Death's Happy Adventure!
One day, there was a happy little man. He lived in the suburbs in a house that had a garden. He had two kids and a wife. He had a nice car which he drove to work in every day. His brother-in-law had sold him the car, and gotten him a very good deal on it. The happy little man had many good reasons to be happy, and happy he was.
His name was Death. He had a bit of a problem. Whenever he went out! The People always shout! There goes JOHN JACOB JINGLEHYMER SCHMITT!! DA DA DA DA DA DA DA! And, the fact was, he really wasn’t John Jacob Jinglehymer Schmitt. That was the freak who lived next door! But he never left the house, so that was really confusing to everyone!
That was not Death’s only problem, though. If he did anything out of his regular schedule, lots of people died! It was freaky, like a bad check on a Saturday, when the bank isn’t even open, and nobody is even there to tell the people that you gave the check to that it was in fact a bad check and not a perfectly good check that you can check right off of your little list and pay for groceries with.
Then it was Monday, and it was Columbus Day, so Death had the day off! Happy time. He decided to go to the store and buy groceries. His wife usually did that, but that morning Death had slept late, and because there was nobody to wake her up, his wife had drown in a pool of her drool from the night before. Whoopsie! And, she usually made the kids breakfast, and sense she was dead, and nobody had ever taught the kids how to make breakfast all on their own with no outside help.... they starved.
So, Death had a nice hot cup of coffee, and was off to the supermarket! He drove in his car. The supermarket was on a different road than his office was on. He didn’t count on the daily stick ball game that took place every single day on the road to the supermarket, so he was not exactly prepared to stop when he came to the kids in the road. They were kids, and they were all in the middle of the road! I mean, come on! Who would be ready for that, really?? They were run over. Then all of a sudden, the brakes in the car went! The natural thing to to was to swerve all around the road, so that’s what Death did! He accidentally swerved into the Columbus Day parade that was taking place just down the street! Then, he crashed into a restaurant, and the car exploded! Then, from pure shock alone, the restaurant exploded! Death got out of the car and left the restaurant. He didn’t get hurt. Being the living apocalypse has a way of doing that to you.
Luckily, the supermarket was just a block away, then! Yay! Death was REALLY hungry, so instead of just walking to the supermarket, he decided to run. Running is a good way to get to food quicker! Unless, of course, an old lady who’s getting her mail shambles out in front of you, and you knock her life-sustaining medicine down the man-hole that just happens to be open right next to the mailbox, and she stumbles and falls and breaks both of her legs and can’t walk to the house to call the doctor! Sadly, this is just what happened.
Death was freaking shocked!!! He decided to forget the groceries, and help this really really old old lady! He hopped in her car, and threw her into the passenger seat! He whipped out of the driveway - directly into the slowly recovering parade! All of the best hospitals in the area were an incredible distance away, so, Death only had two choices: Drive very fast to get there soon enough, or settle for a smaller, not-so-advanced hospital. Of course he couldn’t risk taking her to a crap hospital, so he floored it!
The Big Town Hospital was just in sight! Death could see it! It was right across the railroad tracks that he still needed to drive across to get there! So he started to drive across them! THE CAR STALLED!!! Then there was this train, and the engineer was just like, “Get out of the way, you suckers!” And Death was just like, “What do you mean by that you little jerk!?” So, the engineer started hauling ass towards them in the train! The car was hit!
But! What the engineer didn’t count on was that granny was also a mine worker, and had a whole load of blasting dynamite in the trunk of her car that she was going to deliver later that day! The whole train (which had millions upon millions of people in it!) was blown strait into the air! There was a slight breeze that day, so then it was blown across the street into the hospital, which was very very old, and crumbled on contact.
Death got out of the second exploding car that he had been in for that day. The reality of his situation began to dawn on him. He was a true menace. He should go and live in a cave in the woods, he decided.
Yet, as luck would have it, there was a supermarket right next to the hospital!!! So, instead of going to live in a cave in the woods, Death bought his groceries and went home.
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