The humor on this page is NOT meant to offend anyone or poke fun of any race, creed, nationality, sexual preference etc. What everhappened to the good 'ole days when a joke was just that, a joke.
There once was a lass from Saint Stephen
Who told the doc what she’d been feelin’
When she touched her nose
The curl of toes caused a pain that sent her reelin’
The doc looked bewildered and stroked his chin
So tell me now lass it’s your nose that hurts then
Not exactly now doc, she said feeling bolder
And screamed to high heavens as she then touched her shoulder
Your nose and your shoulder, I see no connection
No virus I’ve heard can cause such an infection
But watch this doc as she then touched her neck
And of those curses she screamed, not one was "Oh heck"
Touching her knees and her buttocks all caused the same pain
This happens on good days as well in the rain
Then his old eyes did brighten as the thought began to linger
Egads silly girl, you’ve broken your finger!!
The Blind And The Dog
John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.
John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I'd have kicked its ass!" The blind man calmly replied, "I'm going to. But I need to find its head first "
THE BOSS
When I take a long time,
I am slow
When my boss takes a long time,
He is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy
When my boss doesn't do it,
He is too busy
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart
When my boss does the same,
That is initiative
When I please my boss,
I am apple-polishing
When my boss pleases his boss
He's co-operating
When I do good,
My boss never remembers
When I do wrong,
He never forgets.
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put
his dog down on the examination table. The vent examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a
second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a
cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the fate of his dog, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes. The vet answer, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would have only charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
The following are stories told by travel agents about actual
experiences. (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less
than the rest of the world on geography tests.)
A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when
she interrupted me: "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look
stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." Her response: Click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave
me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally
had her fax the list. To my surprise it was a list of hotels in New
Orleans, Louisiana, which has the postal code LA. She thought the LA
stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.
Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I explained that's not possible, since Orlando is
in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked
on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the
map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When
I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33
AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I
told her the plane went very fast and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm
overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for
a minute, while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came
back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
double checked the requirements and, sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4
times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
"Juan The Smuggler"
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A country boy and his father, who came from a small town in Georgia,
were visiting a mall on their first trip to the city of Atlanta. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life -- I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the small
circles of light with numbers above the wall lit up. They continued to
watch and the circles of light started moving in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped
out.
The father kneeled and whispered to his son, "Go get your mother
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to
ignore someone completely.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be
blamed on somebody else.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either,
Just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so damn many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets
the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Women are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones
already there resent it.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who
messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two and then quit.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses
in it... that's everything!
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get
off, and when it isn't...you can't wait to throw up.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once...
Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
MISCELANEOUS MEANDERINGS...
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ATM?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
LYNX
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