RANDOM THOUGHTS

* Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
* I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* I am in shape. Round's a shape!
* I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
* Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
* Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
* You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
* The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
* Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
* A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
* Boycott Fur, Not Leather -- it's a lot easier to beat up on rich old ladies, than motorcycle gangs.
* On the keyboard of life, always hold a finger by the Escape key.
* When the pin is pulled, MR. Grenade is no longer our friend.
* Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
* You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
* The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.

It all depends on your perspective...
An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.
The male students wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The female students wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."