JOKES

2
When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion.
So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time.
So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.
So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless.
So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself". That same day, the man went to the shop and bought a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two began, they found themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to come and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...... When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, ofcourse, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, ....."Don't you have a vase?"
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Ethel and Marge were celebrating Ethel's 75th birthday, and Marge said "well, at least sex is still good at 75."
"Still good at 75?", asks Ethel, "I haven't gotten any on years. How do you do it?"
"Well", says Marge, "I wait till I hear William pull into the driveway, and then I go into the bedroom and take off all my clothes. I lay down on the bed and pull my ankles up over my head, and pull the covers up over my head so when he walks in, all he sees is pussy and ass. We just go at it like crazy."
Hearing this, Ethel gets all excited and tells Marge she's going to try it that very night. She gets home and waits until Earl is pulling into the driveway. She goes into the bedroom....takes off all her clothes, puts her ankles behind her head, and pulls the covers over her head.
Earl walks in and sees nothing but pussy and ass. His eyes get wide, and he says...."ohhhhh for Christ's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in! You're starting to look like an asshole!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are betwee 40 and 42 degrees N.latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the ballonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in befor we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened? "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 8547039?"
A man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I need two copies of that."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either."
"Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK, then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls on the floor laughing. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
One day, Pete complained to his friend Woody, "Man! My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor." Woody said, "Don't do that! "There's a computer at the corner drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only cost 10 bucks." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with his urine sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started to flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.
SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER.
AVOID HEAVY LABOR.
IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Pete began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer. Giggling like a giddy teenager, he poured in the sample and deposited 10 bucks. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:

YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD.
GET A WATER SOFTENER.

YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORMS.
BATHE HIM WITH ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE.
PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC.

YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS.
THEY AREN'T YOURS.
GET A LAWYER.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER!

There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes.
He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female, which the frog immediately does.
The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests are female as well, and thus it is so!
The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.
The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well.
The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.
The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says: - "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A Belgian came into a bar and ordered a beer. The waiter put a coaster and a beer on the table. Ten minutes later the Belgian ordered another beer. The waiter brought him the beer and saw that the coaster had disappeared. So he fetched another one.. Ten minutes later, another beer. And again the coaster was missing. This time the waiter decided he would not lay down another coaster.
"Hey" the Belgian said, "where's my cookie?"
A Duck walked into a general store and said to the owner, "Got any duck food?"
The owner politely said, "No, I'm sorry we don't carry duck food." The next day the duck walked into the store and asked again, "Got any duck food?"
The owner replied, "If you don't recall, I told you yesterday we don't have any duck food."
The duck walked out of the store. The next day he walked in and asked again. By this time the owner was very angry and shouted "If you come in here and ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor."
The next day the duck walked and said, "Got any nails?"
"Well, no" the store owner replied"
"Got any Duck food?"
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while he’d hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - Howard, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -Howard, you’re a veterinarian.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the 'driving under the influence laws'. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied: "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."
Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."
Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 166 a few miles ago."
A true story: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
Another true story: It's sometimes easy to forget how easily email technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

_____________________
Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband
PS. Sure is hot down here.

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddy. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddy. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
One day this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he wastold that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven rightaway. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel-centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"