Hi I am a manic depressive! My diagnosis is Rapid cycling Bipolar 1 disorder.
My story is pretty common among those with the disease I have. Yes this is a disease
I was an average student in school academically; a loner socially. I married young. My first marriage was a failure and ended in a divorce.
I did not get diagnosed with my disorder till I was in my second marriage. This is not uncommon for people with depressive disorders. They either get diagnosed late or misdiagnosed.
I am recieveing help, but things still don't always go right. Getting the medications right and me opening up to a counciler after years of hiding
Is Not Easy.Is it worth the struggle? I say yes. It is also worth the time and effort to learn more and more about my problem.
I am not "nuts". I am not incapable of working, learning, or being. I am me!! I have a problem.
There I got all that out. I feel better. What I am saying is that I don't need to be stigmatised. Though it often happens. I don't need to be pitied. I am a child of God.
I live a "normal" life.
My Story:
I am doing this page during a phase of mania. (Yes I still go through the phases) I try to control my actions now because to not control them could cause me to loose everything I live for.
In this I mean I could end up in a divorce again and loose my beautiful children. My mind is raceing. My fingers are trying to take up some of this raceing. I know that I will soon plateau and live a "normal" life for a while. Then I will either go back up into a mania or fall into a depression.
I am getting help, but help is not necessarily a cure. You cannot cure this disorder! You can put it into remission. But it can pop up again for seemingly no reason.
Things may seem half done in here. This is common with manic disorders. The mind goes 900 miles an hour then just shuts down. Life can be "interesting" when you look back at what has gone on and what has happened in the life of a manic.
It is very hurtfull and scarey for the one living it though. Don't pity me. I don't need pity. I need people to understand what I live through. I need them to love me for me and not condem me because of my mistakes, sometimes I am not in control. Sometimes I really don't know what I am doing.
After I wrote the above I was hospitalized. Not something
I really wanted to do, but I knew that with each day I was
in mania I was driving my family further and further
away. I was lucky in that I got into a respit care
facility. Not everywhere do they have such places many
have to go to a regular mental hospital. My medications
have been changed and so far they seem to be working.
I feel human again. I don't feel like I'm in a constant
panic and I don't feel like I need to sleep my life away.
I want to do stuff. I look forward to doing stuff. I am
reading again, something I haven't done in about 3 years.
I want real meals. Not just fat and junk. I know I'm
someone special with a special purpose on this earth.
I will continue to work on this page as I go through the stages of my remission. I keep praying every day that God will bless someone with the knowledge needed to cure this illness. I also pray I didn't wait too long to go into the hospital and get help and that I have saved myself and my family with my actions. It was a really hard thing to do but, if it helps me to keep my family it was worth it.
Well here I am again, It has been months since I worked on this particular page, but now i have news that belongs here not on my other pages. I have come to the realization that i have other "problems". These problems are more than likely brought on by my bipolar from what i have been told. I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I just came to realize that a few nights ago while at a meeting with a friend of mine and was on the phone in short order with my psyc. to get more info. I found out that often bipolars will turn to drugs and alcohol as a way of numbing the pain they feel mentally. So now I'm on the road with a new battle, one many a bipolar has been down before and I intend to be successful at this one too. Will be back again. Best wishes to those who read and sorry so sporadic.
