All The White Circles (Part 10)

Disclaimers in Part 1

Part Ten: Riley

It's unreal how seeing her lifts my spirits and makes me feel like everything will work it's way out. She has that way about her. But tonight, when she stands at my door, looking solemn and quite frankly disappointed, I know this isn't going to be the hearts and roses talk. Yet, I decide to let her lead this. I can't reveal anything to her.

"Hello to you too, Buffy." I say and move aside to let her in. She steps into the room and stands there waiting as I close the door behind her. We face each other and I realize she's "really" looking at me. I look at myself and realize that I barely have any clothes on. I feel a flush rise to my face, when I realize my package is bulging slightly. "Uh... hold on... let me... uh..."

"It doesn't bother me." She says quickly. "We should get used it, don't you think?"

"What?"

"Well, we do plan on sleeping together eventually right?"

Her approach shocks me and I'm rendered completely speechless.

"Come on Riley. We're obviously attracted to each other. We've been beating around this bush for a while. And I thought, when we revealed ourselves that we were getting close. You know no real secrets. An open book relationship. I know you're honest and you'd never do anything to jeopardize what we could have."

I know immediately that she's on to something. That my classified mission explanation isn't enough now. I think of the vampire and his words, " And you're a liar... you're a liar..."

But I don't know what to do. I absolutely cannot disclose The Initiative to her. But I don't want to lose her. Not to the Initiative. And not to the vampire.

"What could we have Buffy? What is it you think? Because I'm not sure. There's a part of you that I can't get to. It's somewhere else and it doesn't have anything to do with being a Slayer. Because that I understand."

I can see her squirm slightly before she comes to me. She gets close. So close it makes me nuts. And I want to draw her in and kiss her until I can no longer breath. And then the oddest thing happens. As if she's read my mind, she says, "Then do it."

I let my breath out slowly. She's so damned beautiful. So damned strong and bold and bright. And I can't fight it anymore. I can't fight her and the it that's going on between us. I can't fight myself anymore. I reach out to her and touch the softness of her cheek. "Buffy," I choke out her name.

Her hand is on my arm, tracing a line up toward my shoulder. "Go ahead Riley. What are you afraid of?"

I'm afraid of going too far and then hurting her with the truth. I promised. I swore I wouldn't hurt her. I feel tears sting my eyes and I do my best to fight them. I need to be strong and not lose myself. But she just effects me in ways that no one else ever has.

"Riley,"

"I'm afraid of everything."

"Why?" She shakes her head. "I'm just a girl Riley."

"But you're not. And I'm not just a boy. And put us together and you get one complicated situation."

"So we just go our own ways and that's it?"

"I don't know Buffy. I can't do that either."

"Well then we have a predicament because I can't walk away, not now. I've invested a little bit too much female tonage in you and I'm not ready to throw it away. Unless of course you don't want me."

I swallow hard. I can feel the heat of her against my skin. "I want you more than anything I've wanted my whole life."

"Then you have to tell me."

"You don't understand."

"Show me."

I shake my head. "It isn't possible Buffy. Not without compromising you."

"You don't think I've never been compromised before? You can't imagine what I've seen."

"I think I can."

"No. Not unless you've fought them. Not unless you've watched them turned to dust after you've staked them or cut off their heads, or forced them out into the sunlight. You can't imagine unless you've stood at the portal of hell and decided that mankind is far more important than anything else."
I have nothing to say. Hell I may not have seen but staked vamps I have.

She eyes me then. "Did you do this thing to Spike?"

Spike... again. "The guy you were gonna marry?"

"It's a wacky kind of story that I will tell you one day but now isn't the time."

"Why does everyone keep talking about Spike then?" The words just slip from my mouth.

Without thought of repercussions, they just come out.

"Who keeps talking about Spike?"

"No one."

"Riley,"

"Who is Spike?"

"He's a vampire. Blond and sort of English sounding."

Hostile 17. "You were going to marry a vampire?"

She shakes her head. "Willow put a spell on us. Spike is one of my biggest problems. Until that is someone took all of the bite out of his bark. And now, I'm starting to think it's you and this classified thing you won't tell me about."

I say nothing and see her get agitated. But she continues. "Does your mission or whatever it is you call it have a vampire called Angel?"

I assume that it's him. The vamp that has the complete read on me and scares the hell out of me.

"I'll ask you one more question and if it's not what I want to hear, I'll go. But know that if I go, there is nothing left between us and I will stop whatever it is you're doing if it interferes with my job."

I nod slowly.

"Will you help me get him out?"

I knew it was coming and it breaks my heart that it has come to this choice. "If I help you, I will most likely be court martialed, dishonorably discharged, and lose any chance of a future that I have. Not to mention the danger is puts the program in. I can't."

I can see the tears in her eyes. "I see." She says in a small voice. She pushes away from me and pushes past me.

I watch her as she moves to the door. Her hand is on the knob when I say, "If you try to fight this, I will no longer be able to protect you."

She turns to me a dreadful sadness in her eyes. "I never asked you to." She then leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

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