It is so easy to doubt a werewolf.

I doubt myself.

I thought taking Severus' potion would allow me to become more... human,
more...trustworthy. Instead, it made me careless. One moment of...terror?
delight? and I forget the full moon, I forget the potion, I forget those
I may harm, I rush off...

Ultimately, what did I accomplish?

Nothing.

I have lost my position here - the only job I have ever held, a job I
have learned to love passionately.

I have lost Albus' trust, as I knew I would, for my lack of honesty
about the Marauders.

I have lost the trust of the other instructors, even Hagrid and Minerva,
as, of course, I should, for endangering the students.

I have lost the respect of my students. Or, rather, those students who
did not already despise me, as Malfoy's friends do, for my lack of
background and money.

All of which I rightly deserve.

The look of fear on their faces last night, the betrayal they felt, is
seared into my soul.

I must never forget I am a Dark Creature, not human, a danger to all I love.

I may look human on the outside. I may fool them for awhile, but sooner
or later I slip up, as I must have with Sirius, and they leave, as
they must, for their own sake.

I was so good while it lasted.

I shall never have children of own. James' boy, Harry, and his friends, filled
that empty longing for a little while. Perhaps they shall forgive me
some day, for my deception.

Hermione...she actually trusted me, for a short while. She knew about me,
yet she trusted me, as James and Sirius ( I shall not name that other)
did, until, like them, she realized how wrong she was to trust a werewolf.

Oh, she listed other reasons, but in the end it was the fact I am a
werewolf that caused her fear and broke her rust.

And Ron - the fear and loathing on his face. I shall never forget it. I
broke his trust, as well. The professor he trusted to help him became
more dangerous than his abductor.

I could have killed them all in my carelessness.

Even Sirius.

Look at me. I'm shaking.

Oh, god, I touched him last night, for the first time in almost fifteen years.

I hugged him. He let me call him friend.

We almost had him - Peter.

We could have cleared Sirius' name.

Harry would have been able to live with Sirius. He could have gotten
away from the Dursley's...

I know why Albus wants him there. He's protected by blood, but surely
the protection of a sworn godfather would have been nearly as strong.
That's a sacred blood oath!

Perhaps, I could have visited...

I ruined all that.

They can never forgive me.

I love him. I love him so much, and I have missed him so fiercely for so long.

Even now my body remembers his kisses, his touch, the way his hands
could drive to frenzy.

I remember the way his body felt within me, moving, giving me pain and
pleasure and ecstasy.

Giving me joy.

My heart remembers how good it was to rest securely, knowing one person
would always love me, always believe in me.

I lost all that long ago. I was unworthy then, as I am now.

As I proved last night.

Those things are for humans.

But maybe, if I try very hard, he'll let me be his friend. Perhaps he'll
let me fight with him.

I won't ask much, just to be near him, to...touch him in friendship
sometimes, to talk to him.

He needs someone to watch his back. I could do that.

I won't let memories get in the way.

When he finds someone else...I'll be happy for him. I will.

He needs someone to love him, care for him. He's been through too much.

I just want to do that, for a little while, if he'll let me.

I love him so much.

Where is he?