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Disclaimer: characters portrayed in this story aren’t mine. I wish Blair and Jim were, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon... although, christmas is coming...

Author’s Note: IMPORTANT- I reaaaaaaaally don’t like Naomi. I blame her for all the crap that happened to our boys at the end of the last season. So if you are a Naomi fan, read no further. Also, implied m/m, although nothing at all detailed. I think I only used Jim’s name a total of two times… that should tell you how safe this story is.

Both Sides Now
By Meggplant

******************

Bows and flows of angel’s hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feathered canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way...

************** “When I was younger, I could’ve sworn to you I was going to be just like my mom. Y’know? I loved following her around, holding her hand when we walked into a new commune or retreat. Naomi would say, ‘This is my angel. My Blair and I are here to be cleansed.’ Or some other straight forward, silly introductory thing. I always took it for granted that we would always be together. She always told me I was her number one.

“I never really thought much about the women who used to come see us. Naomi and I would sit down with them and I would answer their questions.
“Yes I’m happy.”
“No, I don’t miss having a daddy.”
“No, no one has ever touched me in a way I didn’t like.”

“I can’t really remember the first time I realised that I wasn’t like Naomi at all. When I realised that Mom wasn’t going out to talk to her friends about peace and healthy living. That all this moving around from place to place was her trying to find someone to fill a void in her life. Someone that wasn’t me. Oh, I know she loved me. She still does. But there came a time when I realised she was only calling me her ‘angel’ in front of other people. That when we were by ourselves, I was always just Blair. I was the child of a child, a barely into her twenties little girl, kicked out of her parent’s home for doing drugs, and on the move ever since. I finally realised that she really cared more about herself, and her friends, than me. She wasn’t moving around, ‘finding a special place for us, Blair. You want Mommy to have lots of friends where we’re going to live, right? And of course, friends for you too. Plenty of friends for you too'. I was a plaything, a ‘little friend’ for her to show off. I started calling her Naomi after that. She said she liked it better than Mommy anyway.”

***************** But now it’s just another show
You leave ‘em laughing when you go
And if you care don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away...

****************** “I left that life as soon as I could. I worked my ass off to finally go to a place where I could just be myself. And I was myself. I could dress the way I wanted, have friends from all different walks of life. And best of all, I was in one place. No more moving around. ‘Detach with love, Blair.’ Only by that time she’d started calling me honey, and sweetie, like she did all her other male friends. I didn’t have to follow her anymore. I could go, leave, when I wanted to. And I did leave sometimes, off to places we hadn’t ever gotten to when I was younger. And I wasn’t much older then… I always came back though. I guess that was the real difference between us. I always came back when I’d finished seeing all there was to see.

“Naomi would come visit once and a while, usually right before she was about to go to a new place. She’d always ask me to come, as if wanting to draw me away from the first stable place I’d ever lived in. She insisted I was, ‘losing my focus, picking up too many of the bad urban vibes, living in this horrenduous city’. She didn’t understand that I was where I wanted to be...”

**************** Moons and joons and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at clouds that way...

**************** “And then I found out that the stable place I thought I’d found for good wans’t really what I was looking for. I found Jim. My Sentinel. By chance, or coincidence, or fate, I don’t know, but it happened. And from the day I met him, my life was changed forever. For the good, I know now. I wasn’t so sure then.

“The first time I went to the station with him, I don’t think even he knew how nervous I was. As a tried and true son of a hippy, I can tell you that we all were brought up with a healthy amount of suspicion for the establishment. But I don’t think, now, that I could have stayed away. And I definitely got the better side of the deal. I got a friend, and a soulmate. My life became richer for it. Sure there have been some ups and downs...”

********************* Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way...

******************* “I died. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. And I realised why. I’d lost faith in myself, and in my Sentinel. The bond we’d made had been fraying for a while, and it finally snapped. I just happened to be the one to pay the price. It could have been him, I have no doubt about that. I just happened to be the one the Higher Ups thought would get it more, I guess. I don’t know. It’s over now, and my Sentinel and I have a closer bond for it. Our ups have far outweighed our downs, and we’ve made it throught them relatively unscathed. Relatively.

"Naomi didn’t really mean to send my diss in, and she’s said she’s sorry about a thousand times. I have to admit, it was really hard to look her in the face the first time and tell her everything that had happened wasn’t her fault. I mean, she was definitely the catalyst, but there was a lot of tension between Jim and I then, and a lot of insecurities. Naomi just sort of brought everything to a head. My Sentinel and I finally figured a few things out, including what had been felt, but never uttered.”

********************** But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
But something’s lost, and something’s gained
In living everyday...

******************* "My decision to go to the academy after the whole diss fiasco sure threw a hell of a lot of people for a loop. Naomi had been there as a supporter to me purely because of guilt I think, but she’d never actually thought of the possibility of me accepting the offer made that day in the bullpen. She, ‘didn’t know me anymore’, she told me. She told me that I had lost who I was, and that I wasn’t cut out for the role of policeman. Detective. She wanted me to at the very least, go with her to ‘a place where you can be cleansed. Where you’ll be free to think clearly, without all this joining the police business clouding your inner aura’. She really didn’t get it.

“I realised right then, that I had become a grown up, I had taken responsibility for myself, and I wanted to be responsible for others as well. Naomi was still the little girl I first remember, wearing rose coloured glasses, and thinking that some sage could change the world. My life before had been preparing me for this, and I wanted to jump in, ride the rollercoaster all the way to the end. My mom just didn’t understand. She doesn’t understand. I’ve tried to see her point of view, but these are my choices to be making now, not hers. Even when I was little, I think I was making choices in preparation for this time in my life without knowing it. I have a home, a life, and the person I want to spend my life with. I love my mom. I love Naomi, but she doesn’t see. She can’t see my view for the clouds in the way...”

********************* I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s cloud’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all.

FIN

A little liberty taken with the order of this song, but this way seemed to fit the storyline waaay better. Credit for the song goes to the writer of it, though I have know idea who it is. I realised I couldn’t let others explain Blair’s choices in life without adding my thoughts to the whole enchilada. Hope you liked it! Email me at badguysrule@hotmail.com for comments and general criticisms. Yes, I will even answer flames. (but I hope I don’t have to!)
meg