July 1, 2000
HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 2, 2000
Had a dedication of a plaque for my grandfather this morning. He's got the shiniest one of the whole bunch!! Afterwards was the "family reunion" (although I wouldn't call it that). Now I've met some of the other side of the family it seems I'm now cornered into visiting more often .... this will be interesting. Either way it was an interesting day.
July 4, 2000
Happy Independance Day to my sister and brother-in-law. ;-) Had a great day today. Went to Fairview and met up with a pleasant surprise. Unexpected meetings with friends are also the best. Then onto some more exciting activities. Watching a soccer game was fun (bet those girls had no idea what happened to their ref just a half hour or so before the game). Almost but not so we're even. Interesting kitchen pets - never heard of a mouse living under a dishwasher but then ..... Either way it was a good (great) evening - thanks a bunch!!! Yet I still wonder - Have you ever been asked to do something that you'd like to try just for the sake of trying but are leery on doing it? What's with that? You've got this conflicting emotion occuring and you're not so sure which one to answer to. If you say yes it will all be nice but then .... if it's not exactly what you expect it to be then .... It would be so nice to be able to do as you're asked but then there's always a voice in the back of your mind.... Either way I guess it's something everybody has gone through. It's just annoying to be in the middle of this ... decision? ... dilemma? ... I don't know what the word it. I used to go through that when I was little. I'd want to do two things at once but couldn't so I'd have to decide which one I wanted to do the most. I guess if I have a choice now I'll pick the easier of the two. Bah ... too much thinking for tonight I think. I've been told that I think too much ... I guess that proves to be true. Oh - my dress was a hit!!! The one and only time I will wear it out in public for no special occasion ... but I think it was worth it. Everyone liked it ;-)
July 5, 2000
I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking.
I'm thinking things I never thought I'd be thinking.
I'm tempted to do things I shouldn't be doing.
I'm tempted to do things I never thought I'd want to be doing.
I'm seeing red spots, fluttering when I think.
What are you doing to me?
July 6, 2000
Happy 26th Anniversary to my parents!! ;-) Went to the Jazz Festival last night with a friend. It was really fun. Dancing in the streets ... if only the freaks wouldn't dance with me. I had two guys come up to me while I was there. It must be my "beautiful smile" ... yeah whatever you say .... My new key phrase is "Merci boocoup" ... had to be there - it was funny at the time.
July 7, 2000
Thanks for sharing 3 months with me ;-)
July 12, 2000
Well my day started off just great ... I got called a byatch by a complete stranger at 1 in the morning. The nerve of him!! I'm so insulted. Then on the way home tonight I met up with a long lost friend. Well sorta long lost. But I must admit I really can't hate him because he was pleasant to me for a little while. But then old habits don't die easy and he is still the same person as before .... Earlier this evening I was thinking how it would be so nice if life was like a movie. Each scene would go by with the perfect background music and all the right endings would happen. My scene would show me studying hard and really working to get the grades I want and then being lifted in the air and twirled around by my boyfriend when I come home with the best grade ever. He'd be there with me as I opened to mail to see the final grade I got and we celebrate, me high up in his arms looking down at him as we turn and turn ... the music would stop and we laugh and continue onto the next. But I'd probably get a "That's good. Told you you could do it" instead. Not that it's a bad thing but sometimes it would be nice to always come out the winner at the end. I once told somebody it's really depressing how I'm trying so hard to keep above water but I only get high enough long enough to catch a breath before I go under again and start struggling all over. At least in the movies you see them struggle, catch their breath, and maybe go under again but the next time they surge out and above to the top. It looks so easy then. If only ....
July 14, 2000
Well I got my hair cut today. I must say it eventually looked nice. But it's an easier length maybe. At least now I can straighten it with less hassal. I went in the pool for the first time this summer today. Yes I know that's a big accomplishment, but we haven't had great "pool party" weather so I do get some credit here. My mom took 2 pictures of me ... the things people take photos of .... Of course the minute I went in there, was a cold breeze and not a single ray of sunlight shining down on me. Then after the clap of thunder the sun came out. Hmm ... we are having weird weather aren't we?
July 17, 2000
I'M GOING TO SEE TINA TURNER'S LAST CONCERT!!!!! My mom went today and got us tickets to go. Huge accomplishment for both of us really. My mom's one and only concert she's gone to was Kenny Rogers, and I've only been to (not even sure if it counts as a concert really ...) Sharon, Lois, and Bram when I was six. My mom says I was younger than that so that even makes it worse!! But I'm going to a concert on the 28th of September!!! Tina Turner's last one too. A friend of ours says that it's probably going to be the best concert we'll ever got to. My mom thinks it will be her last too. Here's hoping it's not my last either. Joe Cocker is opening for her too so that's going to be amazing too. I can't wait. It's only 10 weeks away ....
July 19, 2000
I was told that my low self esteem and low confindence level was somewhat bothersome. So I started re-evealuating myself. I began to notice that I did question myself but I was never the one to instigate the doubt. Others around me were the ones responsible for me second guessing myself. I'm not trying to put the blame on other parties but this is how it seems. I would be innnocently left out of a get together with my friends and asked "how come they didn't invite you?". I would ponder that possibly I wasn't home to get the phone call, maybe it was a last minute thing and a few friends were forgotten. "But you were the only one who didn't hear about it. Were they doing it behind your back? Why would they leave you out?" And this would conntinue until I would also be left thinking "What kind of friends are these?" When in reality it was one of my original excuses. I introduced my boyfriend to my friends at a drinking party. Not the best thing to do for a first meeting, but it happened. It was an interesting evening I must say. I was a bit upset that he had to go through with it but nonetheless we survived it. Until the next day when I was asked if he was still talking to me. "Yeah, why wouldn't he?" Apparently, as they would soon get me thinking as well, who would want to continue being friends or going out with me when I subject them to a disasterous party as a first meeting? Who would do that to somebody? I obviously did and therefore was the culprit. Luckily, for both him and I, he didn't think that way and after all my second guessing and his reassurances it all worked out pretty well. I know there are other examples, but I will not share them. It seems that I don't lose my convidence in the people near me that I care about until I am questioned about them. But my convidence about myself is another matter. I was never the popular type but I usually had friends. Yet I still cringed when it came time for me to eat in the cafeteria alone or walk past a crowd all by my lonesome. I have improved though. I can now eat alone, walk alone, be with myself without thinking others are laughing and moking me. I can talk out and make friends on my own. Well maybe ... but now instead of it being a result of low self esteem or low convidence, I attribute it to shyness. I think that is the best explaination for it. I used to say I am a long time sufferer of low self esteem. I think I can proudly say "I WAS a long term sufferer of low self esteem!" Now I'm just shy or perhaps quiet in new situations. Yet I still get bouts of self doubt. This evening I was questioned again. I was asked why I was in science. Why am I? As my past academic records will prove I'm not a genius in it but I always managed to get by. Yet to get back a test and the teacher hand it to you while asking why are you bothering? You're wasting my time you ignorant being and lowering my class average. I know (and you do too) that those were not his words but it seemed like that. He asked me "Do you study? Why are you in science?'" What can a person say to that? Here I was all preparing myself to accept it gracefully but no he had to ruin it for me. I was on the verge of something that I never want to do. I wanted to turn from his penetrating gaze and leave the room, bury my head into the shoulder of a special somebody and just let it out. But I stood my ground and took his probing gaze, his directing questions, and his (worst of all) exasperated tone. I felt like I was in his way, I was a trouble to him. He wants me to come to him and ask questions now? I think not. I do need the help but who really wants to help the hopeless? But he did tell me I had "a chance" with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. "Thank you, sir," as I turned and left. Yet you tell me it's bothersome? It's not me I tell you ... it's them who pull me down ... sometimes it's really hard to get back up again and I need you ... I need the reassurances sometimes ... maybe that's why I do it to myself to hear the contradictions others will relay ....
July 20, 2000
First I will say Happy 18th Birthday to a friend who's been dying to get to that mark I'm sure .... Went to the Just for Laugh's Festival after class today. It was fun!! I bought some sugar free Jelly Belly jelly beans so that was a highlight of the night. There were more but that's one of them. I also have a Just for Laugh's mascot beanie baby thingy that's cute. He's at my computer desk now. I think he'll stay there for awhile. The one downer of the night was that I had to negoitiate for my gift. It's funny how the closer you get the more upset you get instead of getting mad. Wasn't mad this time .... Then on the way home I was told that I have a face that smiles. Even if I'm not smiling it still looks like I am. Isn't that sweet? Kinda creepy if you think about how it's a strange man who says he's seen me before on the metro and wondered if I was a student or coming home from work, who told me this, but his compliment was really a nice thing for me to hear at the time.
July 24, 2000
Just goes to show you how dedicated I am. I am probably one of the largest procrastinators out there. I have a huge final on the 27th (exactly 3 days away). It is probably the exam that will decide my future. If I pass I'm okay, if I fail by a little I'm maybe okay, if I fail by alot I'm dead. This whole weekend was supposed to be dedicated to study for my final so I can pass with a good mark. Instead on Friday I went out and celebrated a friend's birthday. Saturday I watched t.v while doing my notes and as a friend came over to visit I had my notes with me. Then Sunday I cut grass, took a bath and washed my hair, and did some notes while at the computer. I will admit that this weekend really sucked for studying, but I did get to hang out with friends, earn some money and I got this done too. Enjoy. ;-)
July 26, 2000
Something I just could not pass up .... oh and by the way being only 24% slutty is cleaner than 86%of the world and I'm only 14% sluttier than the world... I knew I was sooo not slutty. ;-)
July 29, 2000
It was an interesting day. The morning/early afternoon was pretty good, the late afternoon wasn't the best but had to be done, and the evening made up for the whole day. I do find it amusing how after my "taking a break" talk I ended up playing pool with the guys and going to the pub. One would think it would be the other half doing this but apparently not. Guess we're excentric ... But hanging out with the guys isn't too bad ... you learn a few new things ... eventually I might get the hang of playing pool. ;-)