(from "Round Here" by Counting Crows)

Step through my front door like a ghost
Into the room where no one notices
The smashing of globe from height

And in the light of Za'Ha'Dum
Vorlons get some fightin' room
There's a greater darkness than the one we fight

I fall through the air between the pain
To Shadowland and back again
Who? I don't know

Anna screams; she's dying
Through the door I hear her frying
What? I don't know

Down here no one cleans their plate
Down here bombs irradiate

Anna came from Za'Ha'Dum with a teacup in her hand
She said I'd like to meet the Shadows, they're so harmless
She walks into my office, she's so artless, she's so fine
She says Delenn's not only ugly, but she's charmless

She flies her shuttle to my station
Hides her neck scars
Says she's close to understanding Zathras
She knows she's more than just a little reprogrammed
She has trouble killing Vorlons when she's sqeamish

Down here they're carving out our graves
Down here they keep lots of slaves
Down here they talk just like Vogons
But they sacrifice like Narns
Down here she's eating crispy flarn

Vorlon children got to come off the Rim
Out of the Za'Ha'Dum
Vorlon Mama better call us all back in
Out of the Za'Ha'

She says, "There's implants in my head."
She says, "Shhh....I know there's implants in my head."

But the girl in the Shadow dance
says: "Man, you should try to take a chance
Can't you see my friends will kill your friends?"

Then I look out at the buildings
Kosh says, Be thinking of jumping
Kosh says they're on my six
I must be nuts or something

Down here she's always on my mind
Down here they've got different time
Down here they don't go to bed early
And nobody eats their spoo
Down here the roaches grew and grew and grew and grew and grew

Lorien catch me when I'm falling
Lorien catch me when I'm falling
Lorien catch me when I'm falling
Down this hole
I bombed all the Shadows
Down here

From "Za'Ha'Dunk"

(From "Father of Mine" by Everclear)

Vorlon of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know you just opened fire
My whole world disappeared
Vorlon of mine
Take me back to the day
When I was still your Vorlon boy
Back before you went away

I remember black skies
Walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
You would take me to Down Below
Learn the things I had to teach
You would take me to a place inside
That is so hard to reach

Vorlon of mine
Tell me where did you go
You had the worlds inside your hand
But you did not seem to know
Vorlon of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your ancient life
And you don't see me

I had 20 years to live
Doing all that I could
It wasn't easy for me
Like a scared Centauri boy
In a Drach neighborhood
Sometimes you would send me an Inquisitor
Or a Thirdspace machine
I never understood you then
But I thought that you were keen

Kosh asked me my name
Kosh he asked me my name
Then he walked away
Kosh asked me my name
Then he walked away
My Kosh he asked me my name

Vorlon of mine
Tell me where have you been
You just opened fire
And the world disappeared
Vorlon of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And you sacrificed like sheep

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be weird inside
I will always be lame
Now I'm a President
With a child of my own
And I swear I'm not going to let him know
All the pain I have known

Then he walked away
Kosh asked me my name
Kosh he asked me my name
Then he walked away
Kosh asked me my name
Then he walked away
My Kosh he asked me my name
Then he walked away
Then he walked away
Then he walked away

From "Into the Pyre"

(From "Lullabye" by Shaun Mullins)

She grew up with
the children of the stars
in the PsyCorps creche on Mars
the Corps was mother and father
everything was dark
they hung out with folks like
Talia Winters, Mr. Morden and President Clark

now, she feels unsafe
without the Vorlon paying rent
I'd like to hire her on
But Edgars tells me to get bent
and just before
she hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby, I sing

But everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
Babylon

She used to live with her Vorlon
where the methane's gritty
down that tube about a half a mile
Al Bester tells her
she's so pretty
but she'd be a whole lot prettier
if she'd collaborate once in a while
`cause even her smile
looks like a frown
she's seen her share of Shadows
in this Vorlon town

But everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
Babylon

I told her I ain't so sure
about this place
it's hard to play a gig in this town
and keep from being spaced
seems like everyone here's not a Narn
it's kind of like Mos Eisley, with flarn

But everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
Babylon

Everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, babble on
everything's gonna be all right
Babylon, Babylon, babble on, on, on, on, on

from "Morons in Transition"

(to the tune of "Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)", by the Offspring)

Korps ist Mater
Korps ist Pater

Scan that to me, PsyCop (Uh-huh, uh-huh)
Scan that to me, PsyCop (Uh-huh)
Scan that to me, PsyCop (Uh-huh, uh-huh)
Scan that to me, PsyCop (Uh-huh)

You know it's kind of hard
Just to be a teep today
Our subject isn't psi
But he fakes it anyway
He may not have the gene
And he may not have hair
But for everything he lacks
He's got arrogance to spare

So don't debate, a big P8
You know his mamma's not the PsyCorps anyway
He's gonna scan your brain, and bring you ‘pain'
No spoo for you, no spoo for you today
So if you can't send, just go ‘round the bend
At least you'll know you can always go on ISN
The Corps needs psi-copaths
So do that Byron sing

Scan that to me, PsyCop (Uh-huh, uh-huh)
Scan that to me, PsyCop (Uh-huh)

He needs some cool gloves
To make his costume worth a darn
But they didn't have black kid
So he bought some from a Narn
Now lurking on the station, he sees psigoths dressed plain
But if he looks twice
They're gonna fry his Mundie brain

So don't debate, a big P8
You know his mamma's not the PsyCorps anyway
He's gonna scan your brain, and bring you ‘pain'
No spoo for you, no spoo for you today
So if you can't send, just go ‘round the bend
At least you'll know you can always go on ISN
The Corps needs psi-copaths
So do that Byron sing

Now he's getting reassigned
He's got a new hive
He asked for ‘B13', but they gave him ‘B5'
Bester says he's trying too hard
And he's not quite hip
But in his own mind
He's the dopest blip
All the lurkers say he's pretty psi-
(For a mundane)

So don't debate, a big P8
You know his mamma's not the PsyCorps anyway
He's gonna scan your brain, and bring you ‘pain'
No spoo for you, no spoo for you today
So if you can't send, just go ‘round the bend
At least you'll know you can always go on ISN
The Corps needs psi-copaths
So do that Byron sing

The Corps needs psi-copaths
The Corps loves psi-copaths
So let's get some more psi-copaths
And do that Byron sing

from "the Most Paranoid of Animals"

(to the tune of "Layla", by Derek and the Dominoes)

Kosh: How do you feel when you scan Vorlons
When "Kosh" is standing in your mind?
Ulkesh's mean
But you're P-17
Did those black contacts leave you blind?

Lyta
The Vorlons made you bleed, Lyta
You served a certain need, Lyta
Lyta won't you heed
your master's call?

Byron: It surely saves on conversation
Our blessed ability to scan
Please don't say
We'll never find a way
To topple Bester's evil plan.

Lyta
The teeps want you to lead, Lyta
To promulgate our creed, Lyta
Darlin' have you freed
Your fellow teeps?

G'kar: Give me some genetic material
So I can breed some teeps for Narn
I'll send ships
And cash for all your blips
If you'll just be my crunchy flarn.

Lyta
the Narns want you to breed, Lyta
To propogate our seed, Lyta
Darlin' won't you read
My dirty mind?

From "The Darkness is for Ascending and Descending Only"

(to the tune of "Seasons in the Sun"

Goodbye Garabaldi, it's hard to smile
We keep our friends for such a little while
Now that the bombs are in the air
Unburied people everywhere
Drink Bravari and you'll have hair

We had joy, we had fun
We had Shadows on the run
But the wine, women and song
Like the Shadows have all gone

Goodbye G'Kar it's hard to rule
The Drach will keep me bitter, dark and cruel
You showed me how to make my stand
I took your planet out of hand
Pray you never understand

I had spoo, I had flarn
We used mass drivers on Narn
But the Drach came along
Now my choices have all gone

Goodbye Delenn, please pray for me
You were the best of all the Minbari
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Shame we cannot get along
Think of me and I'll be strong

We had joy, we had fun
Without Keepers in the sun
But the Drach came along
We'll have Keepers before long

No more joy, no more fun
With our Keepers in the sun
Since the Drach came along
To our Keepers we'll belong.

From "Fall Back of Centauri Prime Time"

(to the tune of "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen", by Baz Luhrmann)

Ladies and gentlemen of the TNT boards:

Hate Lockley.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Lockley would be it. The long-term detriment of Lockley has been proved by Andy Lane, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of Seasons 1 through 4. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of Seasons 1 through 4 until Lockley appears. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at your old tapes and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous those shows really were. ‘Infection' is not as bad as you imagine.

Don't kevtch about ‘Crusade'. Or kevtch, but know that kevtching is as effective as trying to banish Vorlons by yelling at them. If you must complain, wait until an episode with Lockley in it airs. Then your opinions will carry more weight.

Do one thing every day that Morden would do.

Sing. Do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself about.

Don't be reckless with other people's homeworlds. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Exfoliate yourself at night with gel.

Don't waste your time on Dabo. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, the house gets all your latinum. Wait, that's the wrong show.

Remember the bagna cauda you are served. Forget the spoo. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Save your old Purple Files. Delete your old mindwipes.

Stop it. Stop it now, not for 1000 years, or 10,000 but forever.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want. The most interesting Shadows I know didn't know at 2200 what they wanted. Some of the most interesting Vorlons I know still don't.

Get plenty of Quantium-40. Be kind to your aide. You'll miss him tries to become a Ranger in a pointless effort to impress you.

Maybe the Sci-Fi Channel will pick up ‘Crusade', maybe it won't. Maybe JMS will greenlight a movie that explains everything, maybe he won't. Maybe there will be an open thread. Whatever happens, don't congratulate TNT too much, or berate them either. Wrestling is cheaper to produce, and it sells more advertisments.

Enjoy your Starfury. Use it every day you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the coolest spaceship you'll ever own.

Dance, even if your shoes are too tight.

Fasten, then zip.

Do not watch the Byron episodes. They will only make you feel bald.

Get to know the First Ones. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to the Minbari. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that alien races come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Especially if you need their tech to build cool spaceships.

Live on Centauri Prime once, but leave before it makes you hairy. Live on Minbar once, but leave before it makes you bald.

Travel. Take a teep with you. That way if you get lost, she can pluck directions out of other people's heads and you won't have to ask.

Accept certain inalienable truths: security chiefs will drink. Drach will infiltrate. You, too, will sleep in light. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were awake, security chiefs were sober, Drach were powerless and scattered, and Vorlons respected their experiments.

Respect your experiments.

Don't expect the Drazi to follow you. Maybe you'll have a Declaration of Principles. Maybe you'll have a Keeper. But you never know when either one might force you to look on helplessly while your allies bomb the hell out of you.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look like Londo's.

Be careful whose science fiction franchise you buy, but be patient with those who supply action figures. SF is a form of prediction. Producing it is a way of fishing the archetypes from the collective unconscious, wiping them off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling them for more than they're worth.

But trust me on Lockley.

From "River of Spoo"