Jokes Page 2
This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.
One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with ten beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask 'How are you today?' Tell them! 'I'm
so glad you asked because no one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...'
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy! Is that you? Oh my
gosh, Judy, how have you been?' Hopefully, this will
give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to
figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice
as you can, 'I don't have any friends ... would you be
my friend?'
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on 'home
incarceration' and ask if they could bring you a case
of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask
him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered,
tell them that you could not just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment
and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone
number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their
home number, you say, 'Ok, and since I didn't give you MY home number, we'll be EVEN when you take me off YOUR list.'
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon,
playing a joke. 'Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously,
Leon, how's your momma?'
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to
write EVERY WORD down.
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the steering wheel, driving in the left lane at 35 on the Interstate with the left blinker on: Florida.
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!'
Tony says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!'
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.'
'Oh, yeah...I almos' forgot, he crapped in my pants, too.'
RULES FOR MEN
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are
stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Passing gas is a normal and necessary bodily function. It in no way creates a requirement to leave the room.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing tight low-cut tops lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
1. More women should wear tight low-cut tops. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?
DRUGS, AND THEIR EFFECTS:
ECSTASY
How you think you behave:
Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave :
Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid:
30%... Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe".
How you feel in the morning :
Like you should have gone for the sex. (Or if you are a good dancer, That you did **snuff)
Embarrassment rating :
6/10...Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don't like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just
might call.
MARIJUANA
How you think you behave:
You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave :
Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge-freezer (or a 2 by 4) combination.
Likelihood of getting laid :
60%....If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning :
Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating :
1/10... You are moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to do anything stupid.
ALCOHOL
How you think you behave:
Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave :
Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend's date.
Likelihood of getting laid :
90%...Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning :
Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating :
11/10...Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.
COCAINE
How you think you behave:
You are smart, irresistible and want to "do lunch" with everyone.
How you actually behave :
Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul to the devil.
Likelihood of getting laid :
80%...It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it.
How you feel in the morning :
Like the apeman.
Embarrassment rating :
0/10 if there's more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn't.
ACID or SHROOMS
How you think you behave:
You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave :
In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid :
20%...Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with him/her changing into a furry animal/ the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning :
Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley's The Doors of Perception."
Embarrassment rating :
0/10...You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.
