Jokes
Jokes Page 35
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"
somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused tha mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"
Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."
A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain.
The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.
The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away.
Next, the red head jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away.
Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "SHIT!"
Cajun Storm Windows
One hot July day Boudreaux saw a commercial on television for Cajun Home Improvements, which was advertising the energy-saving benefits of storm
windows. After talking it over with his wife Marie, they decided that it would be good to have them installed on their home in greater downtown
Breaux Bridge.
The following December, on a cold day, a policeman knocked on Boudreaux's door, slapped handcuffs on him, threw him into the back seat of his police car, and took him to jail.
A few days later, Boudreaux appeared in court before Judge Thibodeaux. Judge Thibodeaux looked across the courtroom at Boudreaux and asked him if he knew why he had been brought to court. Boudreaux responded that he
had no idea. Judge Thibodeaux told Boudreaux it was because he hadn't yet sent Cajun Home Improvements the money for the installation of his new storm windows.
Boudreaux responded, 'Mais Judge, da reason why I ain't send dem any money is cause, before I bought dem windows, de salesman told me dat in 6 months dey would pay for demselves!'
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign 'Speedbird 206') after landing:
Speedbird 206: 'Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.'
Ground: 'Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!'
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?'
Speedbird 206 (cooly): 'Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but I didn't stop.'
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
Further proof has it that the long term implications of sex drugs and procedures must be fully considered....
Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants, penis implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's. In a few years we will have a lot of people running around with huge breasts and long dicks
who won't remember what to do with them.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth
Farting, defined once and for all. Which one are you?
1. The Vain Person: - One who loves the smell of his own farts.
2. The Amiable Person: - One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.
3. The Proud Person: - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
4. The Shy Person: - One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
5. The Impudent Person: - One who farts loudly and then laughs.
6. The Scientific Person: - One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
7. The Unfortunate Person: - One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
8. The Nervous Person: - One who stops in the middle of a fart.
9. The Honest Person: - One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
10. The Dishonest Person: - One who farts and then blames the dog.
11. The Foolish Person: - One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
12. The Thrifty Person: - One who always has several farts in reserve.
13. The Antisocial Person: - One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
14. The Strategic Person: - One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
15. The Sadistic Person: - One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.
16. The Intellectual Person: - One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
17. The Athletic Person: - One who farts at the slightest exertion.
18. The Miserable Person: - One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.
19. The Sensitive Person: - One who farts and then bursts into tears.
20. The Bruiser: - One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt checks.
After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for
Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.
Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities.
Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off
her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was
horrified to find the gift checks which she had forgotten to enclose. (Ooooops!!!)
