maggot.
Chagrined Chatty
Shove it. Stupid shrewt, why don’t you go and drool over Legolas!
Boisterous Bronnie
I’m starting to feel boisterous!
Chagrined Chatty
I’m starting to feel chagrined! (Chatty and Bronnie pull out machine guns and start shooting licorice bullets at each other)
Amazing Alex
Enough, children! As much as I enjoy watching your bitchfight, we have a problem to solve.
Chagrined Chatty
Yes, if x=y, and 2x+3t+7x+4.5=y, how many cabbages can fit in a glass of Hi-lo milk? Hi-lo-drink healthy, live healthy.
Boisterous Bronnie
Seven!
Amazing Alex
No! You cretins. I need somebody, I need a lover and a good love too!
Chagrined Chatty
Plagiarism!
Boisterous Bronnie
Yeah. Why are you singing Bardot?
Amazing Alex
Sorry.
Boisterous Bronnie
I think I have an idea.
Chagrined Chatty
Does it involve toilet paper, seventeen M&Ms and some explosives?
Boisterous Bronnie
….no….
Chagrined Chatty
Well it can’t be a very good idea then. I think we should blow up stiff and then get completely off our faces. On sugar, of course… (not that Chatty would say this!)
Boisterous Bronnie
I was thinking we could go to Baskin Robbins and get choc chip cookie dough ice cream cones!
Chagrined Chatty
What a great idea! (They leave)
Amazing Alex (gazes into space)
All I want is a girl with red hair, blue eyes, a beautiful face and as many freckles as smiles!
Scene 6 Disco of Death (still) (after dancing for over a day our hero is tired. He collapses panting.)
Captain Beatrice
Can’t…dance…(gasp)…dying…
Tasty Trenton
Come on Beatrice, the party’s just beginning!
Maiden Claire
They have been bewitched by Madame de Goulde! They will never stop dancing!
Captain Beatrice
You’re right Claire. I’ll have to defeat Madame de Goulde to set my friends free. Will you help me?
Maiden Claire
OK, but only if you promise never to fart again.
Captain Beatrice
Whatever. To the Goulde fortress! (He runs at the wall in an attempt to escape but smacks his head and falls over.)
Maiden Claire
Use the door, brethren boy. (She walks through a door which de Goulde forgot to close.)
Scene 7 The Royal Palace
Boisterous Bronnie
Your Amazingness, you have a visitor! (The door opens. In walks Madame de Goulde. She wears a bad red wig and has coloured her eyes blue with magic markers.)
Chagrined Chatty
Behold, the amazingly beautiful Alison Airhead!
Amazing Alex
Oh, she is the girl of my dreams! (MGF burst in)
Pinky B
The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares…
Amazing Alex
Yuk! Remove them from my presence! (They are removed forcefully.)
Madame de Goulde
Greetings great Lloyd.
Amazing Alex
Enough! I must have her! Let’s get married this moment! (Boisterous and Chagrined run to help with the preparations.)
Boisterous Bronnie
Priest! Cash! Credit card! Flowers!
Chagrined Chatty
Food! Drinks! Music! Guests!
Amazing Alex
Hurry, my minions! We must marry this second!
(Boisterous and Chagrined get so flustered they have simultaneous heart attacks and collapse.)
Amazing Alex
Fine, I’ll do it myself. (to Goulde) sorry, there will be a slight delay…
Madame de Goulde
Fine! That’s okay, my love. Anything for you…(Alex Leaves) Curses! That oaf will ruin it all!
Amazing Alex (from off stage)
I heard that!
Madame de Goulde
Er, sorry my love.
Amazing Alex
That’s ok, dearest.
Scene 8 (Idyllic countryside)
(Maiden Claire strolls with her bro Beatrice)
Maiden Claire
Please tell Sangers to stop trying to seduce me.
Captain Beatrice
Seduce you! The tow timing bastard!
Maiden Claire
What?
Captain Beatrice
He keeps trying to seduce me!
(A psychiatrist appears out of thin air and begins randomly analysing Sangers.)
Psychiatrist
Sangers cracks onto Maiden Claire only to feign conventional love and to conceal his latent homosexual feelings for Captain Beatrice. (disappears)
Maiden Claire
…ah! OK!
(a chick in black leather rides past the pair on a Ducati.)
Captain Beatrice
Oh, she’s hot!
Maiden Claire
Yes, that’s Jemima the Jolly, terror of all Lloydland’s gourmet pastry shops.
Captain Beatrice
She smells like Chanel No.5.
Maiden Claire
But where are we going?
Captain Beatrice
Well, I had a dream last night.
Maiden Claire
You didn’t sleep last night, you danced.
Captain Beatrice
Shut up, it’s convention. Anyway, a pink unicorn revealed to me that Madame de Goulde trapped us because we are the most beautiful people in Lloydland. With us out of the way she’s free to seduce Prince Alex and become Queen. If we go to the palace we can rescue Alex and kill Madame de Goulde in the same blow.
Maiden Claire
What’s in it for you?
Captain Beatrice
Well, he has a very gorgeous sister called Gertrude. I’d like to get my teeth into her!
Maiden Claire
Eww! But why is His Amazingness going to marry Madame de Goulde?
Captain Beatrice
The Pink Unicorn says he’s looking for an iguana with red hair, blue eyes, a beautiful face and as many freckles as smiles.
Maiden Claire
Iguana?
Captain Beatrice
Yeah, I wondered about that too. I think he meant woman.
Maiden Claire
Well that’s me!
Captain Beatrice
Er, yeah. But leave Gertrude to me.
Scene 9
The royal Palace, Claire and Beatrice arrive to find Boisterous and Chagrined hacking at each other with blunt knives.
Chagrined Chatty
Mullah! (hack)
Boisterous Bronnie
Rabbi! (hack)
Chagrined Chatty
Mullah! (hack)
(Captain Beatrice approaches the pair of crazed midgets)
Captain Beatrice
Could you two crazed midgets tell us where to find His Amazingness?
Boisterous Bronnie
Hey, watch who you call midgets!
Chagrined Chatty
Shut up ya frikkin cod.
Boisterous Bronnie
How dare you tell me to shut up you mouldy piece of fruitcake!
(They hack each other more)
(Beatrice and Claire notice a signpost saying “To the King/Prince/Head dude” and follow it.)
Amazing Alex
Hello you two. What can I do for you?
Captain Beatrice
Don’t marry her! She’s evil!
Amazing Alex
OK. (starts strangling himself.)
Maiden Claire
Oh no, Madame de Goulde has bewitched him into killing himself whenever he agrees not to marry her! Stop him!
(Gertrude then enters the room. Her beautiful body looks a bit gross because she has a beard.) (Beatrice goes weak at the knees and starts mumbling.)
Oh god! I’ll do it myself! (Madame de Goulde enters and Claire takes a flying leap at her. She karate chops Madame de Goulde and then pokes her in the eye.
Maiden Claire
Take that, vile happy fiend!
Madame de Goulde
Oh no! (falls over) (Claire takes out a lettuce and stabs her to death with it.) (she dies)
Amazing Alex
Oh! (falls over in pain) (Claire runs to his side)
Maiden Claire
What is it, my love?
Amazing Alex
I am dying of Happy Cancer!
Maiden Claire
Oh no! How can I save you?
Amazing Alex
True love’s…first kiss…(they kiss. The spell is broken. Claire and Alex fall in love.) Let’s get married!
Maiden Claire
OK! (Boisterous and Chagrined crawl in, hacked to pieces but still alive)
Boisterous Bronnie
We decided on a rabbi.
Chagrined Chatty
We did not! (They take grenades out of their pockets and throw them at each other. They simultaneously explode.)
Amazing Alex
I’m cured!
(Horrible Hughes appears out of a box)
Horrible Hughes
In case you’re wondering, this is how it all turned out…
…Alex and Claire got married and live happily ever after.
…Master Sangers expressed his love for Beatrice but was turned down, so he joined a Discoers’ Anonymous group where he and Tasty Trenton admitted their true feelings and eloped to Hawaii.
…Jemima established her own Pastry shop and became a multinational, squashed all competition, started a world war, was tried for war crimes and ended up setting up her own label.
…Bearded Brent discoed until he collapsed with exhaustion and went to the great dancehall in the sky.
…Madame de Goulde was left to rot in a pile of rubbish.
…Captain Beatrice married Gertrude but found out she was actually a man. He loved her/him so much however, that they stayed together and had 3 puppies. (bought, not conceived.)
…Chagrined Chatty and Boisterous Bronnie had so maimed each other that they had to spend the rest of their lives in adjacent buckets (insulting each other)
…And Horrible Hughes joined a firestation so she could watch the fireman…asses…hot….
THE END!
