Just some jokes I've found surfing the web, enjoy :)(there's more to come)
ALLIGATOR SHOES
____________________________________
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with
the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator
so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest.
Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day,
the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman
standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,
he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it On to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde
flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A RESPONSE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS
____________________________________
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .Revelation 3:20 reads:
---------------------
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear
my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and
will dine with him, and he will with me." Genesis 3:10 reads:
------------------
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden,
and I was afraid, because I was naked."
CATS, DOGS & HUMANS
____________________________________
1. What is a cat?
_________________
Cats do what they want.They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
-----------
2. What is a dog?
__________________
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats
LIFE'S PHILOSOPHIES
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
* If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
* No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
* Cocaine is g-ds way of telling you that you make too much money.
* If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool
who said "Quit while you're ahead?
* If you don't die from it--it is healthy.
* If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
* One good turn gets most of the blankets.
* It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
* There is three kinds of people--those who can count and those who
can't.
* It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents,it is how he
found out.
* My homework is like a juicy steak--rarely done.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* If at first you don't succeed--give up! No use being a damn fool.
* Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply
awful.
* No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.
* You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
* Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
________________________________________________________
-There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
-I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
-A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks.
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
-Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
-Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
-Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell
collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe
you've seen it?
-A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his
work.
-A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
-Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things:
(1) Women and
(2) Fractions.
-The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. [Ain't it the truth!]
-If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
-The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it.
If you can't ignore it, top it.
If you can't top it, laugh at it.
If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
-He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
-The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
________________________________________________________
More points to ponder.....
- What is the speed of dark?
- When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- What's another word for synonym?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes
don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to
have a Chapter 11?
- How can there be self-help groups?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Where are Preparations A through G?
- Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?< br>
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw
the top one away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?
- Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot..
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
- What a nice night for an evening.
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of
August? Cool!"
- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
are furious.
- I live on a one-way dead-end street.
- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks-I'm not going that far."
- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
complained.
- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE...
1. Put your waste basket on your desk and label it 'IN'.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in thebathroom.'
4. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts,etc., in
the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothingthere, lean, back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
5. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
6. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
7. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
8. Insist that your e-mail address be xenawarriorprincess@companyname.com
9. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
10. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
11. Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
12. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
13. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
14. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
15. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
16. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
17. Practice making fax and modem noises.
18. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
19. Dont use any punctuation
20. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
21. Ask people what sex they are.
22. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
23. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
24. Honk and wave at strangers.
25. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
26. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
27. type only in lowercase.
28. Go around saying "What? Never mind. It's gone now."
29. Sing along at the opera.
30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
31. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Hello, Welcome To The "Psychiatric Hotline"
________________________________________________________
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-Dependent,please ask someone to press 2.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are Schizophrenic,listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number topress.
If you are Manic-Depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
KIDS, DATING & MARRIAGE (Part I)
___________________________________
1. How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
--------------------------------------------------------
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
- Kirsten, age 10
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
- Allan, age 10
2. What is the proper age to Get Married?
-------------------------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
- Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"
- Freddie, age 6
3. What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
-------------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want any more kids."
- Lori, age 8
4. What Do Most People Do on a Date?
-------------------------------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something to
say if you listen long enough."
- Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go or a second date."
- Martin, age 10
5. What would you do on your first date if it was going poorly?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
-Craig, age 9
6. When is It OK to Kiss Someone?
-------------------------------------------------------
"When they're rich!"
- Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
- Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
- Howard, age 8
Kids, Dating & Marriage (Part II)
____________________________________
1. The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
- Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
- Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change any diapers... Of course, if I do get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
- Kirsten, age 10
2. How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
---------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
- Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids."
- Derrick, age 8
3. What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness
and illness and diseases together."
- Marlon, age 10
4. How to Make a Marriage Work?
--------------------------------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
- Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a fewdiamonds on it."
- Lori, age 8
5. Getting Married for a Second Time
--------------------------------------------------------
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one."
- Angie L., age 10
6. How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
- Kelvin, age 8
More Jokes